Saturday, October 29, 2005

Trust...

Ivan and I were outside the other day enjoying the cooler weather here in NC. He was walking up and down the driveway and examining every leaf he could find. Then he was showing them to me as if they were gold. It was wonderful. After a while of staying on the concrete Ivan decided that it was time to venture out into the yard. He took one tentative step onto the uneven surface and then turned around to look at me. I put my hand out and he immediately grabbed it and took off. I would not let him fall on this new terrain and he knew it. It was at that moment that it hit me...Ivan trusts me completely.

What a wonderful and terrifying feeling for a (relatively) new Mom. This little guy trusts me to make everything safe for him. He doesn't ever doubt that Mom will always save the day and make everything all better.

I just wish that it were true. I wish that I would always be able to make everything safe for him. That's part of letting him grow up though. I will have to let him walk on the new terrain all by himself one day. I know that day will come way too fast for me and never quite fast enough for Ivan.

Damn, I love this kid so much!

Saturday, October 22, 2005

The Tale...

I told Ivan his adoption story for the first time the other night. I was giving him his "night night" bottle and we were sitting in his room in the antique rocker my parents surprised me with when we got home. I was just staring into his eyes when it just started to pour out.

The story went something like this...

Mommy and Daddy wanted a child very much so we asked God for a child. God said that He had special plans for our family and that we had to be patient and wait for His perfect timing. In time, God told us about a wonderful little boy in Ust-Kamenogorsk, Kazakhstan...you! We told God that we wanted to be the little boy's Mommy and Daddy and that we would love him forever and ever. We wanted to leave right away to meet you but God said that we needed to continue to be patient and wait on His perfect timing. Several months passed and we kept asking God when will it be time for us to meet our son? God told us to continue to wait on His perfect timing.

Then one day in June 2005 God told Mommy and Daddy that it was time to go and meet their little boy. So we booked airplane tickets as fast as we could. We boarded the airplane and we flew, and we flew, and we flew all the way to Kazakhstan. We met you on July 3, 2005 and we were so happy to finally meet you face to face. Mommy and Daddy went to the judge and told him that we wanted to make you our son forever and ever and that we loved you very much. The judge said that we could be your Mommy and Daddy forever and ever. Then all three of us flew, and we flew, and we flew all the way home. Were we lived happily ever after.

The coolest part was the fact that Ivan maintained eye contact with me almost throughout the entire story. It was obvious that he was really listening to what I was telling him. I told Ivan the story again tonight as I fed him his bottle. This time he seemed to be listening even more intently than the other night.

This is just one of the steps that J and I are taking to try and ensure that Ivan never has an "I'm adopted?" moment. We want him to know how proud we are of the fact that he is adopted without calling too much attention to it at the same time. This is one of those things that we will do over the years but will have no idea if we handled it appropriately until he is much older. I hope that we are on the right track.

Saturday, October 08, 2005

Stronger and Deeper...

While we were in the process of adopting Ivan (before we traveled and while we were in Kazakhstan) I felt very attached to the little boy that would eventually become my son. I had a very deep and emotional tie to him before I even laid eyes on him in July. The first time I held him, I knew that I would love him forever. The whole time that we were visiting Ivan in the orphanage, my love and adoration for him continued to deepen. The bond I felt for him strengthened with every visit.

When we reached Almaty for the final phase of our adoption trip, I was feeling responsible for this little person and his physical well being. I loved it. I believe that those 10 days were suspended in time for all three of us. J and I were learning how to become parents, and Ivan was learning how to be the member of a family, not a group. When we got off of the plane here at home and were greeted by our loving families, I thought that my love for Ivan could run no deeper and that while time would strengthen the feelings I already had, they would not change.

Now that we have been home for over two months, I can see how shallow my feelings were and how naive I was to think that my feelings were done evolving for Ivan. I see now that the feelings I had before and during travel were more like the "honeymoon" phase in a romantic relationship. Everything is wonderful, the annoyances are minimal and easily forgotten. Then reality sets in and your patience evaporates for those minor annoyances and sometimes they become hurdles that you and your mate are unable or unwilling to overcome.

When we arrived home and the "Honeymoon" was over, I was a little shocked at some of my feelings. I thought that I was totally in love with this child, and suddenly he was driving me crazy! I was so confused by my feelings and even more disappointed in myself for not being happy with him all the time.

I fell into the trap that many people do who have longed and waited for a child for so long. I felt guilty if every moment wasn't pure bliss. I could tell that I loved Ivan, but something felt strange inside. This wasn't the idyllic situation that I had envisioned. Suddenly, I found that I needed to revamp my vision of parenthood and Stay at Home Motherhood in particular.

I think now, with some time under my belt and a little more confidence in myself as a Mom, I have a more realistic view of motherhood. I'm feeling much better and I am not quite so hard on myself when we have a rough day. He's 18 months old...rough days are a part of the territory.

Each night when I go into his room to pull his blanket back over him before J and I go to bed for the night, I stare at him for a few moments. During those moments I realize how much my love has deepened throughout that day.

I no longer feel like a caregiver, nor do I feel that is how Ivan views me. I am the Mom and he is the son, and we love each other more than words could ever express.