I have needed to journal in the past few weeks, just to get my head around things. Unfortunately, my 22 month old has other plans for my time.
So, ok maybe there is time for cocktails, just not anything else!
Friday, January 20, 2006
Sunday, January 01, 2006
Reflection & Understanding
Dear God,
Wow, what a difference a year makes, huh? Last year at this time I was so lost, so confused about your plan for my life. Now however, I understand (at least a portion of) your plan for J and me. As I look back on the past 12 months, I clearly see why things happened the way they did.
Last New Year's Day J and I were hopeful that you would bless us with a child at some point during 2005, but we were still a little miffed that you had yet to reveal who that child would be. We had expected to know who he/she was before Christmas time 2004, but you had other plans. I shook my fist at you more than once during those days when I was not sure what it was you were waiting on. You had shown us that you wanted us to pursue adoption, so why the wait. Hadn't we waited enough already?
Then on January 6 the phone rang. It was our SW, P. She had a referral for us to review, only he was not in Russia, but Kazakhstan. "What?" we said. "No, no. We are totally committed to Russia, thanks but we don't want to review the information." That was a difficult day for us. That was the first time that P had called us about a referral and it was not what we had expected. I walked around my office building asking you why you had sent us that referral. What were you trying to tell us? Was this our child? Were we just turning our noses up because he was not from the country that we wanted to adopt from? I was fairly certain that this was not the child you had created for us to love and parent, but I was so unsure of what you were trying to tell me. Well, after a few days you began to work on my heart. Lord, you got me to start to pray about being open to another country and whatever that may entail.
Then on February 15, the phone rang again. This time P was calling to tell us about a little boy in Russia. The only thing was that he was 20 months old...way out of our age range. We still wanted an infant. J and I talked and prayed and cried. I know that you remember that day...all of those tears and anger and frustration and wanting to know if this was the one that you had set aside for us. Ultimately, you made it clear to both J and me that this was not the one for us and we called P the next day to let her know that we did not want her to send us any information on this little guy. However, you really opened our hearts about our age range that night. J and I talked very frankly about what our "outer limit" would be as far as age. We decided that we wanted our little one home by 18 months of age. So in that one night we moved past having to have an infant. Praise to you for that, because it made the next day so much easier.
One final, glorious time the phone rang. It was February 17, a Thursday. P was on the line again. She had another referral for us to consider, again from Kazakhstan. However, you had opened our hearts to changing countries, and increasing our age range. J and I knew the moment that P started talking that this was the child you wanted us to have and so we joyfully took that leap of faith and said YES to our son.
I was so happy at that time, so glad to know who he was and were he was. I still worried endlessly about how he was doing, but I knew that you were in charge and were taking care of him for me. Then came delay after delay. We thought that we would travel in April, then May and finally we learned that we were to leave June 30.
Once we left for Kazakhstan you, oh mighty Lord, took over completely. You left nothing to chance, placed a smooth path in front of us and lead the whole way home. You even gave us the gift of a sleeping child for the 20 plus hour trip home. You made it all so easy.
You also planned J's new job and the timing of it all so perfectly. You saw to it that J's new manager was willing to wait until we returned from Kazakhstan for him to move into that role. J was so relieved to leave his old role when we left for Kaz and know that upon his return, he would start fresh on a new account.
There are no words to tell you how grateful I am for your perfect timing, and for the gift that is our son. You knew all along what would happen, where we should go and when we should get there. I, however, questioned your plan at every turn. Yet, you were so patient and gentle with me. Always reminding me that you were in control and to let it happen on your time table, not mine.
I've tried to tell those around us that this family was all in your divine plan and that you made it happen. I'm sure that there are those out there that refuse to see your hand in their lives. I refuse to be one of those Lord. Your perfect plan is so evident, upon reflection.
I think I finally understand.
Wow, what a difference a year makes, huh? Last year at this time I was so lost, so confused about your plan for my life. Now however, I understand (at least a portion of) your plan for J and me. As I look back on the past 12 months, I clearly see why things happened the way they did.
Last New Year's Day J and I were hopeful that you would bless us with a child at some point during 2005, but we were still a little miffed that you had yet to reveal who that child would be. We had expected to know who he/she was before Christmas time 2004, but you had other plans. I shook my fist at you more than once during those days when I was not sure what it was you were waiting on. You had shown us that you wanted us to pursue adoption, so why the wait. Hadn't we waited enough already?
Then on January 6 the phone rang. It was our SW, P. She had a referral for us to review, only he was not in Russia, but Kazakhstan. "What?" we said. "No, no. We are totally committed to Russia, thanks but we don't want to review the information." That was a difficult day for us. That was the first time that P had called us about a referral and it was not what we had expected. I walked around my office building asking you why you had sent us that referral. What were you trying to tell us? Was this our child? Were we just turning our noses up because he was not from the country that we wanted to adopt from? I was fairly certain that this was not the child you had created for us to love and parent, but I was so unsure of what you were trying to tell me. Well, after a few days you began to work on my heart. Lord, you got me to start to pray about being open to another country and whatever that may entail.
Then on February 15, the phone rang again. This time P was calling to tell us about a little boy in Russia. The only thing was that he was 20 months old...way out of our age range. We still wanted an infant. J and I talked and prayed and cried. I know that you remember that day...all of those tears and anger and frustration and wanting to know if this was the one that you had set aside for us. Ultimately, you made it clear to both J and me that this was not the one for us and we called P the next day to let her know that we did not want her to send us any information on this little guy. However, you really opened our hearts about our age range that night. J and I talked very frankly about what our "outer limit" would be as far as age. We decided that we wanted our little one home by 18 months of age. So in that one night we moved past having to have an infant. Praise to you for that, because it made the next day so much easier.
One final, glorious time the phone rang. It was February 17, a Thursday. P was on the line again. She had another referral for us to consider, again from Kazakhstan. However, you had opened our hearts to changing countries, and increasing our age range. J and I knew the moment that P started talking that this was the child you wanted us to have and so we joyfully took that leap of faith and said YES to our son.
I was so happy at that time, so glad to know who he was and were he was. I still worried endlessly about how he was doing, but I knew that you were in charge and were taking care of him for me. Then came delay after delay. We thought that we would travel in April, then May and finally we learned that we were to leave June 30.
Once we left for Kazakhstan you, oh mighty Lord, took over completely. You left nothing to chance, placed a smooth path in front of us and lead the whole way home. You even gave us the gift of a sleeping child for the 20 plus hour trip home. You made it all so easy.
You also planned J's new job and the timing of it all so perfectly. You saw to it that J's new manager was willing to wait until we returned from Kazakhstan for him to move into that role. J was so relieved to leave his old role when we left for Kaz and know that upon his return, he would start fresh on a new account.
There are no words to tell you how grateful I am for your perfect timing, and for the gift that is our son. You knew all along what would happen, where we should go and when we should get there. I, however, questioned your plan at every turn. Yet, you were so patient and gentle with me. Always reminding me that you were in control and to let it happen on your time table, not mine.
I've tried to tell those around us that this family was all in your divine plan and that you made it happen. I'm sure that there are those out there that refuse to see your hand in their lives. I refuse to be one of those Lord. Your perfect plan is so evident, upon reflection.
I think I finally understand.
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