A week or so before Mother’s Day Ivan started to say “mama”. He did not use it a lot, mostly only when J would push him to do it while looking right at me. However, that has all changed within the past week. All of a sudden Ivan is calling me mama all the time. If he wants to know where I am he says it loud enough for me to hear him from anywhere in the house so that I can identify where I am at that particular moment. He sees me enter or exit a room and he says it. He wants my attention at the dinner table, in the tub, anywhere…he says it. I love it! Not only has he started to say mama he has really started to say dada too! J loves it and just about melts every time that Ivan yells out dada.
Of course with this wonderful new trick comes a down side as well. J always takes Ivan to the nursery for church because Ivan gets way too upset when I take him and it just breaks my heart to see him get that upset. I can’t concentrate on the service when I am upset so J has been kind enough to take him every Sunday. This Sunday I was just getting ready to sit down in the pew when Ivan looked back and saw that I was not right behind him and J. He yelled out a gut-wrenching MAMA right as the doors closed. I could hear him saying “mama, mama, mama” all the way through the hall. Oh boy did that hurt. I knew that he would be fine. He loves the nursery once he gets there and the ladies dote on him like he’s their own. But boy, was that tough to hear.
We met Ivan one year ago today. These two words are music to my ears and to my heart as well. It’s been the greatest year of my life and I can’t wait to see what’s in store for the next twelve months.
Monday, July 03, 2006
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
Choices...
Ivan and I had a play date yesterday. We both had a great time and I know that I need to schedule more play dates because we both get a lot out of them. The problem is that most of my friends fit into two categories: no children or working Mom's. I am a full time stay at home Mom. It was never really a decision for J and me it was what we both wanted for our family. Even though I know that this is what is best for my family I understand that this arrangement is not right for every family. I feel very passionately about Mom's staying home with their children, but I understand that this will not work for everyone and I really keep my mouth shut in regards to other's choices. It is always a hot button issue no matter which side you are on and since it really is none of my business, I stay out of it. Why don't my working Mom friends pay me the same respect?
My friend and I were strolling the kids through the neighborhood talking about this that and the other. Eventually we got onto the topic of J and me moving closer to his office. He currently has a 45 mile (one-way) commute and I am traveling at least 30 minutes almost every time I get into the car to get to our shopping, play dates, Bible Study class, etc. So, needless to say we are feeling the desire to move a little closer to the rest of our lives.
With me staying home money is tight. We have a strict budget and we are trying to stick to it as best we can, but there is little wiggle room at this point. My friend does not have the same money concerns that J and I have, in part because she returned to work on a part-time basis when her son was nine months old. Her choice and now they have the money to do some extra things that J and I can't at the moment. Anyway, she was showing me some of the houses in her neighborhood that are for sale. When I said that they were out of our range at the moment she started talking about how I should get a part-time job so that we could afford more house etc. I tried to listen and remain polite, but I was a little frustrated at her insistence. To her credit she was talking about me perhaps looking after some kids in my home eliminating the need for Ivan to attend day-care. However, I feel that if I am caring for other children in my home then I will not be able to be there for Ivan 100% - which is what I feel I am supposed to do as his mother.
Yesterday was not the first time that one of my working Mom friend's has tried to persuade me about the benefits of me working (extra money, Ivan seeing other kids daily and gaining independence from me etc, etc). Their hearts are in the right place, but I wish that they would keep their opinions to themselves.
Staying home or working outside of the home once you have kids is a huge decision and one that almost every Mom and Dad wrestle with at one time or another. It is, in my opinion, one of the most personal decision a couple can make.
J and I have made our decision, and we are thrilled with our choice!
My friend and I were strolling the kids through the neighborhood talking about this that and the other. Eventually we got onto the topic of J and me moving closer to his office. He currently has a 45 mile (one-way) commute and I am traveling at least 30 minutes almost every time I get into the car to get to our shopping, play dates, Bible Study class, etc. So, needless to say we are feeling the desire to move a little closer to the rest of our lives.
With me staying home money is tight. We have a strict budget and we are trying to stick to it as best we can, but there is little wiggle room at this point. My friend does not have the same money concerns that J and I have, in part because she returned to work on a part-time basis when her son was nine months old. Her choice and now they have the money to do some extra things that J and I can't at the moment. Anyway, she was showing me some of the houses in her neighborhood that are for sale. When I said that they were out of our range at the moment she started talking about how I should get a part-time job so that we could afford more house etc. I tried to listen and remain polite, but I was a little frustrated at her insistence. To her credit she was talking about me perhaps looking after some kids in my home eliminating the need for Ivan to attend day-care. However, I feel that if I am caring for other children in my home then I will not be able to be there for Ivan 100% - which is what I feel I am supposed to do as his mother.
Yesterday was not the first time that one of my working Mom friend's has tried to persuade me about the benefits of me working (extra money, Ivan seeing other kids daily and gaining independence from me etc, etc). Their hearts are in the right place, but I wish that they would keep their opinions to themselves.
Staying home or working outside of the home once you have kids is a huge decision and one that almost every Mom and Dad wrestle with at one time or another. It is, in my opinion, one of the most personal decision a couple can make.
J and I have made our decision, and we are thrilled with our choice!
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
Narrator...
Lately I feel like the narrator of Ivan's life. Since he still isn't really talking, I often try to interpret what his various and sundry doe's and dah's mean. Normally, I am right on target with what he is trying to tell me. He does use Baby Sign a lot and that has really helped with the communication gap, but I often feel compelled to say what he is signing at me just to reinforce the spoken language as well. All of this narration leaves me feeling like the omniscient narrator of a book about the life a toddler. At least I find his little life rather entertaining!
Thursday, June 15, 2006
Perfect...
I saw this on another blog last night and it is just so perfect I had to post it here.
I didn't give you the gift of life, But in my heart I know.
The love I feel is deep and real, As if it had been so.
For us to have each other Is like a dream come true!
No, I didn't give you The gift of life, Life gave me the gift of you.
--- Unknown
I didn't give you the gift of life, But in my heart I know.
The love I feel is deep and real, As if it had been so.
For us to have each other Is like a dream come true!
No, I didn't give you The gift of life, Life gave me the gift of you.
--- Unknown
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
Ivan's Latest Gig...
Within the past two weeks or so Ivan has started to sing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star all by himself. It is the cutest thing to hear. He sings the tune with the "doe" sound.
He has always sung to himself, but this is the first tune that he has sung that we know! While we were in Kazakhstan staying in Almaty he would sing right before he drifted off to sleep. I can still hear it. Wah Waaaah Wah, Wah Waaaah Wah.
For me the little things like this are what make me want to cry. Ivan is pure joy.
He has always sung to himself, but this is the first tune that he has sung that we know! While we were in Kazakhstan staying in Almaty he would sing right before he drifted off to sleep. I can still hear it. Wah Waaaah Wah, Wah Waaaah Wah.
For me the little things like this are what make me want to cry. Ivan is pure joy.
Friday, June 09, 2006
Sick...
Ivan has been sick almost all week. We are heading to the Dr's office in about 20 minutes to see if he has strep or not. I just want to make it all better and I can't. In fact whenever I have to give him medicine it makes him feel worse (at least in the short term). It's been a tough week.
Monday, June 05, 2006
Sigh...
I don't know where this feeling is coming from lately, but I am feeling SO nostalgic about our trip to Kazakhstan last summer. I miss the intimacy that our little family shared during that time. It isn't that we aren't close here, but there were no outside distractions while we were there and I am really missing that right now. Sometimes life just gets in the way.
Sigh...
Sigh...
Friday, May 19, 2006
God's Mother's Day Gift...More Clarity
I know that Mother's Day is a secular holiday, but this year God was with me in my pew.
Mother's Day was awesome. As I sat in church that morning God blessed me with some real clarity and answers about why things happened the way that they did over the past several years. While we were going through all of our IF treatments and then the changes with our adoption and finally with the wait to travel, I would often say (in conversation and in prayer) I know that all of this will make sense when I get to Heaven. However, the Lord is so good to me. He has revealed a lot of those answers to me already, less than one year since Ivan joined our family!
Thank you Lord for your generosity and love.
Mother's Day was awesome. As I sat in church that morning God blessed me with some real clarity and answers about why things happened the way that they did over the past several years. While we were going through all of our IF treatments and then the changes with our adoption and finally with the wait to travel, I would often say (in conversation and in prayer) I know that all of this will make sense when I get to Heaven. However, the Lord is so good to me. He has revealed a lot of those answers to me already, less than one year since Ivan joined our family!
Thank you Lord for your generosity and love.
Sunday, May 07, 2006
Post Placement Visit #2
Today J and I met with our SW from our agency for our second Post Placement visit. M came out to our house around 4 and stayed until after 6. I'm fairly certain that she normally only takes about an hour and a half to do these visits, but we get along SO well that we all just keep talking and talking!
It was a really great visit and she really enjoyed watching Ivan warm up. He was still napping when she arrived, so when he awoke he was very shy and stuck close to Daddy on the other side of the room. In time M coaxed Ivan out of his shy mood and got him to perform some of his favorite tricks for her (pointing at all of his body parts is one trick, sharing his toys with new folks is another).
M did offer some resources if we are interested in getting some early intervention help for Ivan's speech. He still isn't saying much other than Dah. An occasional MaMa, but only when he REALLY wants my attention. The Dr. has recomended that we wait and see how he progresses over the summer, but M could sense that J and I are ready to get on this sooner rather than later. Ivan uses some Baby Signs to help ease everyone's frusterations - but sometimes there just isn't a sign for what he wants to tell us.
All in all it was a great visit. I mean who doesn't love to talk about their kid, plus she is truly interested!
It was a really great visit and she really enjoyed watching Ivan warm up. He was still napping when she arrived, so when he awoke he was very shy and stuck close to Daddy on the other side of the room. In time M coaxed Ivan out of his shy mood and got him to perform some of his favorite tricks for her (pointing at all of his body parts is one trick, sharing his toys with new folks is another).
M did offer some resources if we are interested in getting some early intervention help for Ivan's speech. He still isn't saying much other than Dah. An occasional MaMa, but only when he REALLY wants my attention. The Dr. has recomended that we wait and see how he progresses over the summer, but M could sense that J and I are ready to get on this sooner rather than later. Ivan uses some Baby Signs to help ease everyone's frusterations - but sometimes there just isn't a sign for what he wants to tell us.
All in all it was a great visit. I mean who doesn't love to talk about their kid, plus she is truly interested!
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
The Sweetest Sound Ever...
When I woke up this morning I had no idea what an important day this would become for me. Here's what happened today...
I turned off my alarm one minute before it went off. Climbed out of bed, washed my face and stumbled down the hall to greet Sherman with a good morning belly rub, just like every other day. I slipped into the dining room and worked on today's Bible study lesson and then went into the living room for a few minutes of solitude with GMA before Ivan woke up. I expected that after a few minutes of silence I would hear the usual "DAHHHH!" coming from Ivan's room announcing that he was awake and ready to be seen. As I sat there starring at a muted Charlie Gibson I heard Ivan moving around in his crib and knew that the "DAHHHH!" was near. However, no "DAHHHH" ever came. Instead it was the word that I have been longing to hear ever since I can remember. All of a sudden the quiet of the house was broken with one loud "MAAAAMAAA!" I ran to his door with the most ridiculous grin on my face. I opened his door and said with a smile in my voice "You rang little man?"
My heart has been filled to the brim all day because of that moment. Somehow, it made everything so much more real for me. I AM Ivan's mama and he is MY son. I don't know what it is about that one word, but it just made me feel like a million bucks today.
Happy Mother's Day to ME! (a little early)
I turned off my alarm one minute before it went off. Climbed out of bed, washed my face and stumbled down the hall to greet Sherman with a good morning belly rub, just like every other day. I slipped into the dining room and worked on today's Bible study lesson and then went into the living room for a few minutes of solitude with GMA before Ivan woke up. I expected that after a few minutes of silence I would hear the usual "DAHHHH!" coming from Ivan's room announcing that he was awake and ready to be seen. As I sat there starring at a muted Charlie Gibson I heard Ivan moving around in his crib and knew that the "DAHHHH!" was near. However, no "DAHHHH" ever came. Instead it was the word that I have been longing to hear ever since I can remember. All of a sudden the quiet of the house was broken with one loud "MAAAAMAAA!" I ran to his door with the most ridiculous grin on my face. I opened his door and said with a smile in my voice "You rang little man?"
My heart has been filled to the brim all day because of that moment. Somehow, it made everything so much more real for me. I AM Ivan's mama and he is MY son. I don't know what it is about that one word, but it just made me feel like a million bucks today.
Happy Mother's Day to ME! (a little early)
Friday, April 07, 2006
Right On...
Last night as J and I were just about to drift off to sleep, we were exchanging little thoughts back and forth. As usual the final ones were about Ivan and what a sweet little soul he is. J's last words to me last night were as follows:
"You know, heaven forbid anything happen to him or anything; but I would have to say that I am just better for having known him."
I thought about that comment a lot today. I told J over dinner that I was moved to tears by that one little statement, because it is so true. God forbid anything ever happen to Ivan, I am just so thankful that I have him in my life. He lights up everyone who meets him and he does it by just being himself.
"You know, heaven forbid anything happen to him or anything; but I would have to say that I am just better for having known him."
I thought about that comment a lot today. I told J over dinner that I was moved to tears by that one little statement, because it is so true. God forbid anything ever happen to Ivan, I am just so thankful that I have him in my life. He lights up everyone who meets him and he does it by just being himself.
Saturday, March 18, 2006
Dear Son...
Two years ago today you took your first breath. Daddy and I were not able to be there. God's perfect timing had not yet been achieved. One year ago today we knew who you were, but you had no idea who we were or that we loved you so much we ached inside. God's perfect timing had not yet been achieved. However, He saw fit to unite us forever on July 3, 2005 and we have hugged and kissed you every day since then.
Today, we will celebrate your birth and the start of your third year of life. How can you already be two, when we have only known you for nine months? Where have those nine months gone, anyway?
Ivan, you have helped us to get our priorities straight and to strive harder to live the life that God has set out for us. In short son, you have encouraged us to be the best that we can be. We want to thank you for all that you have brought to our lives since we met you. You have allowed us to be totally silly, carefree and open. Neither Mommy nor Daddy has ever been as uninhibited as we are with you. You allow us to sing at the top of our lungs and boogy down without ever feeling ridiculous or self-concious. Your presence here has changed everything and we LOVE the changes!
Thank you for all of the joy that you bring into our lives. We love you to the moon and back, always.
Mommy and Daddy
Today, we will celebrate your birth and the start of your third year of life. How can you already be two, when we have only known you for nine months? Where have those nine months gone, anyway?
Ivan, you have helped us to get our priorities straight and to strive harder to live the life that God has set out for us. In short son, you have encouraged us to be the best that we can be. We want to thank you for all that you have brought to our lives since we met you. You have allowed us to be totally silly, carefree and open. Neither Mommy nor Daddy has ever been as uninhibited as we are with you. You allow us to sing at the top of our lungs and boogy down without ever feeling ridiculous or self-concious. Your presence here has changed everything and we LOVE the changes!
Thank you for all of the joy that you bring into our lives. We love you to the moon and back, always.
Mommy and Daddy
Monday, March 13, 2006
Keeping us on track...
Tonight we had dinner at my parents house. Our family does this almost every Monday night because my Mom and I are in a Bible Study that meets very near their house. I live about 30 minutes from my parents, so J and I meet at my parents, have dinner and then J, Ivan and Sherman drive home while I am in class. Then I drive home after class. Monday's are always hectic because I am either preparing the meal, or trying to help Mom prepare the meal and look after Ivan in a non-baby-proofed home. Plus, Mom and I are trying to get out the door by 6:35 so that we will be on time for the opening hymn. We cut it close every week.
Since we are always rushed on Monday nights, sometimes we cut corners. Tonight the corner that we (almost) cut was saying a blessing before we ate dinner. We were serving buffet style and we were running late, so everyone was just digging in as they sat down at the table. As I started to cut up some chicken for Ivan, I looked over at him and saw the most powerful sight. There he sat in his highchair with his hands folded and waiting for us to say the blessing. We all shamefully dropped our forks and bowed our heads. It took the twenty-three month old to remind us to give thanks for our meal.
The Lord blesses me through my son every single day.
Since we are always rushed on Monday nights, sometimes we cut corners. Tonight the corner that we (almost) cut was saying a blessing before we ate dinner. We were serving buffet style and we were running late, so everyone was just digging in as they sat down at the table. As I started to cut up some chicken for Ivan, I looked over at him and saw the most powerful sight. There he sat in his highchair with his hands folded and waiting for us to say the blessing. We all shamefully dropped our forks and bowed our heads. It took the twenty-three month old to remind us to give thanks for our meal.
The Lord blesses me through my son every single day.
Saturday, February 18, 2006
Oh, I hope he doesn't get my...Oops. Nevermind.
A few weeks ago Ivan and I had a play date with some former co-workers of mine. We were all sitting around watching the kids play and talking about this that and the other. J commented about how nice Ivan's teeth look (very straight and very pearly white). I started to say "Oh, I hope that he doesn't get my teeth because I had to have braces." Before I finished the thought, I realized how absurd that would sound considering that Ivan has none of my genetics! I laughed to myself and then confessed what I was thinking to the group. Everyone laughed as I explained what a wonderful moment this was for me.
When we first arrived home I felt like a fraud. Here I was with a 16 month old and most Mom's of a child this age have a clue as to what to expect from their child. I didn't. I had only known him for a month- how could I! Then there was the time this fall when Ivan was hugging his aunt L goodbye and I stood there looking at him and thought (for a split-second) "What a beautiful little boy, I wish he was mine". Then I smacked back to reality and realized HE IS MINE!
So, this innocent thought at our play group was a wonderful moment for me. It showed me that I no longer have to remind myself that Ivan is mine and this is real! I know it now, with every fiber of my being. He is my son and I am his Mom and no one or anything can change that.
Sigh...after so many years of waiting for the fulfillment of my prayers, he is here and I am so happy.
When we first arrived home I felt like a fraud. Here I was with a 16 month old and most Mom's of a child this age have a clue as to what to expect from their child. I didn't. I had only known him for a month- how could I! Then there was the time this fall when Ivan was hugging his aunt L goodbye and I stood there looking at him and thought (for a split-second) "What a beautiful little boy, I wish he was mine". Then I smacked back to reality and realized HE IS MINE!
So, this innocent thought at our play group was a wonderful moment for me. It showed me that I no longer have to remind myself that Ivan is mine and this is real! I know it now, with every fiber of my being. He is my son and I am his Mom and no one or anything can change that.
Sigh...after so many years of waiting for the fulfillment of my prayers, he is here and I am so happy.
Friday, February 17, 2006
One year ago today...
It was one year ago today that J and I first saw the face of our son for the first time. We received a video tape of him from when he was two months old. He was to turn eleven months old the very next day. It did not take us long to realize that we were looking at the face of our child-to-be. The following week was a whirlwind of prayers and emotions, but one that I am so glad we were able to experience. Had anything gone any differently, Ivan might not be here today and that is something I can't even imagine!
J and I took that leap of faith that all International Adopters talk about last February. When we did, we never could have known how GREAT the landing would be.
Thank you Lord for the blessing that is our son.
J and I took that leap of faith that all International Adopters talk about last February. When we did, we never could have known how GREAT the landing would be.
Thank you Lord for the blessing that is our son.
Monday, February 13, 2006
The Moon...
Last night I took Sherman out for his evening constitutional. While we were strolling up the street I noticed the moon. It was the same glorious moon that J and I saw every night while we were in Ust-Kamenogorsk, Kazakhstan. It was so bright and silvery...it shimmered!
J and I would sit out on our balcony almost every evening while we were in Ust and stare at that glorious moon. J would usually smoke a cigar and I would just sit there and try to process the events of the day. It never failed that one of us would comment on the silvery moon at least once.
That moon became a sign of real hope and peace for J and me. It represented the final stage of our long road to building our family. We were finally there! Once we reached Almaty we no long saw that silvery moon. We had Ivan with us and there was no time to sit on the balcony.
I've seen the moon plenty of times since we returned home, but last night was the first Kazakh moon that I have seen since we left Ust in July. It was a real treat.
Life is good.
J and I would sit out on our balcony almost every evening while we were in Ust and stare at that glorious moon. J would usually smoke a cigar and I would just sit there and try to process the events of the day. It never failed that one of us would comment on the silvery moon at least once.
That moon became a sign of real hope and peace for J and me. It represented the final stage of our long road to building our family. We were finally there! Once we reached Almaty we no long saw that silvery moon. We had Ivan with us and there was no time to sit on the balcony.
I've seen the moon plenty of times since we returned home, but last night was the first Kazakh moon that I have seen since we left Ust in July. It was a real treat.
Life is good.
Sunday, February 12, 2006
Birds, Pumpkins and Trucks...Oh My!
Ever since we arrived home with Ivan six months ago...yes, six months ago January 30...he has fixated on different objects. The first two months he was all into birds. Birds, birds everywhere. Everything he saw a bird he would get excited and about jump out of his stroller.
Then as we moved into late September and October it became pumpkins. Good timing kid because they were everywhere! We were still getting out almost every morning for a 30 minute walk at that time and he was able to spot a pumpkin from 50 paces with no problems.
Then the pumpkins began to disappear and our walks drew to a close as the weather began to get cooler. Sometime shortly after Christmas Ivan discovered trucks...all trucks and any size of truck elicits the same excited "DAH, DAH!" from the back-seat. We had an unusually warm day a couple of weeks ago, so Ivan and I headed to the park for an hour or so after his nap. While he was swinging he spotted just about every truck that passed by the park. He was delighted and it just made me giggle. I have never made any kind of deal over trucks and neither has J. It seems to be a boy thing I suppose. It's cute really. Heck, everything about that little guy is cute, if I do say so myself.
Then as we moved into late September and October it became pumpkins. Good timing kid because they were everywhere! We were still getting out almost every morning for a 30 minute walk at that time and he was able to spot a pumpkin from 50 paces with no problems.
Then the pumpkins began to disappear and our walks drew to a close as the weather began to get cooler. Sometime shortly after Christmas Ivan discovered trucks...all trucks and any size of truck elicits the same excited "DAH, DAH!" from the back-seat. We had an unusually warm day a couple of weeks ago, so Ivan and I headed to the park for an hour or so after his nap. While he was swinging he spotted just about every truck that passed by the park. He was delighted and it just made me giggle. I have never made any kind of deal over trucks and neither has J. It seems to be a boy thing I suppose. It's cute really. Heck, everything about that little guy is cute, if I do say so myself.
Friday, January 20, 2006
No time for cocktails...or anything else for that matter!
I have needed to journal in the past few weeks, just to get my head around things. Unfortunately, my 22 month old has other plans for my time.
So, ok maybe there is time for cocktails, just not anything else!
So, ok maybe there is time for cocktails, just not anything else!
Sunday, January 01, 2006
Reflection & Understanding
Dear God,
Wow, what a difference a year makes, huh? Last year at this time I was so lost, so confused about your plan for my life. Now however, I understand (at least a portion of) your plan for J and me. As I look back on the past 12 months, I clearly see why things happened the way they did.
Last New Year's Day J and I were hopeful that you would bless us with a child at some point during 2005, but we were still a little miffed that you had yet to reveal who that child would be. We had expected to know who he/she was before Christmas time 2004, but you had other plans. I shook my fist at you more than once during those days when I was not sure what it was you were waiting on. You had shown us that you wanted us to pursue adoption, so why the wait. Hadn't we waited enough already?
Then on January 6 the phone rang. It was our SW, P. She had a referral for us to review, only he was not in Russia, but Kazakhstan. "What?" we said. "No, no. We are totally committed to Russia, thanks but we don't want to review the information." That was a difficult day for us. That was the first time that P had called us about a referral and it was not what we had expected. I walked around my office building asking you why you had sent us that referral. What were you trying to tell us? Was this our child? Were we just turning our noses up because he was not from the country that we wanted to adopt from? I was fairly certain that this was not the child you had created for us to love and parent, but I was so unsure of what you were trying to tell me. Well, after a few days you began to work on my heart. Lord, you got me to start to pray about being open to another country and whatever that may entail.
Then on February 15, the phone rang again. This time P was calling to tell us about a little boy in Russia. The only thing was that he was 20 months old...way out of our age range. We still wanted an infant. J and I talked and prayed and cried. I know that you remember that day...all of those tears and anger and frustration and wanting to know if this was the one that you had set aside for us. Ultimately, you made it clear to both J and me that this was not the one for us and we called P the next day to let her know that we did not want her to send us any information on this little guy. However, you really opened our hearts about our age range that night. J and I talked very frankly about what our "outer limit" would be as far as age. We decided that we wanted our little one home by 18 months of age. So in that one night we moved past having to have an infant. Praise to you for that, because it made the next day so much easier.
One final, glorious time the phone rang. It was February 17, a Thursday. P was on the line again. She had another referral for us to consider, again from Kazakhstan. However, you had opened our hearts to changing countries, and increasing our age range. J and I knew the moment that P started talking that this was the child you wanted us to have and so we joyfully took that leap of faith and said YES to our son.
I was so happy at that time, so glad to know who he was and were he was. I still worried endlessly about how he was doing, but I knew that you were in charge and were taking care of him for me. Then came delay after delay. We thought that we would travel in April, then May and finally we learned that we were to leave June 30.
Once we left for Kazakhstan you, oh mighty Lord, took over completely. You left nothing to chance, placed a smooth path in front of us and lead the whole way home. You even gave us the gift of a sleeping child for the 20 plus hour trip home. You made it all so easy.
You also planned J's new job and the timing of it all so perfectly. You saw to it that J's new manager was willing to wait until we returned from Kazakhstan for him to move into that role. J was so relieved to leave his old role when we left for Kaz and know that upon his return, he would start fresh on a new account.
There are no words to tell you how grateful I am for your perfect timing, and for the gift that is our son. You knew all along what would happen, where we should go and when we should get there. I, however, questioned your plan at every turn. Yet, you were so patient and gentle with me. Always reminding me that you were in control and to let it happen on your time table, not mine.
I've tried to tell those around us that this family was all in your divine plan and that you made it happen. I'm sure that there are those out there that refuse to see your hand in their lives. I refuse to be one of those Lord. Your perfect plan is so evident, upon reflection.
I think I finally understand.
Wow, what a difference a year makes, huh? Last year at this time I was so lost, so confused about your plan for my life. Now however, I understand (at least a portion of) your plan for J and me. As I look back on the past 12 months, I clearly see why things happened the way they did.
Last New Year's Day J and I were hopeful that you would bless us with a child at some point during 2005, but we were still a little miffed that you had yet to reveal who that child would be. We had expected to know who he/she was before Christmas time 2004, but you had other plans. I shook my fist at you more than once during those days when I was not sure what it was you were waiting on. You had shown us that you wanted us to pursue adoption, so why the wait. Hadn't we waited enough already?
Then on January 6 the phone rang. It was our SW, P. She had a referral for us to review, only he was not in Russia, but Kazakhstan. "What?" we said. "No, no. We are totally committed to Russia, thanks but we don't want to review the information." That was a difficult day for us. That was the first time that P had called us about a referral and it was not what we had expected. I walked around my office building asking you why you had sent us that referral. What were you trying to tell us? Was this our child? Were we just turning our noses up because he was not from the country that we wanted to adopt from? I was fairly certain that this was not the child you had created for us to love and parent, but I was so unsure of what you were trying to tell me. Well, after a few days you began to work on my heart. Lord, you got me to start to pray about being open to another country and whatever that may entail.
Then on February 15, the phone rang again. This time P was calling to tell us about a little boy in Russia. The only thing was that he was 20 months old...way out of our age range. We still wanted an infant. J and I talked and prayed and cried. I know that you remember that day...all of those tears and anger and frustration and wanting to know if this was the one that you had set aside for us. Ultimately, you made it clear to both J and me that this was not the one for us and we called P the next day to let her know that we did not want her to send us any information on this little guy. However, you really opened our hearts about our age range that night. J and I talked very frankly about what our "outer limit" would be as far as age. We decided that we wanted our little one home by 18 months of age. So in that one night we moved past having to have an infant. Praise to you for that, because it made the next day so much easier.
One final, glorious time the phone rang. It was February 17, a Thursday. P was on the line again. She had another referral for us to consider, again from Kazakhstan. However, you had opened our hearts to changing countries, and increasing our age range. J and I knew the moment that P started talking that this was the child you wanted us to have and so we joyfully took that leap of faith and said YES to our son.
I was so happy at that time, so glad to know who he was and were he was. I still worried endlessly about how he was doing, but I knew that you were in charge and were taking care of him for me. Then came delay after delay. We thought that we would travel in April, then May and finally we learned that we were to leave June 30.
Once we left for Kazakhstan you, oh mighty Lord, took over completely. You left nothing to chance, placed a smooth path in front of us and lead the whole way home. You even gave us the gift of a sleeping child for the 20 plus hour trip home. You made it all so easy.
You also planned J's new job and the timing of it all so perfectly. You saw to it that J's new manager was willing to wait until we returned from Kazakhstan for him to move into that role. J was so relieved to leave his old role when we left for Kaz and know that upon his return, he would start fresh on a new account.
There are no words to tell you how grateful I am for your perfect timing, and for the gift that is our son. You knew all along what would happen, where we should go and when we should get there. I, however, questioned your plan at every turn. Yet, you were so patient and gentle with me. Always reminding me that you were in control and to let it happen on your time table, not mine.
I've tried to tell those around us that this family was all in your divine plan and that you made it happen. I'm sure that there are those out there that refuse to see your hand in their lives. I refuse to be one of those Lord. Your perfect plan is so evident, upon reflection.
I think I finally understand.
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