Home Again...

We are back safe and sound from our excursion at the beach. Everyone had a wonderful time, but it is always good to come home again.

More later...yawn. I need a nap.

Let Them Eat Sand!

We are off to the beach tomorrow. We will be gone for a week. It won't be relaxing with three kids (5, 2, and 1) but it should be interesting! Thankfully there are two adults for each child so no one should get lost.

TTFN!

Eatin' Good in the Neighborhood...

Ivan is a good eater, no doubt about it. He loves almost all fruit and most vegetables and just about anything else that we set in front of him. So, it came as no surprise last night when he made the more sign over his empty broccoli bowl. What did come as a surprise was when he did it two more times! After three helpings of broccoli I cut him off though. Oh, I hope that his good eating habits are lifetime habits.

Adjusting to a new life...

We returned from Kazakhstan on July 30, 2005 with our son Ivan. Upon our return I went through several stages of adjustment to instant parenthood to a toddler.

First there was the fraud phase. During the first couple of months whenever we left the house I felt like a fraud. If Ivan started to get upset I wasn't always sure what had set him off or what he needed for me to do in order to make things better. Most Mom's of a 16-18 month old know what upsets their child and how to help them. However, I didn't meet my child until he was 15 months old, so I was still learning so much about him at that time. In retrospect,I think that it all came more naturally than I was willing to give myself credit for.

The next phase on our first year journey was the I can't believe he's mine phase. This coincided greatly with the fraud phase. There were times that we would be out and about doing our thing and I would just catch myself looking at Ivan and thinking "What a lovely little boy" almost like I was someone who did not even know him.

Then I moved into the explanation phase where I would feel that I needed to explain why Ivan's eyes looked nothing like mine or J's.

Around Christmas time I really started to feel like Ivan was mine and I began to gain some confidence in my mothering skills.

As the New Year dawned I began to get into the swing of Motherhood and no longer felt compelled to explain about our family. If someone commented on Ivan's unique eyes I would just smile and say thank you. When we first arrived home I was so excited about our adoption journey that I would immediately tell the "complementor" that Ivan was adopted from Kazakhstan and we were so blessed to be united etc, etc.

Now after being home for a full year, I feel totally natural and at ease with my role as Ivan's mom. There are times when I have no clue about how to handle a situation, but now I know that it has nothing to do with being a new parent, it is all just a part of the journey of parenthood.

Messy house = Happy kid?

Before J and I became Ivan's parents I thought that I would keep a beautiful and clean home, stay on top of laundry and other household chores since I would be "at home". One year later I can safely say that nothing could be further from the truth. I can also say that (at least for today) that's OK. I'm sure that by the time Monday rolls around I will want to delete this entry entirely though.

The reality of having a toddler at home is that very little gets done as it did prior to their entrance and it really doesn't matter anyway. It is so much more important that I spend time with Ivan and that we dance and sing together. Not to say that my household chores shouldn't ever get done, but I am learning to accept that they (at least for the time being) aren't going to get done as often as I would like for them to...and that is OK.

One year ago today...

One glorious year ago today the judge in Ust-Kamenogorsk declared that Ivan would be ours forever. Of course we already knew that months before we even traveled to Kazakhstan because we could feel God leading us to this child, but it certainly was nice to have everything all wrapped up and tidy.

Thank you Lord for one of the most wonderful gifts you ever blessed us with...our son.

I'm off...

Tomorrow morning I am leaving for a little getaway with my best girlfriend S, and I can't wait! We have lots of plans for our one night getaway: manicure, pedicure, eating out without kids, drinking cosmopolitans, reading stupid gossip magazines, and of course laughing until it hurts. I am so excited I can hardly stand it!

This week Ivan and I have been at odds a bit more often than normal. I think that there are many factors at play here and one of those is that I need some time away from being a Mom. I know that now that we have Ivan I will never not be a Mom again, but a little time for just me is in order. My loving husband could not be more supportive of my little adventure; which is great of course because it means I can go guilt free! This will be J and Ivan's first full night alone together and I know that it will be a great experience for both of them.

So, I am hoping that when I return Sunday afternoon I will feel refreshed and ready to be a full-time Mom once again!

The Mama's and the Dada's...

A week or so before Mother’s Day Ivan started to say “mama”. He did not use it a lot, mostly only when J would push him to do it while looking right at me. However, that has all changed within the past week. All of a sudden Ivan is calling me mama all the time. If he wants to know where I am he says it loud enough for me to hear him from anywhere in the house so that I can identify where I am at that particular moment. He sees me enter or exit a room and he says it. He wants my attention at the dinner table, in the tub, anywhere…he says it. I love it! Not only has he started to say mama he has really started to say dada too! J loves it and just about melts every time that Ivan yells out dada.

Of course with this wonderful new trick comes a down side as well. J always takes Ivan to the nursery for church because Ivan gets way too upset when I take him and it just breaks my heart to see him get that upset. I can’t concentrate on the service when I am upset so J has been kind enough to take him every Sunday. This Sunday I was just getting ready to sit down in the pew when Ivan looked back and saw that I was not right behind him and J. He yelled out a gut-wrenching MAMA right as the doors closed. I could hear him saying “mama, mama, mama” all the way through the hall. Oh boy did that hurt. I knew that he would be fine. He loves the nursery once he gets there and the ladies dote on him like he’s their own. But boy, was that tough to hear.

We met Ivan one year ago today. These two words are music to my ears and to my heart as well. It’s been the greatest year of my life and I can’t wait to see what’s in store for the next twelve months.

Choices...

Ivan and I had a play date yesterday. We both had a great time and I know that I need to schedule more play dates because we both get a lot out of them. The problem is that most of my friends fit into two categories: no children or working Mom's. I am a full time stay at home Mom. It was never really a decision for J and me it was what we both wanted for our family. Even though I know that this is what is best for my family I understand that this arrangement is not right for every family. I feel very passionately about Mom's staying home with their children, but I understand that this will not work for everyone and I really keep my mouth shut in regards to other's choices. It is always a hot button issue no matter which side you are on and since it really is none of my business, I stay out of it. Why don't my working Mom friends pay me the same respect?

My friend and I were strolling the kids through the neighborhood talking about this that and the other. Eventually we got onto the topic of J and me moving closer to his office. He currently has a 45 mile (one-way) commute and I am traveling at least 30 minutes almost every time I get into the car to get to our shopping, play dates, Bible Study class, etc. So, needless to say we are feeling the desire to move a little closer to the rest of our lives.

With me staying home money is tight. We have a strict budget and we are trying to stick to it as best we can, but there is little wiggle room at this point. My friend does not have the same money concerns that J and I have, in part because she returned to work on a part-time basis when her son was nine months old. Her choice and now they have the money to do some extra things that J and I can't at the moment. Anyway, she was showing me some of the houses in her neighborhood that are for sale. When I said that they were out of our range at the moment she started talking about how I should get a part-time job so that we could afford more house etc. I tried to listen and remain polite, but I was a little frustrated at her insistence. To her credit she was talking about me perhaps looking after some kids in my home eliminating the need for Ivan to attend day-care. However, I feel that if I am caring for other children in my home then I will not be able to be there for Ivan 100% - which is what I feel I am supposed to do as his mother.

Yesterday was not the first time that one of my working Mom friend's has tried to persuade me about the benefits of me working (extra money, Ivan seeing other kids daily and gaining independence from me etc, etc). Their hearts are in the right place, but I wish that they would keep their opinions to themselves.

Staying home or working outside of the home once you have kids is a huge decision and one that almost every Mom and Dad wrestle with at one time or another. It is, in my opinion, one of the most personal decision a couple can make.

J and I have made our decision, and we are thrilled with our choice!

Narrator...

Lately I feel like the narrator of Ivan's life. Since he still isn't really talking, I often try to interpret what his various and sundry doe's and dah's mean. Normally, I am right on target with what he is trying to tell me. He does use Baby Sign a lot and that has really helped with the communication gap, but I often feel compelled to say what he is signing at me just to reinforce the spoken language as well. All of this narration leaves me feeling like the omniscient narrator of a book about the life a toddler. At least I find his little life rather entertaining!

Perfect...

I saw this on another blog last night and it is just so perfect I had to post it here.


I didn't give you the gift of life, But in my heart I know.
The love I feel is deep and real, As if it had been so.
For us to have each other Is like a dream come true!
No, I didn't give you The gift of life, Life gave me the gift of you.
--- Unknown

Ivan's Latest Gig...

Within the past two weeks or so Ivan has started to sing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star all by himself. It is the cutest thing to hear. He sings the tune with the "doe" sound.

He has always sung to himself, but this is the first tune that he has sung that we know! While we were in Kazakhstan staying in Almaty he would sing right before he drifted off to sleep. I can still hear it. Wah Waaaah Wah, Wah Waaaah Wah.

For me the little things like this are what make me want to cry. Ivan is pure joy.

Sick...

Ivan has been sick almost all week. We are heading to the Dr's office in about 20 minutes to see if he has strep or not. I just want to make it all better and I can't. In fact whenever I have to give him medicine it makes him feel worse (at least in the short term). It's been a tough week.

Sigh...

I don't know where this feeling is coming from lately, but I am feeling SO nostalgic about our trip to Kazakhstan last summer. I miss the intimacy that our little family shared during that time. It isn't that we aren't close here, but there were no outside distractions while we were there and I am really missing that right now. Sometimes life just gets in the way.

Sigh...

God's Mother's Day Gift...More Clarity

I know that Mother's Day is a secular holiday, but this year God was with me in my pew.

Mother's Day was awesome. As I sat in church that morning God blessed me with some real clarity and answers about why things happened the way that they did over the past several years. While we were going through all of our IF treatments and then the changes with our adoption and finally with the wait to travel, I would often say (in conversation and in prayer) I know that all of this will make sense when I get to Heaven. However, the Lord is so good to me. He has revealed a lot of those answers to me already, less than one year since Ivan joined our family!

Thank you Lord for your generosity and love.

Post Placement Visit #2

Today J and I met with our SW from our agency for our second Post Placement visit. M came out to our house around 4 and stayed until after 6. I'm fairly certain that she normally only takes about an hour and a half to do these visits, but we get along SO well that we all just keep talking and talking!

It was a really great visit and she really enjoyed watching Ivan warm up. He was still napping when she arrived, so when he awoke he was very shy and stuck close to Daddy on the other side of the room. In time M coaxed Ivan out of his shy mood and got him to perform some of his favorite tricks for her (pointing at all of his body parts is one trick, sharing his toys with new folks is another).

M did offer some resources if we are interested in getting some early intervention help for Ivan's speech. He still isn't saying much other than Dah. An occasional MaMa, but only when he REALLY wants my attention. The Dr. has recomended that we wait and see how he progresses over the summer, but M could sense that J and I are ready to get on this sooner rather than later. Ivan uses some Baby Signs to help ease everyone's frusterations - but sometimes there just isn't a sign for what he wants to tell us.

All in all it was a great visit. I mean who doesn't love to talk about their kid, plus she is truly interested!

The Sweetest Sound Ever...

When I woke up this morning I had no idea what an important day this would become for me. Here's what happened today...

I turned off my alarm one minute before it went off. Climbed out of bed, washed my face and stumbled down the hall to greet Sherman with a good morning belly rub, just like every other day. I slipped into the dining room and worked on today's Bible study lesson and then went into the living room for a few minutes of solitude with GMA before Ivan woke up. I expected that after a few minutes of silence I would hear the usual "DAHHHH!" coming from Ivan's room announcing that he was awake and ready to be seen. As I sat there starring at a muted Charlie Gibson I heard Ivan moving around in his crib and knew that the "DAHHHH!" was near. However, no "DAHHHH" ever came. Instead it was the word that I have been longing to hear ever since I can remember. All of a sudden the quiet of the house was broken with one loud "MAAAAMAAA!" I ran to his door with the most ridiculous grin on my face. I opened his door and said with a smile in my voice "You rang little man?"

My heart has been filled to the brim all day because of that moment. Somehow, it made everything so much more real for me. I AM Ivan's mama and he is MY son. I don't know what it is about that one word, but it just made me feel like a million bucks today.

Happy Mother's Day to ME! (a little early)

Right On...

Last night as J and I were just about to drift off to sleep, we were exchanging little thoughts back and forth. As usual the final ones were about Ivan and what a sweet little soul he is. J's last words to me last night were as follows:

"You know, heaven forbid anything happen to him or anything; but I would have to say that I am just better for having known him."

I thought about that comment a lot today. I told J over dinner that I was moved to tears by that one little statement, because it is so true. God forbid anything ever happen to Ivan, I am just so thankful that I have him in my life. He lights up everyone who meets him and he does it by just being himself.

Dear Son...

Two years ago today you took your first breath. Daddy and I were not able to be there. God's perfect timing had not yet been achieved. One year ago today we knew who you were, but you had no idea who we were or that we loved you so much we ached inside. God's perfect timing had not yet been achieved. However, He saw fit to unite us forever on July 3, 2005 and we have hugged and kissed you every day since then.

Today, we will celebrate your birth and the start of your third year of life. How can you already be two, when we have only known you for nine months? Where have those nine months gone, anyway?

Ivan, you have helped us to get our priorities straight and to strive harder to live the life that God has set out for us. In short son, you have encouraged us to be the best that we can be. We want to thank you for all that you have brought to our lives since we met you. You have allowed us to be totally silly, carefree and open. Neither Mommy nor Daddy has ever been as uninhibited as we are with you. You allow us to sing at the top of our lungs and boogy down without ever feeling ridiculous or self-concious. Your presence here has changed everything and we LOVE the changes!

Thank you for all of the joy that you bring into our lives. We love you to the moon and back, always.

Mommy and Daddy

Keeping us on track...

Tonight we had dinner at my parents house. Our family does this almost every Monday night because my Mom and I are in a Bible Study that meets very near their house. I live about 30 minutes from my parents, so J and I meet at my parents, have dinner and then J, Ivan and Sherman drive home while I am in class. Then I drive home after class. Monday's are always hectic because I am either preparing the meal, or trying to help Mom prepare the meal and look after Ivan in a non-baby-proofed home. Plus, Mom and I are trying to get out the door by 6:35 so that we will be on time for the opening hymn. We cut it close every week.

Since we are always rushed on Monday nights, sometimes we cut corners. Tonight the corner that we (almost) cut was saying a blessing before we ate dinner. We were serving buffet style and we were running late, so everyone was just digging in as they sat down at the table. As I started to cut up some chicken for Ivan, I looked over at him and saw the most powerful sight. There he sat in his highchair with his hands folded and waiting for us to say the blessing. We all shamefully dropped our forks and bowed our heads. It took the twenty-three month old to remind us to give thanks for our meal.

The Lord blesses me through my son every single day.