God's Mother's Day Gift...More Clarity

I know that Mother's Day is a secular holiday, but this year God was with me in my pew.

Mother's Day was awesome. As I sat in church that morning God blessed me with some real clarity and answers about why things happened the way that they did over the past several years. While we were going through all of our IF treatments and then the changes with our adoption and finally with the wait to travel, I would often say (in conversation and in prayer) I know that all of this will make sense when I get to Heaven. However, the Lord is so good to me. He has revealed a lot of those answers to me already, less than one year since Ivan joined our family!

Thank you Lord for your generosity and love.

Post Placement Visit #2

Today J and I met with our SW from our agency for our second Post Placement visit. M came out to our house around 4 and stayed until after 6. I'm fairly certain that she normally only takes about an hour and a half to do these visits, but we get along SO well that we all just keep talking and talking!

It was a really great visit and she really enjoyed watching Ivan warm up. He was still napping when she arrived, so when he awoke he was very shy and stuck close to Daddy on the other side of the room. In time M coaxed Ivan out of his shy mood and got him to perform some of his favorite tricks for her (pointing at all of his body parts is one trick, sharing his toys with new folks is another).

M did offer some resources if we are interested in getting some early intervention help for Ivan's speech. He still isn't saying much other than Dah. An occasional MaMa, but only when he REALLY wants my attention. The Dr. has recomended that we wait and see how he progresses over the summer, but M could sense that J and I are ready to get on this sooner rather than later. Ivan uses some Baby Signs to help ease everyone's frusterations - but sometimes there just isn't a sign for what he wants to tell us.

All in all it was a great visit. I mean who doesn't love to talk about their kid, plus she is truly interested!

The Sweetest Sound Ever...

When I woke up this morning I had no idea what an important day this would become for me. Here's what happened today...

I turned off my alarm one minute before it went off. Climbed out of bed, washed my face and stumbled down the hall to greet Sherman with a good morning belly rub, just like every other day. I slipped into the dining room and worked on today's Bible study lesson and then went into the living room for a few minutes of solitude with GMA before Ivan woke up. I expected that after a few minutes of silence I would hear the usual "DAHHHH!" coming from Ivan's room announcing that he was awake and ready to be seen. As I sat there starring at a muted Charlie Gibson I heard Ivan moving around in his crib and knew that the "DAHHHH!" was near. However, no "DAHHHH" ever came. Instead it was the word that I have been longing to hear ever since I can remember. All of a sudden the quiet of the house was broken with one loud "MAAAAMAAA!" I ran to his door with the most ridiculous grin on my face. I opened his door and said with a smile in my voice "You rang little man?"

My heart has been filled to the brim all day because of that moment. Somehow, it made everything so much more real for me. I AM Ivan's mama and he is MY son. I don't know what it is about that one word, but it just made me feel like a million bucks today.

Happy Mother's Day to ME! (a little early)

Right On...

Last night as J and I were just about to drift off to sleep, we were exchanging little thoughts back and forth. As usual the final ones were about Ivan and what a sweet little soul he is. J's last words to me last night were as follows:

"You know, heaven forbid anything happen to him or anything; but I would have to say that I am just better for having known him."

I thought about that comment a lot today. I told J over dinner that I was moved to tears by that one little statement, because it is so true. God forbid anything ever happen to Ivan, I am just so thankful that I have him in my life. He lights up everyone who meets him and he does it by just being himself.

Dear Son...

Two years ago today you took your first breath. Daddy and I were not able to be there. God's perfect timing had not yet been achieved. One year ago today we knew who you were, but you had no idea who we were or that we loved you so much we ached inside. God's perfect timing had not yet been achieved. However, He saw fit to unite us forever on July 3, 2005 and we have hugged and kissed you every day since then.

Today, we will celebrate your birth and the start of your third year of life. How can you already be two, when we have only known you for nine months? Where have those nine months gone, anyway?

Ivan, you have helped us to get our priorities straight and to strive harder to live the life that God has set out for us. In short son, you have encouraged us to be the best that we can be. We want to thank you for all that you have brought to our lives since we met you. You have allowed us to be totally silly, carefree and open. Neither Mommy nor Daddy has ever been as uninhibited as we are with you. You allow us to sing at the top of our lungs and boogy down without ever feeling ridiculous or self-concious. Your presence here has changed everything and we LOVE the changes!

Thank you for all of the joy that you bring into our lives. We love you to the moon and back, always.

Mommy and Daddy

Keeping us on track...

Tonight we had dinner at my parents house. Our family does this almost every Monday night because my Mom and I are in a Bible Study that meets very near their house. I live about 30 minutes from my parents, so J and I meet at my parents, have dinner and then J, Ivan and Sherman drive home while I am in class. Then I drive home after class. Monday's are always hectic because I am either preparing the meal, or trying to help Mom prepare the meal and look after Ivan in a non-baby-proofed home. Plus, Mom and I are trying to get out the door by 6:35 so that we will be on time for the opening hymn. We cut it close every week.

Since we are always rushed on Monday nights, sometimes we cut corners. Tonight the corner that we (almost) cut was saying a blessing before we ate dinner. We were serving buffet style and we were running late, so everyone was just digging in as they sat down at the table. As I started to cut up some chicken for Ivan, I looked over at him and saw the most powerful sight. There he sat in his highchair with his hands folded and waiting for us to say the blessing. We all shamefully dropped our forks and bowed our heads. It took the twenty-three month old to remind us to give thanks for our meal.

The Lord blesses me through my son every single day.

Oh, I hope he doesn't get my...Oops. Nevermind.

A few weeks ago Ivan and I had a play date with some former co-workers of mine. We were all sitting around watching the kids play and talking about this that and the other. J commented about how nice Ivan's teeth look (very straight and very pearly white). I started to say "Oh, I hope that he doesn't get my teeth because I had to have braces." Before I finished the thought, I realized how absurd that would sound considering that Ivan has none of my genetics! I laughed to myself and then confessed what I was thinking to the group. Everyone laughed as I explained what a wonderful moment this was for me.

When we first arrived home I felt like a fraud. Here I was with a 16 month old and most Mom's of a child this age have a clue as to what to expect from their child. I didn't. I had only known him for a month- how could I! Then there was the time this fall when Ivan was hugging his aunt L goodbye and I stood there looking at him and thought (for a split-second) "What a beautiful little boy, I wish he was mine". Then I smacked back to reality and realized HE IS MINE!

So, this innocent thought at our play group was a wonderful moment for me. It showed me that I no longer have to remind myself that Ivan is mine and this is real! I know it now, with every fiber of my being. He is my son and I am his Mom and no one or anything can change that.

Sigh...after so many years of waiting for the fulfillment of my prayers, he is here and I am so happy.

One year ago today...

It was one year ago today that J and I first saw the face of our son for the first time. We received a video tape of him from when he was two months old. He was to turn eleven months old the very next day. It did not take us long to realize that we were looking at the face of our child-to-be. The following week was a whirlwind of prayers and emotions, but one that I am so glad we were able to experience. Had anything gone any differently, Ivan might not be here today and that is something I can't even imagine!

J and I took that leap of faith that all International Adopters talk about last February. When we did, we never could have known how GREAT the landing would be.

Thank you Lord for the blessing that is our son.

The Moon...

Last night I took Sherman out for his evening constitutional. While we were strolling up the street I noticed the moon. It was the same glorious moon that J and I saw every night while we were in Ust-Kamenogorsk, Kazakhstan. It was so bright and silvery...it shimmered!

J and I would sit out on our balcony almost every evening while we were in Ust and stare at that glorious moon. J would usually smoke a cigar and I would just sit there and try to process the events of the day. It never failed that one of us would comment on the silvery moon at least once.

That moon became a sign of real hope and peace for J and me. It represented the final stage of our long road to building our family. We were finally there! Once we reached Almaty we no long saw that silvery moon. We had Ivan with us and there was no time to sit on the balcony.

I've seen the moon plenty of times since we returned home, but last night was the first Kazakh moon that I have seen since we left Ust in July. It was a real treat.

Life is good.

Mommy Brain...

Enough said.

Birds, Pumpkins and Trucks...Oh My!

Ever since we arrived home with Ivan six months ago...yes, six months ago January 30...he has fixated on different objects. The first two months he was all into birds. Birds, birds everywhere. Everything he saw a bird he would get excited and about jump out of his stroller.

Then as we moved into late September and October it became pumpkins. Good timing kid because they were everywhere! We were still getting out almost every morning for a 30 minute walk at that time and he was able to spot a pumpkin from 50 paces with no problems.

Then the pumpkins began to disappear and our walks drew to a close as the weather began to get cooler. Sometime shortly after Christmas Ivan discovered trucks...all trucks and any size of truck elicits the same excited "DAH, DAH!" from the back-seat. We had an unusually warm day a couple of weeks ago, so Ivan and I headed to the park for an hour or so after his nap. While he was swinging he spotted just about every truck that passed by the park. He was delighted and it just made me giggle. I have never made any kind of deal over trucks and neither has J. It seems to be a boy thing I suppose. It's cute really. Heck, everything about that little guy is cute, if I do say so myself.

No time for cocktails...or anything else for that matter!

I have needed to journal in the past few weeks, just to get my head around things. Unfortunately, my 22 month old has other plans for my time.

So, ok maybe there is time for cocktails, just not anything else!

Reflection & Understanding

Dear God,
Wow, what a difference a year makes, huh? Last year at this time I was so lost, so confused about your plan for my life. Now however, I understand (at least a portion of) your plan for J and me. As I look back on the past 12 months, I clearly see why things happened the way they did.

Last New Year's Day J and I were hopeful that you would bless us with a child at some point during 2005, but we were still a little miffed that you had yet to reveal who that child would be. We had expected to know who he/she was before Christmas time 2004, but you had other plans. I shook my fist at you more than once during those days when I was not sure what it was you were waiting on. You had shown us that you wanted us to pursue adoption, so why the wait. Hadn't we waited enough already?

Then on January 6 the phone rang. It was our SW, P. She had a referral for us to review, only he was not in Russia, but Kazakhstan. "What?" we said. "No, no. We are totally committed to Russia, thanks but we don't want to review the information." That was a difficult day for us. That was the first time that P had called us about a referral and it was not what we had expected. I walked around my office building asking you why you had sent us that referral. What were you trying to tell us? Was this our child? Were we just turning our noses up because he was not from the country that we wanted to adopt from? I was fairly certain that this was not the child you had created for us to love and parent, but I was so unsure of what you were trying to tell me. Well, after a few days you began to work on my heart. Lord, you got me to start to pray about being open to another country and whatever that may entail.

Then on February 15, the phone rang again. This time P was calling to tell us about a little boy in Russia. The only thing was that he was 20 months old...way out of our age range. We still wanted an infant. J and I talked and prayed and cried. I know that you remember that day...all of those tears and anger and frustration and wanting to know if this was the one that you had set aside for us. Ultimately, you made it clear to both J and me that this was not the one for us and we called P the next day to let her know that we did not want her to send us any information on this little guy. However, you really opened our hearts about our age range that night. J and I talked very frankly about what our "outer limit" would be as far as age. We decided that we wanted our little one home by 18 months of age. So in that one night we moved past having to have an infant. Praise to you for that, because it made the next day so much easier.

One final, glorious time the phone rang. It was February 17, a Thursday. P was on the line again. She had another referral for us to consider, again from Kazakhstan. However, you had opened our hearts to changing countries, and increasing our age range. J and I knew the moment that P started talking that this was the child you wanted us to have and so we joyfully took that leap of faith and said YES to our son.

I was so happy at that time, so glad to know who he was and were he was. I still worried endlessly about how he was doing, but I knew that you were in charge and were taking care of him for me. Then came delay after delay. We thought that we would travel in April, then May and finally we learned that we were to leave June 30.

Once we left for Kazakhstan you, oh mighty Lord, took over completely. You left nothing to chance, placed a smooth path in front of us and lead the whole way home. You even gave us the gift of a sleeping child for the 20 plus hour trip home. You made it all so easy.

You also planned J's new job and the timing of it all so perfectly. You saw to it that J's new manager was willing to wait until we returned from Kazakhstan for him to move into that role. J was so relieved to leave his old role when we left for Kaz and know that upon his return, he would start fresh on a new account.

There are no words to tell you how grateful I am for your perfect timing, and for the gift that is our son. You knew all along what would happen, where we should go and when we should get there. I, however, questioned your plan at every turn. Yet, you were so patient and gentle with me. Always reminding me that you were in control and to let it happen on your time table, not mine.

I've tried to tell those around us that this family was all in your divine plan and that you made it happen. I'm sure that there are those out there that refuse to see your hand in their lives. I refuse to be one of those Lord. Your perfect plan is so evident, upon reflection.

I think I finally understand.

Post Placement Visit #1

Today we had our first post placement visit for Ivan. The Kazakh government requires that we have post placement visits at 6 months post adoption, 1 year, 2 years and 3 years. It is the governments way of making sure that Ivan is in good hands and that all is well. If the social worker were to report that things were not going well, the Kazakh government could not actually do anything, as our adoption was finalized and closed while we were in Kazakhstan. However, if something was amiss the social worker would involve our local DSS.

I love our SW, she is so easy going and showed a true affinity for Ivan. She is that same SW who did our homestudy in August 2004. We developed a great repoar with her back then and it was still there tonight. She asked some questions about Ivan's transition as well as ours. It was all very low key. It was great having such a captive audience for once! Usually, I try not to go on for more than a couple of minutes about Ivan (or anyone, for that matter) because usually people don't want to hear much more than that about anyone or anything!!

Anyway, post placement number 1...in the bag! : )

Bumps and Bruises

Ivan is 20 months old. He has been walking since the middle of July and usually has great balance. However, when he is tired, he bumps into everything. He is also at that height. You know the one that I am talking about...where their heads are the same height as every table in the world. Within the past two weeks Ivan has reached that height and boy does his face show it! The little man currently has two bruises on his head from running into various tables in the house. He gets going so fast and then before I am able to say or do anything...WHAM into the table he goes.

Friday morning's bruise, however, was all my fault. We were playing in the living room and I scooped him up and kissed him all over. He was laughing and having a grand time. I laid him down on the ottoman and walked towards the kitchen to start breakfast. As I looked back to make sure that he was sliding off of the ottoman safely, I saw him start to roll instead of slide. I had put him on his back and not his stomach as I usually do, so Ivan wanted to flip over so that he could slide off on his belly. He rolled right off of the ottoman and onto one of his toys. He bit the inside of his mouth and blood was gushing out. It all happened so fast, there was no way to stop it. Ivan is fine, but there is a nasty bruise on his chin...I, of course, was a mess for the rest of the day. Ahhh motherhood.

Core Meltdown...

Yesterday was by far the toughest day that Ivan and I have had. Tuesday he had to go to the doctor for a final round of "catch-up" vaccinations. The poor guy received 4, yes 4, shots. The poor kid, no one should have to have that many shots in one day. That was the last round like that thankfully. From here on out it will be a max of two per visit.

Anyway, we really needed to go to the grocery store yesterday and since our morning was going so well, I decided that Ivan would miss his morning nap and we would make our weekly shopping trip. I (foolishly) thought that he was feeling 100% and that the worst of the effects from the shots were behind us. Ivan was a little cranky on Wednesday and had a slight temperature. Thursday however, he awoke in good spirits and with no sign of a fever. So, I thought that we were safe to get out and do our thing.

Oh, how naive I was! We were shopping, checking items off of the list as we went. We are on a pretty tight budget so I try to keep a running total going while I shop on the calculator, so that should we come a across a non-essential item I can decide if we have the money for it. Things were moving right along and we were about 2/3 of the way through our list when we hit the deli. There was a woman in front of me who ordered 4 different meats and several types of cheese. Of course there was only one person working the deli, so I had to wait for her order to be filled in it's entirety so that I could get my measly half a pound of Lebanon Bologna (something that you can only find in the deli and not in the prepackaged luncheon meat section). Ivan started to whine a little so I thought he might be getting a little hungry. So, I pulled out some fruit snacks that he loves and gave him those. He quickly returned to his usual happy self. I thought score one for me...I knew what he wanted! When the snack was gone he had some water and continued to be content. I put the wrapper in my pocket and he got upset, so I gave it back thinking that he must want to play with it. He threw it down and he just let go like never before. He started screaming and crying and wailing like a kid possessed. I took him out of the cart and held him, a little better, but not much. After I was done at the deli counter, I put him back in the cart and made my way over to the produce section...his favorite. We usually touch, smell and discuss all of the various fruits and vege's that we are buying for the week and then Ivan places them in the bag for me. Normally he loves this part of the grocery store. This time however, he was just raging like a madman. Everytime I tried to get him interested in something he would just start crying harder.

Finally, I just started running through the store and throwing stuff into my cart, budget be darned. I just had to get out of there! So we get into a checkout lane and we wait and wait and wait. The lady in front of me did not have that much stuff (which is why I chose that lane) but she was trying to teach her kids about how to pay for things, so they each had to have their treats rung up separately. Ivan calmed down a little as he looked at my Sesame Street checks, but when I had to take them away to pay, he cranked up all over again.

At long last, we made it home safe and sound, but not before we were both in tears. I laid Ivan down for a nap as soon as we got home. The poor guy was asleep before I even got his blanket over him. He napped for quite a while that afternoon, and I sat in the room with him. I just couldn't leave him after all that.

Trust...

Ivan and I were outside the other day enjoying the cooler weather here in NC. He was walking up and down the driveway and examining every leaf he could find. Then he was showing them to me as if they were gold. It was wonderful. After a while of staying on the concrete Ivan decided that it was time to venture out into the yard. He took one tentative step onto the uneven surface and then turned around to look at me. I put my hand out and he immediately grabbed it and took off. I would not let him fall on this new terrain and he knew it. It was at that moment that it hit me...Ivan trusts me completely.

What a wonderful and terrifying feeling for a (relatively) new Mom. This little guy trusts me to make everything safe for him. He doesn't ever doubt that Mom will always save the day and make everything all better.

I just wish that it were true. I wish that I would always be able to make everything safe for him. That's part of letting him grow up though. I will have to let him walk on the new terrain all by himself one day. I know that day will come way too fast for me and never quite fast enough for Ivan.

Damn, I love this kid so much!

The Tale...

I told Ivan his adoption story for the first time the other night. I was giving him his "night night" bottle and we were sitting in his room in the antique rocker my parents surprised me with when we got home. I was just staring into his eyes when it just started to pour out.

The story went something like this...

Mommy and Daddy wanted a child very much so we asked God for a child. God said that He had special plans for our family and that we had to be patient and wait for His perfect timing. In time, God told us about a wonderful little boy in Ust-Kamenogorsk, Kazakhstan...you! We told God that we wanted to be the little boy's Mommy and Daddy and that we would love him forever and ever. We wanted to leave right away to meet you but God said that we needed to continue to be patient and wait on His perfect timing. Several months passed and we kept asking God when will it be time for us to meet our son? God told us to continue to wait on His perfect timing.

Then one day in June 2005 God told Mommy and Daddy that it was time to go and meet their little boy. So we booked airplane tickets as fast as we could. We boarded the airplane and we flew, and we flew, and we flew all the way to Kazakhstan. We met you on July 3, 2005 and we were so happy to finally meet you face to face. Mommy and Daddy went to the judge and told him that we wanted to make you our son forever and ever and that we loved you very much. The judge said that we could be your Mommy and Daddy forever and ever. Then all three of us flew, and we flew, and we flew all the way home. Were we lived happily ever after.

The coolest part was the fact that Ivan maintained eye contact with me almost throughout the entire story. It was obvious that he was really listening to what I was telling him. I told Ivan the story again tonight as I fed him his bottle. This time he seemed to be listening even more intently than the other night.

This is just one of the steps that J and I are taking to try and ensure that Ivan never has an "I'm adopted?" moment. We want him to know how proud we are of the fact that he is adopted without calling too much attention to it at the same time. This is one of those things that we will do over the years but will have no idea if we handled it appropriately until he is much older. I hope that we are on the right track.

Stronger and Deeper...

While we were in the process of adopting Ivan (before we traveled and while we were in Kazakhstan) I felt very attached to the little boy that would eventually become my son. I had a very deep and emotional tie to him before I even laid eyes on him in July. The first time I held him, I knew that I would love him forever. The whole time that we were visiting Ivan in the orphanage, my love and adoration for him continued to deepen. The bond I felt for him strengthened with every visit.

When we reached Almaty for the final phase of our adoption trip, I was feeling responsible for this little person and his physical well being. I loved it. I believe that those 10 days were suspended in time for all three of us. J and I were learning how to become parents, and Ivan was learning how to be the member of a family, not a group. When we got off of the plane here at home and were greeted by our loving families, I thought that my love for Ivan could run no deeper and that while time would strengthen the feelings I already had, they would not change.

Now that we have been home for over two months, I can see how shallow my feelings were and how naive I was to think that my feelings were done evolving for Ivan. I see now that the feelings I had before and during travel were more like the "honeymoon" phase in a romantic relationship. Everything is wonderful, the annoyances are minimal and easily forgotten. Then reality sets in and your patience evaporates for those minor annoyances and sometimes they become hurdles that you and your mate are unable or unwilling to overcome.

When we arrived home and the "Honeymoon" was over, I was a little shocked at some of my feelings. I thought that I was totally in love with this child, and suddenly he was driving me crazy! I was so confused by my feelings and even more disappointed in myself for not being happy with him all the time.

I fell into the trap that many people do who have longed and waited for a child for so long. I felt guilty if every moment wasn't pure bliss. I could tell that I loved Ivan, but something felt strange inside. This wasn't the idyllic situation that I had envisioned. Suddenly, I found that I needed to revamp my vision of parenthood and Stay at Home Motherhood in particular.

I think now, with some time under my belt and a little more confidence in myself as a Mom, I have a more realistic view of motherhood. I'm feeling much better and I am not quite so hard on myself when we have a rough day. He's 18 months old...rough days are a part of the territory.

Each night when I go into his room to pull his blanket back over him before J and I go to bed for the night, I stare at him for a few moments. During those moments I realize how much my love has deepened throughout that day.

I no longer feel like a caregiver, nor do I feel that is how Ivan views me. I am the Mom and he is the son, and we love each other more than words could ever express.

Showing Off...

Today my sister and I returned to our old office to show off our new kids. C's second child is now 3 months and she wanted her old team to meet the new addition. I of course wanted my team to meet Ivan. It was strange thinking that they all knew about and were praying for Ivan before we had even met him.

C arrived at 9:30 to meet with her former boss for a few minutes and then I arrived at 10 to start making the rounds together. What a contrast we had going on. C's little girl was content to lay in her infant carrier and coo. Ivan wanted out of the stroller as soon as we stopped moving. He was cruising up and down the halls having a grand old time checking out people's cubicals. Everyone was excited to see the kids, and us. Folks were very taken with Ivan's unique coloring and eye shape. He is very blonde and fair, but has dark, slightly almond shaped eyes. He really is a striking looking child (if I do say so myself).

Most everyone was so excited to finally meet this little blessing that J and I have received. I was more than happy to oblige them and show him off. He was wonderful the whole time. My sister and I only planned to stay an hour and half, but it turned into two and a half rather quickly. We did not get back to our cars until 12:45! Ivan was starving despite the bottle of formula that he had at 11:30, but he did not get cranky or let anyone but Mommy know. He was a little clingy there at the end which let me know he was getting run down. C and I went to a little pizza place and had lunch. Ivan ate everything I gave him and then passed out in the car on the way home.

I couldn't help but beam about him the whole time. He is such a sweet little soul.