Sometimes. Maybe. Yes?

I don't know what is going on with me lately. J asked me while my Dad was still in the hospital if I was interested in adopting again. At the time I said no, I am quite satisfied with our little family just the way it is. I did qualify that statement with the fact that I was so emotionally spent from Daddy's illness that I couldn't be certain that I was being totally honest. Well, now I can say that perhaps that answer wasn't completely honest.

I find myself wanting another child from time to time. However, there are so many obstacles to us adopting again I get tired just thinking about them all. I know that without a doubt it would all be worth it in the end. There is just so much more to consider this time. Here are a list of some of the issues that make adopting again more difficult and challenging for us:

*First and foremost is that we would turn Ivan's life upside down if we were to bring home a little brother or sister. He is quite happy as an only child and I quite enjoy being able to lavish my love and attention on him without compromise

*Another thing that bothers me is that I am not sure that Sherman could handle us adopting again. He has aged more than I care to admit over the past year (he is 12.5 now) and I fear that having to "break in" another child would just be too much for him

*I like the way our family fits together. The three of us work well together as a family and we all kind of know what to expect

*Gathering all of the paperwork takes a lot of time and concentration, but I have Ivan at home with me and that makes it even more challenging

*I really don't want to list this one for fear of it being mis-understood but it is a big factor. The cost of international adoption is great. If we were to go back then we would use all of our safety-net plus some. We would likely have to use money that is not ours (ie. home equity loan) and then we would have no fall back money. I'm at home full time and so we are making it all work on one income and it is tight already. The money part scares me...I must admit.

*The travel time has increased since we adopted three years ago. It is now either two trips that equal something like 6 weeks or one long trip that could be as many as 9 weeks. No matter how you slice it, that is a lot of time!

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J and I have been talking more openly about a second child since I started writing this post in June. We have also been praying about it a lot more asking God to quiet our desires so that we can truly hear His will about what we are to do. I've backed off reading other adoption blogs and tried to go about daily life with a quiet heart. It's worked to some extent as I no longer feel feverish about the whole thing. I'll keep praying about it all and when a clear answer has been given (it may take years) I'll let you know!

The one thing I forgot to ask...

The day that we left the orphanage for the last time J and I said many, many thank you's to the wonderful caregivers that had loved and cared for Ivan while he waited for us to arrive. However, as I read the recap of another couple's last day at the orphanage I realize that there is one thing that I totally forgot to ask them...

"What do you want me to tell Ivan about you?"

In all of the days that we visited with them and told them how much we appreciated them and all that they had done for our son, we never thought to ask them how they would want to be remembered.

Memories Stored...

I have been following the blog of a couple that has recently adopted from Ivan's orphanage in Ust-Kamenogorsk. Sunday was finally their "Gotcha Day". They adopted through a different agency than we did and it is over a year later...a lot has changed in Kazakh adoptions as well in our region. They met their precious gift in July and had to leave her at the orphanage for 49 agonizing days while they waited for everything to go through the proper channels. As I read their account of that final morning at the orphanage I was flooded with memories and emotions not to mention tears. That was one of the biggest days of my life...I finally and forever crossed into the world of Motherhood.

It was such a bittersweet day for everyone involved. Seeing Ivan's caregiver's cry at the sight of him getting dressed in the outfit that we had brought for his last day in Ust caught me totally off guard. Their tears were genuine and total. Not one of them kept a dry eye that morning. They were so sad to see their little Tollie (their nickname for him)leaving and yet so obviously thrilled to see him find his Mama and Papa. Their love for him was so deep and heartfelt. Each one of them was an answer to prayers.

I'll never forget that day as long as I live. It was one of the most wonderful days of my life, full of more emotion than I can ever express. It is truly one of those times where "you had to be there" because words are not enough.

Ivan and I pray for God's angels every night and thank Him for placing them in Ivan's orphanage and more specifically in his room.

Helena, Olisa, and Svetta thank you from the bottom of my heart for loving my little boy like only a Mama can.

**Ivan is the little bundle on the left...the other bundle is his buddy Ben**