Sometimes. Maybe. Yes?

I don't know what is going on with me lately. J asked me while my Dad was still in the hospital if I was interested in adopting again. At the time I said no, I am quite satisfied with our little family just the way it is. I did qualify that statement with the fact that I was so emotionally spent from Daddy's illness that I couldn't be certain that I was being totally honest. Well, now I can say that perhaps that answer wasn't completely honest.

I find myself wanting another child from time to time. However, there are so many obstacles to us adopting again I get tired just thinking about them all. I know that without a doubt it would all be worth it in the end. There is just so much more to consider this time. Here are a list of some of the issues that make adopting again more difficult and challenging for us:

*First and foremost is that we would turn Ivan's life upside down if we were to bring home a little brother or sister. He is quite happy as an only child and I quite enjoy being able to lavish my love and attention on him without compromise

*Another thing that bothers me is that I am not sure that Sherman could handle us adopting again. He has aged more than I care to admit over the past year (he is 12.5 now) and I fear that having to "break in" another child would just be too much for him

*I like the way our family fits together. The three of us work well together as a family and we all kind of know what to expect

*Gathering all of the paperwork takes a lot of time and concentration, but I have Ivan at home with me and that makes it even more challenging

*I really don't want to list this one for fear of it being mis-understood but it is a big factor. The cost of international adoption is great. If we were to go back then we would use all of our safety-net plus some. We would likely have to use money that is not ours (ie. home equity loan) and then we would have no fall back money. I'm at home full time and so we are making it all work on one income and it is tight already. The money part scares me...I must admit.

*The travel time has increased since we adopted three years ago. It is now either two trips that equal something like 6 weeks or one long trip that could be as many as 9 weeks. No matter how you slice it, that is a lot of time!

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J and I have been talking more openly about a second child since I started writing this post in June. We have also been praying about it a lot more asking God to quiet our desires so that we can truly hear His will about what we are to do. I've backed off reading other adoption blogs and tried to go about daily life with a quiet heart. It's worked to some extent as I no longer feel feverish about the whole thing. I'll keep praying about it all and when a clear answer has been given (it may take years) I'll let you know!