I wonder what she is feeling today...

I am certain that there will never be a March 18th that passes without Ivan's birthmother thinking about her baby boy. She relinquished him at the maternity hospital in Ust-Kamenogorsk and never visited him while he was in the orphanage. I've always thought about her choice in a very positive way. I've always hoped that she relinquished her rights and never visited him so that he would be eligible for adoption that much sooner. She was young when she gave birth to Ivan and perhaps she had wisdom beyond her years. I've always wanted to believe that anyway. The truth is though, I don’t know. I don’t know if she relinquished her rights willingly or if a family member strongly encouraged her to do so.

There are so many things that I would like to know about who she is and how she came to make the decision about her baby boy. If I am wondering these things then I can only imagine how much more Ivan may want answers to these questions someday.

Anyway, I pray that she knows how loved he is and how grateful we are that she chose life.

Happy Third Birthday Ivan!

Lessons with PB&J

Last Thursday Ivan and I went shopping at our local warehouse club. As we cruised up and down the isles we talked about the different items that we were buying that day. I picked-up a large package of peanut butter and jelly to donate to our local food pantry. Ivan immediately said, Ivan? I told him no that we were buying this pb&j for those who could not afford their own. He looked at me and again said Ivan? So I told him that we were buying it to share with others and he seemed satisfied.

When we got home and I put the pb&j in the dinning room, a place that guaranteed that I would not forget it on Sunday morning, Ivan again asked if it was for him. I explained again that we had bought this for others. He started to cry and say that he wanted it. I took him into our pantry and showed him our identical jars of pb&j and said that these were for Ivan anytime he wanted them. That made everything better and off we went.

Sunday morning we walked into the Narthex at church and J took the pb&j over to the baskets were we put our donations to the food pantry. Ivan runs after him and says "Mommy!" and begins to sign the share sign.

How cool is that? He remembered from Thursday morning that we were going to "share" the pb&j with others. It reminded me that he is always listening and learning.

Homemaking Meme

I saw this over at Arwen's and loved it...so here it is!

Aprons (Y/N): No, never. Although I probably should…that or a bib!

Baking (Favorite thing to bake): This is tough. I LOVE to bake. I can’t narrow it down really. I love to bake the old standby chocolate chip cookies, brownies (from scratch is my favorite), lemon squares, cheesecake, cupcakes, you name it and if it is baking I like it!

Clothesline (Y/N): No, although I do use two drying wracks in the bathroom.

Donuts: Love them… hot and fresh is the only way to go though.

Every Day (One homemaking thing you do every day): Make the bed and unload the dishwasher…every single day.

Freezer (Do you have a separate deep freeze?): Yes, and it is slam full

Garbage Disposal (Y/N): Sadly, no. We have a septic tank so you are not supposed to have one.

Handbook (What is your favorite homemaking resource?): Hmmm. That is a good one. I like Martha Stewart.com, Real Simple Magazine and Southern Living a lot.

Ironing (Love it or hate it?): Hate it. In fact, I dislike it so much that I now (even on a budget) send Joe’s shirts to the cleaners. Fortunately I have found a bargain cleaners.

Junk drawer (Y/N) (Where?): Who doesn’t? In the kitchen of course!

Kitchen (Design and decorating): We have a great kitchen. Tons of cabinet space (which we will never be able to find in our next house I’m afraid) We put a border up on the two end walls (peaches, pears, plums and grapes with a yellow background) and we tiled the back-splash a few years ago using white tiles with some accent tiles with fruit on them. It looks much better than it sounds.

Love (What is your favorite part of homemaking?): When my house is all clean and straight…I love it. Unfortunately, once I get behind the eight ball so to speak, I am not very good at getting back in front of it for a while anyway.

Mop (Y/N): Yes, occasionally. I would not say that I am a frequent mopper…just when the floors really need it.

Nylons: I am with the others on this one…what are they asking me? If it is whether I wear them while cleaning that would be…uhhh no.

Oven (Do you use the window or open the door to check?): Much to my husbands chagrin, I open the door constantly.

Pizza (What do you put on yours?): If it is homemade then it is no sauce, pepperoni, sausage, mushrooms, and chopped kalamata olives…yummy!

Quiet (What do you do during the day when you get a quiet moment?): These are rare with a 35 month old little boy at home, however, when he naps (which is getting more and more rare) I enjoy reading, journalizing, and surfing the net in general.

Recipe card box (Y/N): Yes. This was one of the greatest gifts that my mother has EVER given me. The Christmas before I was engaged and later married she put all of her greatest recopies on typed index cards. My mom is a kick butt cook, so this was 30+ years of cooking genius in one box. Too cool for a soon to be married lady. I also enjoy recipes from magazines and foodnetwork. I am always open to trying new recipes…it is like a mini adventure!

Style of house: We have a ranch with a two-car garage in the basement. It is a cute house with a nice sized lot, unfortunately the lot is slope

d and not too great for a growing boy to play in…hence one of the reasons we are moving.Tablecloths and napkins? Tablecloth always and paper napkins most days. When we have a formal gathering at our house and I pull out the crystal, fine china and silver, I use cloth napkins.

Under the kitchen sink (Organized or toxic wasteland?): Is an organized toxic wasteland too much of an oxymoron?

Vacuum (How many times per week?): I used to be a once a week vacuumer, now I am once every other week or so…there is no time to get this done with Ivan around

Wash (How many loads of laundry do you do in a week: I am not sure that I can count that high anymore. Pre-Ivan I would do laundry on Saturday and Sunday’s…now it is at least a load a day.

X's (Do you keep a daily list of things to do and cross them off? When I do I am so much more accomplished, but usually I am not organized enough to get one made for the day/week.

Yard (Who does what?): J and I have a deal…he takes care of the outside, and I take care of the inside.

Zzz's: It depends on how Ivan is sleeping that night. Some nights are good and some are terrible.
This was fun. If anyone fills it out on their blog let me know so that I can go and read yours too!

That's Just God...

I have found myself saying that a lot lately. There are some things in life that just can’t be explained any other way. Here are some that I have been reflecting on lately:

1) J and I meeting. We went to two different colleges. His was in the mountains and mine was two hours away in Charlotte. The only reason that I was even there the weekend we met was because my two best friends attended the same college. Furthermore, J had been offered (he says tempted) a Teaching Fellows Scholarship (AKA a full ride) to attend a different university at the eleventh hour in 1991. J put himself through college, so this was a huge deal to turn down.

2) Our adoption of Ivan. Our paperwork was in a whole different country for crying out loud! However, God knew where He wanted us to be and more importantly where our son was. My Dad has always struggled with the fact that Ivan was 15 months old when we met him. He just can't get his head around why he hadn't been adopted yet (My Dad is a little biased perhaps, however, he was and is a really cute little boy). Whenever this comes up (and it is infrequent now that we have been home for 19 months) I just look at him and say "That's just God, Daddy."

3) Ivan himself. He's the greatest blessing that we have ever received and he is loved beyond words. God placed this child in our life for a reason. I think that I know some of the reasons, but I am certain that as we move forward together as a family God will reveal even more to me.

I know that there are many other things that have been TJG moments in my life. As I continue to reflect on them I hope to revisit this journal entry and add to it.

On the contrary mom...

So we have finally hit it, the no stage. Every, and I do mean EVERY, single yes/no question that is posed to Ivan is met with a resounding NO! When it is in fact something he wants and I begin to act on the no, he quickly changes his tune and we move forward accordingly.

I know that this is only a phase and no gives him a lot more power than yes ever could. However, there are times that I would just love to hear a resolute YES, just for a change of pace.

People will say we're in love...

And they wouldn't be far off either! Ever since we decided that we should move J and I have been cleaning out the house. We have been spending our weekends painting scuffed-up walls, throwing out years worth of stuff that we now realize we never needed in the first place etc. Well, this weekend I purchased something to help me with my cleaning efforts. I have never enjoyed dusting more and my house has never been so dust free!

It's the little things that make me happy.

WOW! That was timely...

I am going to save myself some typing here and just say that Amy could have been me in this post.With a few minor exceptions, that describes my life for the past few weeks. Now that I read Moxie's answer it is all starting to make a little more sense. Ivan's spoken vocabulary has increased quite a bit lately. Ever since Christmas he has been more and more willing to use his words as opposed to his signs and gestures to communicate. Honestly, I hadn’t really thought about how huge this is for him. There have been a few times when I have heard him practicing a new word in his bed (uh-oh for instance). It’s not every time that he is awake, but it does happen from time to time.

Unfortunately, last night was a REALLY rough night in our house. J put Ivan to bed at his normal time and I thought that Ivan would conk out immediately. He was exhausted and even told Daddy that he didn’t want to read a book (one of his favorite activities). He was ready to go night night. Well, after about twenty to thirty minutes of being quiet, he started to jump around in his crib. J went in and addressed it. Then another twenty to thirty minutes passed and he was at it again. J addressed it again and all was quiet for awhile. Then we heard him cough a couple of times and it sounded odd, so I went in. He asked for a change and that was that…for a little while. He was up jumping until well after 1 AM. I finally went in there and told him to knock it off and then just turned the monitor off so that I could sleep.

He is napping now. A really hard nap too...going on 2.5 hours. I am about to go wake him up. This is not the first time that this has happened and I am starting to get a little bit concerned.

The Healing Power of Prayer...

My parents are doing better with each passing day. Thank you to anyone who lifted them up in prayer over their loss. If anyone has ever had a dog that was a true member of the family, then you know what they have been going through. Thanks again for the prayers.

Yumm-o!

I love this stuff. I discovered it while I was on a girls weekend with my friend S in January. I just finished the jar : ( and am looking forward to our next trip to Charlotte to get some more. If I can wait that long!

A Prayer Request...

I keep this journal for myself. It helps me to work through my thoughts from time to time as well as keep a record of various and sundry things. If anyone else reads it and takes something positive away from it then bonus! This entry, however, is a request to anyone who happens to read it.

My parents lost their dear Welsh Pembroke Corgi, Tallie, this weekend. She had emergency surgery Thursday when it was discovered that she had a ruptured spleen and had massive internal bleeding. The Vet believes that her spleen ruptured due to a tumor that they located inside the spleen during surgery. The results of the biopsy were to come back on Monday when they would learn if the tumor was malignant or not.

Daddy brought Tallie home on Friday afternoon and was hopeful that the worst was behind her. The Vet did notice some spots on her liver and felt that if the biopsy came back with a malignant tumor then the cancer had likely already spread. However, Mom and Dad remained hopeful that the tumor would be nothing of concern and that all would be well moving forward. Unfortunately, that was not the case. After Tallie got home and settled back in she refused to eat or drink. Dad reluctantly left her side at about midnight and Mom found her lying peacefully in my old room about 3 AM. They think that she let go just a few minutes after Daddy finally went to bed.

We are all struggling with the sudden loss of my parent's third daughter. I ask you all to keep my parents in your prayers. My Dad and Tallie went everywhere together (especially since he retired) and the transition to life without Tallie will be a difficult one indeed.

If you happen to stumble across this months after its writing, then I ask you to still pray for them. There are many things that will be "firsts" without her by their side and they will need strength to get through each and every one of them. I know that our annual beach trip will be one of the hardest times for them as Tallie always accompanied us for the week. Next Christmas will also be a tough time as well. Anyway, you get the point.

To all who are kind enough to lift them up in prayer...you have my most heartfelt thanks.

Tallie, we'll miss you girl.

Edited to add: The tumor was indeed cancerous. The cancer diagnosis would have meant that she would have only had 6 to 8 weeks to live. The Vet believes that a blood clot is likely what took Tallie's life so suddenly. In the end I am relieved that God took the decision out of my parents hands. I only wish that the pain was not quite so sharp for them. Seeing my Dad cry is just gut wrenching.

Strange Day...

Today is a weird day. My parents lost their third daughter Tallie very unexpectedly early this morning and Ivan had his first poop and pee pee in the potty today.

The time has come...

Well after eight and a half years of living in our home, the time has come for us to move. I am on here constantly looking to see what is out there in our area and in our price range. It's going to be tough to leave our cute little bungalow, but the time has come at last for us to move up a little.

Thinking about it more and more...

We were so blessed to have lunch with Curtis, John and Leo over Christmas. Curtis and John traveled with us to Ust where they adopted their son, Leo. They were in town visiting Curtis' parents and John's brother and so we got together for lunch on the 27th. It was wonderful seeing all of them again. My how Leo (now 2.5) has changed since our last visit with them in October 2005! Our visit was too brief, of course. Curtis and I were chatting about number two when she revealed that they are indeed starting the process again! We discussed the whole thing at length and ever since that day I have been praying specifically for Leo's brother or sister who currently lives in Ust.

I have to be honest...the prayers for Leo's sibling-to-be have got my heart thinking about going back again.

Where's my annual review?

There has been a question plaguing me recently. Am I doing a good job at being a parent? When your child is only two and half it can be hard to tell how you are doing at this mission called parenting. I mean if he were twenty-five I might have a clue about how I did, but then again maybe not.

My parents have a saying "You do the best you can for your kids, but in the end you can neither take too much of the credit or the blame for who they turn out to be." I'm sure that when Ivan is all grown-up and out of the house I will also be able to subscribe to this philosophy...but not right now. Now I am responsible for teaching this little wonder what is right and what is wrong, what is nice and what is thoughtless, what is good and what is evil. There are so many lessons that J and I are responsible for teaching Ivan, I can't be so laid back about it!

When I was working outside of the home there were assessments of my job performance periodically. However in parenthood there are no such assessments given. We are given the task of raising these little people into thoughtful, productive adults and no one ever lets us know how we are doing. That seems crazy to me!

I am not looking for kudos or anything like that...just a little honest feedback about what I am doing right, what I need to improve upon, what I need to keep my eye on for the future.

Ivan is a happy kid. He is growing like crazy and he is smart as a whip. He notices everything - to the point where I wonder if we will ever be able to surprise him with anything! He sings, dances and laughs every day. He loves to make us laugh and he smiles all the time.

Hmmm...Reading that makes me feel like J and I are doing something right here. I know that as Ivan grows, the "markers" of success will change and I will just have to continue to look for them and to have faith that God will show them to me. I must have faith that God is leading me and my parenting and that Ivan will be Ivan, whoever that may turn out to be.

Tomorrow and Tomorrow and Tomorrow...

Tomorrow we have our first Kindermusik class. I signed Ivan and I up for the class back in August with an anticipated September start date. Unfortunately, due to construction delays our start date has been postponed several times.

Ivan and I participated in two Gymboree classes last year and really enjoyed them. However, Ivan really loves music, so we thought that we would give this new curriculum a try.

As always, I am a little apprehensive about meeting new people and starting the class. Ivan and I are both really shy until we get warmed up to a new group. Since I know that Ivan will be shy, I will have to come out of my shell quickly to ensure that we meet knew people and get all that we can out of our class time.

I know that we will enjoy our class. Once we get into it everything will be fine. Until then though...ugh.

What a man, what a man, what a mighty good man...

J is an awesome Daddy. Some of my favorite moments are spent watching J and Ivan interact. They love to play tickle games, jump out and get you games and so much more. They both light me up inside and I love them so much.

J is teaching Ivan how to be a good man. He sets a wonderful example of how to be in charge, while remaining lovable, soft and reachable. J is firm when necessary and tender when that is what is called for too.

He is also great at balancing his work and home life. Not an easy task in today's work, work, work world. However, J is home in time to kiss Ivan goodnight every night and we eat dinner together at least 6 days a week.

He is the man I want my son to grow up to be some day.

J, I love and respect you more than words can express.

The one thing I forgot to ask...

The day that we left the orphanage for the last time J and I said many, many thank you's to the wonderful caregivers that had loved and cared for Ivan while he waited for us to arrive. However, as I read the recap of another couple's last day at the orphanage I realize that there is one thing that I totally forgot to ask them...

"What do you want me to tell Ivan about you?"

In all of the days that we visited with them and told them how much we appreciated them and all that they had done for our son, we never thought to ask them how they would want to be remembered.

Memories Stored...

I have been following the blog of a couple that has recently adopted from Ivan's orphanage in Ust-Kamenogorsk. Sunday was finally their "Gotcha Day". They adopted through a different agency than we did and it is over a year later...a lot has changed in Kazakh adoptions as well in our region. They met their precious gift in July and had to leave her at the orphanage for 49 agonizing days while they waited for everything to go through the proper channels. As I read their account of that final morning at the orphanage I was flooded with memories and emotions not to mention tears. That was one of the biggest days of my life...I finally and forever crossed into the world of Motherhood.

It was such a bittersweet day for everyone involved. Seeing Ivan's caregiver's cry at the sight of him getting dressed in the outfit that we had brought for his last day in Ust caught me totally off guard. Their tears were genuine and total. Not one of them kept a dry eye that morning. They were so sad to see their little Tollie (their nickname for him)leaving and yet so obviously thrilled to see him find his Mama and Papa. Their love for him was so deep and heartfelt. Each one of them was an answer to prayers.

I'll never forget that day as long as I live. It was one of the most wonderful days of my life, full of more emotion than I can ever express. It is truly one of those times where "you had to be there" because words are not enough.

Ivan and I pray for God's angels every night and thank Him for placing them in Ivan's orphanage and more specifically in his room.

Helena, Olisa, and Svetta thank you from the bottom of my heart for loving my little boy like only a Mama can.

**Ivan is the little bundle on the left...the other bundle is his buddy Ben**

Ten Years Ago Today....

It was ten years ago today that J and I were married. Where has the time gone? It's been one wonderful, love filled ride and I can't wait to see what the next ten years bring our way.

Thank you Lord for giving me this man to build my life with...he is nothing short of perfect for me.

Sisterly Love...

One afternoon last week at the beach my sister and I spent some much needed time away from the kids et al. We sat on the beach and went swimming while the kids napped inside the house. That hour and a half was the most relaxing time of the whole trip for me. We sat on the beach chatting and exchanged thoughts on life as it is today. Then we took a nice, long, leisurely swim in the ocean. The only reason that we got out was we heard thunder rumbling in the distance. So we had to head back inside and return to "the real world" once again. I really loved the time that I got to spend with my sister at the beach last week.


This past Monday morning the unexplained rash that appeared on my thighs and the backs of my arms while we were at the beach became unbearable. I wanted to scratch myself raw I was itching so much. So I called the Dr's office to see when they could fit me in and then I called my sister. She was more than happy to look after Ivan for me while I went into the office. Once I returned to her house, her oldest child needed to go to the Dr to have her ankle looked at by her Dr. My sister's youngest was still napping upstairs so Ivan and I just made ourselves at home downstairs and had lunch while she took my niece to the Dr. It's days like these two that make me so happy that I have my sister in my life.

It also makes me want to give Ivan a sibling...