I SO excited about the beach!

This has been Ivan's refrain for the past 5 days and tomorrow we finally leave for the beach. Ivan is looking forward to spending time with two of his favorite cousins, his favorite aunt and uncle, and of course with Nana and Papa Wayne. He is also thrilled about the beach house that my parents have rented for all of us for the week. Of course he is looking forward to playing in the sand and surf and everything else that accompanies a family vacation at the beach.

For me however, there is all of that and so much more this year. My Dad will be with us. There was a time, not too many months ago, when I was not sure that would be possible ever again. In fact, when my Dad was unconscious my sister and I would sit with him and hold his hands. We would tell him to "keep fighting Daddy" and to think about the beach this summer and to think about the kids piling sand on his feet and calling them frog houses or crab condos. It was one of the things that we would remind him of almost every day. I know that Daddy survived his pancreatitis because of God's grace and his strong will to live, but I also know that part of that will to live comes from the desire to see his grand kid's grow-up. He doesn't remember anything about his time while he was unconscious or much from when he first regained consciousness. However, I do believe that this week will be very rewarding for my sister and me as we watch our children do exactly what we told Papa Wayne they would do with the sand and his feet. I know that I will be emotional this week at the beach just thinking about how we almost lost Dad this year - and never saw it coming. I don't mind though, because I So excited about the beach too.

Bless Her Heart...

I really mean that too. My best friend gave birth to a healthy baby girl at 12:01 this morning. It was a very difficult labor. After pushing for over three hours she had to have a c-section. The baby turned out to be 9 pounds 3 ounces (the Dr's had all predicted a 7 pound baby - oops). This combination of events was S's worst nightmare come true. Throughout her pregnancy that was the one thing that she feared and dreaded the most. In the end the c-section was a blessing as they discovered some cysts on her ovaries. Had it not been for the c-section then the cysts would have gone undetected and "unremoved"; who knows what would have happened. I praise the Lord for this turn of events because it very well may have saved her life.

Mom and baby are OK now, tired and trying to get used to one another. When I spoke to S at 4:23 this morning I heard a voice filled with pure love and joy for the one she was holding while on the phone with me. It was awesome.

What if...

Daddy came home six weeks ago or so, praise The Lord, and his total recovery (including kidney function!!) has been a true miracle to behold. However, I am still dealing with the fact that we almost (and statistically speaking should have) lost him. I am so thankful that we did not of course, but I still find myself thinking about what this or that would be like if he had not come home. It's eerie really and I would like to move on, but it has been harder than I thought it would. I wonder sometimes if I have these thoughts to keep me thankful that he is here and to help me to appreciate the "extra time" that I feel we have all been given with him. I don't know why I do it, but I do several times a week. Perhaps time will heal this as it does many things, or it may be my way of keeping me focused on appreciating my Dad even more than I did before he got sick. God will use these thoughts to His purpose if I will only allow Him to.

Sometimes. Maybe. Yes?

I don't know what is going on with me lately. J asked me while my Dad was still in the hospital if I was interested in adopting again. At the time I said no, I am quite satisfied with our little family just the way it is. I did qualify that statement with the fact that I was so emotionally spent from Daddy's illness that I couldn't be certain that I was being totally honest. Well, now I can say that perhaps that answer wasn't completely honest.

I find myself wanting another child from time to time. However, there are so many obstacles to us adopting again I get tired just thinking about them all. I know that without a doubt it would all be worth it in the end. There is just so much more to consider this time. Here are a list of some of the issues that make adopting again more difficult and challenging for us:

*First and foremost is that we would turn Ivan's life upside down if we were to bring home a little brother or sister. He is quite happy as an only child and I quite enjoy being able to lavish my love and attention on him without compromise

*Another thing that bothers me is that I am not sure that Sherman could handle us adopting again. He has aged more than I care to admit over the past year (he is 12.5 now) and I fear that having to "break in" another child would just be too much for him

*I like the way our family fits together. The three of us work well together as a family and we all kind of know what to expect

*Gathering all of the paperwork takes a lot of time and concentration, but I have Ivan at home with me and that makes it even more challenging

*I really don't want to list this one for fear of it being mis-understood but it is a big factor. The cost of international adoption is great. If we were to go back then we would use all of our safety-net plus some. We would likely have to use money that is not ours (ie. home equity loan) and then we would have no fall back money. I'm at home full time and so we are making it all work on one income and it is tight already. The money part scares me...I must admit.

*The travel time has increased since we adopted three years ago. It is now either two trips that equal something like 6 weeks or one long trip that could be as many as 9 weeks. No matter how you slice it, that is a lot of time!

*********************************************************************************

J and I have been talking more openly about a second child since I started writing this post in June. We have also been praying about it a lot more asking God to quiet our desires so that we can truly hear His will about what we are to do. I've backed off reading other adoption blogs and tried to go about daily life with a quiet heart. It's worked to some extent as I no longer feel feverish about the whole thing. I'll keep praying about it all and when a clear answer has been given (it may take years) I'll let you know!

Happy Family Anniversary Day 2008

Three glorious years ago today the judge in Ust-Kamenogorsk banged his gavel down and finalized God's plan here on earth for our little family. Happy three year anniversary family. I love you all more than words could ever express.

VBS - a whole lot of learning goin' on!

Ivan and his 3 year-old cousin, Caroline, attended a fantastic Vacation Bible School this week at our church. It was called God's Big Backyard and it focused on teaching the children how they could influence the world around them through their Christian love and generosity. They made care kits for children in the hospital, as well as hygiene kits for the homeless. They also collected canned goods for a local rescue mission.

Ivan really enjoyed his week and seemed to love singing the songs from the take home cd. He listens so well and seems to take so much of it in. I love seeing my child love God and his friends in such a loving and gentle manor.

Home Coming...at Last!

My Dad has not set foot in his own home since February 18 of this year. Something like 116 days. However, tomorrow he will finally and joyfully be coming home. God is so good and has healed Daddy more fully and more quickly than I ever could have asked for. God is GREAT!!

God is love and grace and compassion and MY savior! Thank you Lord for the love, grace and compassion that you have shared with me and my family throughout this entire ordeal.

More soon, but now I am tired. It's been one hell of a ride to get to this point.

Praise God that we are at this point!

An eye opening experience...

My family has always been blessed with good health, until Daddy's bout with pancreatitis. The whole ordeal of having a loved one so sick for so long is a totally new road for my family and it has proven to be eye opening in some ways.

My Mom is a very independent woman. She has had trouble allowing people to help her throughout this whole ordeal. She has shouldered far more on her own than I would like for her to have, but she won't share some of the duties with others and she never complains. My Mom is a rock...no news there, I've always known that. Usually, I would describe my Mom as an optimistic soul. She usually sees the bright side and doesn't go down pessimistic roads unless she has to. After about the second full week of Dad's illness though she has been less and less able to be her usual optimistic self. When the nurses and Dr's were trying to prepare her that Dad might not make it she lost some of her ability to "look on the bright side". Who could blame her. Here was her husband, best friend and buddy fighting the fight of his life and possibly not winning in the end. After Dad rallied a bit from that lowest time, Mom has had a very difficult time trusting that there would be a good outcome in the end. In fact, sometimes when she would start to hope again, something else would come along and knock her down. I only hope once this is all over (and I really hope to be able to say that soon) Mom will be able to trust that Dad is back with her. There will be changes, possibly dialysis for the rest of his life, certainly some lifestyle changes as far as how he eats, and their future will be effected. They had planned to have Mom retire in October and then the travelling would begin. Now, all of that is in question. Will Dad's health ever return to a level that they will feel comfortable travelling? Lord, I hope so as they have waited for this for so long.

My sister on the other hand has proven to be an eternal optimist. Always keeping her eye on when Dad would get better and not if he got better. C has only lost her hopeful spirit once during a very low weekend when the Dr's and nurses were hammering at us that they did not feel good about Dad's outcome. I honestly never knew my sister was such an optimist. She alone has believed with almost unwavering certainly that Dad would come back to us in the end. I really admire that about her, but know that it is not my way.

I have reaffirmed the knowledge that I had about myself throughout this whole thing. I go to the worst place first and work back from there. As long as I know he will come back to us, I can handle it. So the times that we were not sure that he would come back to us were utterly devastating for me. Had I not had the Lord and my wonderful husband to lean on, I don't think that I could have come out to see the light for a long, long time. That would have been a shame because I have such a bright light shinning here in my son.

My Mom and Ivan and his two cousins are also the light that has helped my Dad to fight and stay with us throughout this whole ordeal. Once he is back on his feet, I know that the one thing that he will insist does not change is his time with the grandkids. I can't wait to get back there.

There is one person who has sustained me throughout this whole ordeal; and while that support was not exactly eye opening, it has been one of the things that has kept me going. The love and total support that J has given to me throughout this time is unparallelled in my life. He has been there for me in every way imaginable. He has picked me up when I was on the floor with grief and worry, he has taken care of everything that I just couldn't handle including Ivan, cooking, cleaning and many other things. He has been my life support system throughout this time of trial and I don't know what I would have done without him. Every time that I dash out the door to the hospital he kisses me and says stay as long as you need or want to, we'll be fine. It is that complete and total freedom that has allowed me to be with my Dad as much as I felt I needed to be. J's motto throughout this whole time has been "this isn't forever, do what you need to do". I am so blessed to have such a wonderful man by my side for life. Thank you Lord for bringing him my way 14 years ago.

Prayer Request...Update (4/13/08)

My Dad is sick. He has been in the ICU since Monday February 18, 2008. He is suffering from an acute attack of pancreatitis caused possibly by gallstones. It took until Friday (Feb 22) for us all to really understand how serious this is for Daddy. He was awake until Thursday and then they sedated him to help him not be so uncomfortable. He awoke a few times on Sunday while I was there and he squeezed my hand really tight while I looked him in the eye and told him how much I love him. I am anxiously awaiting the next time we can really communicate.

There are many things that could go wrong at this point and no one is sure what the outcome will be for Daddy. There is nothing that we can do for him at this point other than pray and that is what we are all doing. We have faith in the Lord and in the Dr.'s and nurses that God has placed in the ICU where Daddy is now.

Should you feel led to pray for my Daddy then I ask you to please pray for complete healing and restoration of my Dad's body.

From the bottom of my heart...thank you.

Charlotte

Update: My Dad is still in ICU and still very sick. We are seeing some slight signs of improvement, but nothing to indicate that we are in the clear at this time. With every positive there seem to be two negatives. The Dr's took some fluid from around his pancreas today and will be watching a culture for infection over the next 48 hours. We are praying that the culture will stay negative. The Dr's are not very confident that he can survive the surgery/recovery at this point. So again I ask for your prayers for a negative culture and that he continues to make some (however slight) forward progress. I want my Daddy (Ivan's Papa Wayne) back with us!


Update 2: The Dr.'s have decided, at this time, not to pull the fluid from around Dad's pancreas. They feel that the procedure itself could be dangerous for him. Also, there are no signs of infection at this time (thank you Lord) as his white blood cell count is within normal ranges and he does not have a fever. Now we would all like to see Daddy's kidney's and lungs start to work a little better on their own.

Update 3 (3/6/08): Last night my Mom called and told me that the Dr's at the hospital have decided to move my Dad to another hospital in our area (about 25 miles west). This hospital is supposed to have a team that is more experienced with severe cases of pancreatitis. We are still praying that surgery will not be necessary and that Daddy can pull through this and come back to us. My Mom is struggling and misses her husband tremendously. They have been married for 43 years as of last week.

Update 4 (3/10/08): Wow, it has been three weeks since Daddy went to the hospital for severe abdominal pain. Since then we (my Mom, sister and myself) have learned a lot about the human body and the digestive system in particular. They did another ct scan of Daddy's pancreas last night and said that it "looks like a bomb went off in there". Meaning that it is no wonder he is still so swollen inside. Also, praise the Lord there was no sign of infection in his pancreas at this time, so no one is talking about needing surgery right now. Dad has not been responding to us lately and we were beginning to fear that he may have had a stroke. However, the Dr's ran a brain ct scan last night as well and saw that his brain activity was normal. One Dr. told Mom this morning during her visit that when you are older (Daddy is 67) it can take longer to come out from the meds than a younger person and he has been "down" on the meds for a fairly long while now. So we are thanking the Lord that there were no signs of diminished brain activity and we hope to see Daddy coming out more as they lower the medication.

Update 5 (3/12/08): Yesterday afternoon my sister and I went over to visit with Dad. He is still not responding as well as the nurses and Dr's would like to simple commands (squeeze my hand etc). However, C and I received several spontaneous squeezes and a few (weak) smiles as we talked to him. He is clearly uncomfortable and that is tough to see. He moves around all the time and just can't seem to get settled. Today the Dr's are going to add a drain to the long list of things they are doing to help him get better. They will be placing a line in his abdomen (close to the pancreas) and it will hopefully help to reduce the amount of fluid that is in his abdomen. The other concern is that his white blood cells are climbing (slightly). They ordered cultures on everything again yesterday to see if there is any infection present...we are praying that they all come back negative and that he does not have any infections.

My mom just emailed her latest update with some great news: "The best news today is that he is off the ventilator for several hours (they are putting a lot of oxygen past his breathing tube) and he seems to be tolerating it well. The goal would be to wean him off the ventilator entirely if he can handle it." So thank you Lord for some positive news today!!

Update 6 (3/16/08): What a difference a week can make when the Lord is in charge! Daddy is off of the ventilator entirely now...they even removed it from his room. He is responding to yes/no questions with a shake or a nod of his head and he clearly is "with" us mentally. He is tired and the pain med that he is on exaggerates the effect. We are all so thrilled to see him with us again I just can't express how happy that makes all of us. We all know that we still have a long way to go until Dad comes home, but we are thinking more along the lines of when and not if...thanks to God. We are still praying that no infection enters his body and his pancreas in particular, but for now we are feeling very encouraged and grateful.

Update 7 (3/18/08): It was on February 18 that this whole ordeal started for my Dad and today March 18 (Ivan's 4th birthday) we received the news that, when a bed is available, Dad can leave the ICU!! Praise the Lord for this wonderful (big) step in the right direction. Daddy will be sent to what the Dr's and nurses refer to as a "step-down unit". It is not as "intense" as the ICU but not as "free" as the regular floors. Dad's pancreas is currently producing some insulin and they have taken him off of the insulin drip as of this morning. He is suffering from a slight case of pneumonia, but the Dr's have assured us that this is normal when coming off of the ventilator. May the good news keep on coming!

Update 8 (3/26/08): What a week it has been! Dad is now in the step down unit. He has been receiving limited Physical Therapy (PT) and they have had him sitting on the edge of the bed and even sitting in a recliner!! These steps are huge considering where we were a few weeks ago. He still has the breathing tube in, but they are planning to start to downsize the tube this week and if all goes well, it may be removed next week. We still have miles to go and some Dr's have even said that it may take up to a year for Dad to return to his pre-illness strength and stamina levels. We, however, are just praising God for keeping Daddy with us and slowly but surely restoring his health. God is so good!!

Update 9 (3/31/08): Daddy continues to improve every day. He now has a valve on the breathing tube that allows him to talk and he has been allowed to drink water on his own this weekend, which he is enjoying very much. They are doing a swallowing evaluation today, and we hope he will be allowed to go on whatever diet they think is appropriate. He is off all antibiotics at the moment, and our hope is that the trach tube can come out as long as the pneumonia is gone. He is still in the step-down unit, but they have talked of putting him in a regular room any day now. He has been sitting in a chair several times, and has taken a few steps with a lot of support. PT should be there today to start his more vigorous rehab. We are all continuing to stand amazed at God's grace in the healing of my Dad. I feel like there is a light at the end of this very long and dark tunnel.

Update 10 (4/01/08): Happy Birthday Dad and welcome to your new room! He was moved to a regular room today...what a great present! The Dr's are encouraged to see that Daddy can eat on his own (he needs a little help with cutting but that is all). He is back on real food and so far so good. There was a time that I was not certain we would be able to celebrate Dad's birthday this year. Thank you Lord for bringing him back to us!

Update 11 (4/10/08): Last night we had a bit of a scare. Daddy's Blood Pressure (BP) dropped dangerously low...like 60/30. Really, scary, low. Praise the Lord that all seems better today. The Dr's think that it may be due to dehydration as Daddy is really struggling with eating and drinking enough at this point. He can eat, but he is not at all interested in food or drink and it has become a bit of a battle between him and the rest of us. Dad was moved back to ICU in order to keep a closer (read constant) watch on his BP and heart rate. As of this morning they were fine and we are all please to see him perking up a bit. Lord, please continue to sustain him and give him more strength with each passing day.

Update 12 (4/13/08): My Dad's low BP has most likely resulted from an infection somewhere. We are still waiting to hear where and for his BP to remain above 90 without meds. I am frightened right now, and need the Lord's help to stop all of this worrying that I am doing. Lord, please help his body to restore itself and soon.

Thanks again for taking the time to pray for a stranger who desperately needs all he can get.

My favorite time of the day...

is 7 AM or thereabout. That is the time of day when Ivan comes and climbs in bed with me and we snuggle for a few minutes before we get up and get on with our day. J leaves for work at about 6:15 in the morning - way before I am ready to get up unless I have to. Ivan usually wakes up about 7 and runs into our room and climbs in bed with me. When it is cold he pretends to "steal" my heat by tickling me and I in-turn "steal" it back by tickling him. It's those precious fifteen minutes that make my day.

2 out of 2 "experts" agree: This was the BEST Christmas EVER!!

It was. There is no doubt about it. This was the first Christmas, since I became an adult, that I have been blessed enough to view through a child's eyes...my child's eyes! Ivan was full of wonder and joy the entire advent season, but his excitement Christmas Eve when we told him that the Baby Jesus was coming to his manger scene was just about the most touching thing that I have ever witnessed. The day that his manger scene was brought out Ivan was full of delight. He played with it almost non-stop. He really loves it. However, this year J and I decided that the Baby Jesus would not arrive until Christmas Eve night. On our way home from Nana and Papa Wayne's house J and I mentioned that someone special was waiting for him at home. He first guessed Sherman and then when we narrowed it down a bit for him. He then guessed the Baby Jesus. After he saw the baby Jesus in his manger scene he began to ask us when would the real Jesus come. What a tough question from a three-year-old! Every time we would light the white candle on the advent wreath at dinner, he would ask again about the real Jesus.

Then on Christmas morning Ivan was just a total delight to behold. He savored each present from the large to the small. He was truly excited about each one, but most of all his present to us.

It all started on Dec 11, the day of Ivan's Christmas Party at his preschool. I walked into the party and Ivan ran over to me. He immediately told me that he had something for me and Daddy. I was a little surprised and asked what it was. He ran to his book bag and grabbed the wrapped gift and card and handed them to me. I asked if this was for Christmas and he told me that it was. I thanked him but asked if Daddy and I could wait until Christmas morning to open it. He agreed and put it back into his book bag.

As soon as we got home that afternoon he placed his gift to us under the tree (sadly it sat there alone until the 23rd!!). Almost every day from that point on the following scenario would happen at least once a day until finally on Christmas morning, Ivan was able to give us his gift to us.

Ivan: When it be Christmas day Jesus' birthday?

Mom or Dad: XX number of days, honey.

Ivan would scurry into the living room and grab his present for us and return to where ever we were in the house.

Ivan: You open this Christmas mornin' time Jesus' birthday!!

Well, when the day finally arrived, J and I saved Ivan's gift to us for the end. I am so glad that we did because nothing and I mean nothing could have topped it!! He had made a reindeer out of his hand and foot prints. His hands were the antlers and his foot made up the head. They had pasted some googly eyes on there as well. It was and is adorable. I really didn't want to take it down Monday, but I did and it will no doubt bring new tears to my eyes next year.

He is so precious. I have been blessed beyond measure with him in my life.

Ivan's Baptism

Today Ivan was Baptized at our church. J and I officially joined on November 4, but we did not want to have Ivan baptized the day we joined because we wanted it to be special, and it was. He was so good, nervous, but good. Pastor Ben used more water than he intended too and J and Ivan got soaked...poor things. Ivan was too anxious to stand up at the baptismal font, and he refused to let Ben hold him, so Dad held him during the entire ceremony. Ben told us later that he realized a little too late how much water he had in his hands...splash.



J and I come from very different denominations and we were not sure what we wanted to do about Ivan's Baptism. However, once we found St. Mark's and decided to join, we knew that we wanted to have him baptised there. As with all things that God ordains, the time was right.

Best Friends BEST NEWS!!

Woo Hoo! My best friend S told me today that she is pregnant. I am so thrilled for her and her husband, C, I can hardly contain myself. She took her first hpt on Monday and another Tuesday night. She won't have her first appointment until January 10th when she will be roughly 9 weeks along. That is a long wait. For now, I am just praying that all goes well and that come August I get to meet this little miracle. God is SO good!!

**Edited to add: Today S had her first doctors appointment and all is well. Her due date is August 16, 2008. Yippee!!!!

Out of the mouth of (my) babe...

Ivan's speech has improved a hundred fold over the past year. This mostly has to do with the wonderful speech therapists that he has worked with during that time as well as the fact that I talk his ear off.

I wanted to compile an ongoing list of some of his cute little sayings before they change or are lost to my memory. I know that I have already lost a great deal of them but here is a start in no particular order:

Da!
Who dat?
What doin'?
mater woop
pizza pie (pizza pie dip)
ketchup dip
Why?
Me like that.
Ha Ha (Ivan's name for Sherman)
Werman
Wermy
Caroline's Mom (this is what Ivan calls his aunt C)
The Best of Diesel (Mavis, Diesiel 10, Duck etc.)
Where puppy? (referring to his luvy blanket that looks like a little dog - he loves that blanket)
Tall poopy hurt my bottom (J's all time favorite)
Me have hard time (falling asleep)
That one of me favorites
I do it!
Where is?
Quiet, please.
I need privacy!
I have playdate with all those guys (meaning all of his cousins)
Let's go wooper fast!
Danul (refering to the neighbors cat - Daniel)
Praise God for what we need to...make people, our welcome food, our backyard, to love our neighbors as ourselves

Who could say no to a request like that?

Ivan is presently in his room for his daily quiet time. I was just coming up the stairs from throwing in some laundry in the washing machine; I was planning to come in here and write a post about something altogether different. However, as I passed by Ivan's doorway he came running over and said with a huge smile on his face "I need hug! I need hug!" Who could resist that? I gave him a great big hug and told him that I love him and he smiled and ran back to play some more and said "Me love you too Mommy!"

Life is bliss.

Thank you Lord for my precious gift.

My Oasis...

Ivan attends preschool on Tuesday and Thursday mornings. Some days when he is at preschool I have some much loved quiet time. My favorite thing to do during those precious moments is to sit at my kitchen table and look out the window into the backyard. There is a wonderful bird feeder there that was left by the previous owner. Watching the birds and just admiring God's creation has become one of the most treasured gifts of our new home. I love it here and I am so grateful that God led us to this particular home.

A morning in the park...

Today Ivan and I went to the park after his speech therapy session. It was a clear fall day with a hint of warmth in the air. Ivan walked around the brick edge holding my hand. Then he played with the stationary "digger" in the sand. Next he rode on all of the little bobbing animals, finally riding the seal with his feet thrown over the back so that his little legs formed a V and his body was pressed against the seat. There were many "LOOK Mommy!"(s) and I obliged every time exclaiming about how cool whatever he was doing was. Finally, Ivan made his way over to the swings (his favorite activity at the park). He climbed in and I started to push him. We swung in silence for a few minutes and then we started to sing our ABC's and count to 10. As I stood there singing with my beautiful boy, it hit me like a ton of bricks. It's moments like this that make being a stay at home mom one of the most wonderful blessings that God has graced me with.

Home at Last...

Today my Grandmother went home. My "Mama Ruth", as we affectionately called her, has finally gone to the place where she will be made whole again...heaven. Mama Ruth was diagnosed with Alzheimer's almost 15 years ago and it has been a long and sad decline for her especially over the past ten years.

Mama Ruth was a lifelong disciple of Jesus Christ and I have no doubts or concerns about who's feet she is now sitting at. She attended church every Sunday, gave to the church willingly and cheerfully, served on many committees and shared her faith openly by the way she lived her life. She was a great example of the type of disciple I want to be for my Lord.

I've never known a more gentle and loving soul and I doubt that I ever will again. She was the type of woman who apologized for saying "fiddle", knew every grandchild's favorite food and made certain that it was present at Christmas and Easter dinners. She always (and I mean always) put everyone before herself.

Edited to add: I miss her especially now as we approach the Holiday Season. One of her grandchildren described her as having the "gift of hospitality" and she did. Since her passing I have been trying very hard to embrace that gift, which is one I certainly lack. I worry about all of the wrong things when it comes to entertaining in my home. J and I are hosting Thanksgiving here this year and I hope that in doing so we can honor her life and gift.

Why won't he sleep?

I have been through this several times now with Ivan, so why is it still so upsetting?

Ivan is still napping for an hour to an hour and half every day. I put him in his bed and tell him that he does not have to go to sleep, but that he needs to have some quiet time. He goes to sleep almost every day. At bedtime however, he stays awake until J and I go to bed and sometimes long after. Like last night for instance...he was wide awake at midnight. I finally went in there and yelled at him that he needed to be quiet and go to sleep. Not the way I really want to end our day. Then this morning he did not want to get up and it took me 10 minutes or more to get him out of bed. He had preschool this morning so it was imperative that he get up and get going in a timely manner.

He napped again this afternoon and I am planning on putting him to bed early because he is a basket-case from being so tired. I am at my wits end about this and I just don't know what to do to get him to sleep.

I will admit that there is a part of me that thinks getting rid of nap time is the answer but then there is a part of me that needs for him to nap, so that I get a midday break. Perhaps the answer is to give him a real quiet time and not do it in his bed. I'm just not quite sure how to make that happen. This parenting thing is tough and I just hope that I am on the right track.

Another Milestone...

Today marks the first day of Ivan's academic career...may it be long and successful.

Ivan started Preschool today. J and I chose this particular school because of it's Christian focus and just the "feeling" that I had in my heart when we visited last February during sign-ups. It was between this school and another Christian Preschool here in the area. My sister sent my niece there for three years. Frankly, that is where I always thought that Ivan would go too. I liked what I saw when I visited both schools and I prayed very hard about what was the right school for Ivan before calling both schools and giving them the verdict. In the end I know that we made the right choice for Ivan.

This morning I took Ivan into his classroom and we located the special hook for his backpack. Then his teacher, Ms. Kris, came over and led him to a little table and got him interested in coloring his "self-portrait". I slipped out and only peeked through the glass pane in the door for a moment before heading out to my car alone. As soon as he was out my sight my eyes welled with tears and I had visions of me spending the next two plus hours in tears. Then I pulled it together and realized that this is one of those "this is what it is all about moments". You want your child to be comfortable and happy in a new setting and able to leave your side. Ultimately that is what parenting is all about, right? Raising these little souls to leave you and go out and flourish. So, I pulled it together and pulled out of the parking lot no longer sad that my little one has grown-up so much in such a short time, but thrilled that he is doing it so well.

I picked him up a few short hours later in the carpool line. As his assistant teacher, Ms. Kym buckled him in she said that Ivan had a fabulous day and that he was a real joy in class. What more could a nervous mom want to hear?

On the drive home Ivan and I discussed his day at preschool. The teachers provide a calendar of events for each day so that we parents will know what happened at school that day. We talked about the self portrait that he colored...apparently sans hair because he had no idea what color hair he had given himself. We discussed his snack (cheese cubes, pretzels and apple juice) and he told me about sliding down the slide and climbing up the ladder on the playground. He told me that they had music/chapel as well. All in all it sounded like a jam packed morning of fun and learning.

He is my precious gift from God and I am so grateful that he is mine.