While we were in the process of adopting Ivan (before we traveled and while we were in Kazakhstan) I felt very attached to the little boy that would eventually become my son. I had a very deep and emotional tie to him before I even laid eyes on him in July. The first time I held him, I knew that I would love him forever. The whole time that we were visiting Ivan in the orphanage, my love and adoration for him continued to deepen. The bond I felt for him strengthened with every visit.
When we reached Almaty for the final phase of our adoption trip, I was feeling responsible for this little person and his physical well being. I loved it. I believe that those 10 days were suspended in time for all three of us. J and I were learning how to become parents, and Ivan was learning how to be the member of a family, not a group. When we got off of the plane here at home and were greeted by our loving families, I thought that my love for Ivan could run no deeper and that while time would strengthen the feelings I already had, they would not change.
Now that we have been home for over two months, I can see how shallow my feelings were and how naive I was to think that my feelings were done evolving for Ivan. I see now that the feelings I had before and during travel were more like the "honeymoon" phase in a romantic relationship. Everything is wonderful, the annoyances are minimal and easily forgotten. Then reality sets in and your patience evaporates for those minor annoyances and sometimes they become hurdles that you and your mate are unable or unwilling to overcome.
When we arrived home and the "Honeymoon" was over, I was a little shocked at some of my feelings. I thought that I was totally in love with this child, and suddenly he was driving me crazy! I was so confused by my feelings and even more disappointed in myself for not being happy with him all the time.
I fell into the trap that many people do who have longed and waited for a child for so long. I felt guilty if every moment wasn't pure bliss. I could tell that I loved Ivan, but something felt strange inside. This wasn't the idyllic situation that I had envisioned. Suddenly, I found that I needed to revamp my vision of parenthood and Stay at Home Motherhood in particular.
I think now, with some time under my belt and a little more confidence in myself as a Mom, I have a more realistic view of motherhood. I'm feeling much better and I am not quite so hard on myself when we have a rough day. He's 18 months old...rough days are a part of the territory.
Each night when I go into his room to pull his blanket back over him before J and I go to bed for the night, I stare at him for a few moments. During those moments I realize how much my love has deepened throughout that day.
I no longer feel like a caregiver, nor do I feel that is how Ivan views me. I am the Mom and he is the son, and we love each other more than words could ever express.
2 comments:
such an accurate and truthful portrayal of motherhood.
Excellent.
Just found you (via your comment on Mare's last post). I loved catching up on your story with Ivan. It sounds like things are going well - going normally with the trials and tribulations you would expect from parenting a child his age. Congratulations and thanks for the story.
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