2 out of 2 "experts" agree: This was the BEST Christmas EVER!!

It was. There is no doubt about it. This was the first Christmas, since I became an adult, that I have been blessed enough to view through a child's eyes...my child's eyes! Ivan was full of wonder and joy the entire advent season, but his excitement Christmas Eve when we told him that the Baby Jesus was coming to his manger scene was just about the most touching thing that I have ever witnessed. The day that his manger scene was brought out Ivan was full of delight. He played with it almost non-stop. He really loves it. However, this year J and I decided that the Baby Jesus would not arrive until Christmas Eve night. On our way home from Nana and Papa Wayne's house J and I mentioned that someone special was waiting for him at home. He first guessed Sherman and then when we narrowed it down a bit for him. He then guessed the Baby Jesus. After he saw the baby Jesus in his manger scene he began to ask us when would the real Jesus come. What a tough question from a three-year-old! Every time we would light the white candle on the advent wreath at dinner, he would ask again about the real Jesus.

Then on Christmas morning Ivan was just a total delight to behold. He savored each present from the large to the small. He was truly excited about each one, but most of all his present to us.

It all started on Dec 11, the day of Ivan's Christmas Party at his preschool. I walked into the party and Ivan ran over to me. He immediately told me that he had something for me and Daddy. I was a little surprised and asked what it was. He ran to his book bag and grabbed the wrapped gift and card and handed them to me. I asked if this was for Christmas and he told me that it was. I thanked him but asked if Daddy and I could wait until Christmas morning to open it. He agreed and put it back into his book bag.

As soon as we got home that afternoon he placed his gift to us under the tree (sadly it sat there alone until the 23rd!!). Almost every day from that point on the following scenario would happen at least once a day until finally on Christmas morning, Ivan was able to give us his gift to us.

Ivan: When it be Christmas day Jesus' birthday?

Mom or Dad: XX number of days, honey.

Ivan would scurry into the living room and grab his present for us and return to where ever we were in the house.

Ivan: You open this Christmas mornin' time Jesus' birthday!!

Well, when the day finally arrived, J and I saved Ivan's gift to us for the end. I am so glad that we did because nothing and I mean nothing could have topped it!! He had made a reindeer out of his hand and foot prints. His hands were the antlers and his foot made up the head. They had pasted some googly eyes on there as well. It was and is adorable. I really didn't want to take it down Monday, but I did and it will no doubt bring new tears to my eyes next year.

He is so precious. I have been blessed beyond measure with him in my life.

Ivan's Baptism

Today Ivan was Baptized at our church. J and I officially joined on November 4, but we did not want to have Ivan baptized the day we joined because we wanted it to be special, and it was. He was so good, nervous, but good. Pastor Ben used more water than he intended too and J and Ivan got soaked...poor things. Ivan was too anxious to stand up at the baptismal font, and he refused to let Ben hold him, so Dad held him during the entire ceremony. Ben told us later that he realized a little too late how much water he had in his hands...splash.



J and I come from very different denominations and we were not sure what we wanted to do about Ivan's Baptism. However, once we found St. Mark's and decided to join, we knew that we wanted to have him baptised there. As with all things that God ordains, the time was right.

Best Friends BEST NEWS!!

Woo Hoo! My best friend S told me today that she is pregnant. I am so thrilled for her and her husband, C, I can hardly contain myself. She took her first hpt on Monday and another Tuesday night. She won't have her first appointment until January 10th when she will be roughly 9 weeks along. That is a long wait. For now, I am just praying that all goes well and that come August I get to meet this little miracle. God is SO good!!

**Edited to add: Today S had her first doctors appointment and all is well. Her due date is August 16, 2008. Yippee!!!!

Out of the mouth of (my) babe...

Ivan's speech has improved a hundred fold over the past year. This mostly has to do with the wonderful speech therapists that he has worked with during that time as well as the fact that I talk his ear off.

I wanted to compile an ongoing list of some of his cute little sayings before they change or are lost to my memory. I know that I have already lost a great deal of them but here is a start in no particular order:

Da!
Who dat?
What doin'?
mater woop
pizza pie (pizza pie dip)
ketchup dip
Why?
Me like that.
Ha Ha (Ivan's name for Sherman)
Werman
Wermy
Caroline's Mom (this is what Ivan calls his aunt C)
The Best of Diesel (Mavis, Diesiel 10, Duck etc.)
Where puppy? (referring to his luvy blanket that looks like a little dog - he loves that blanket)
Tall poopy hurt my bottom (J's all time favorite)
Me have hard time (falling asleep)
That one of me favorites
I do it!
Where is?
Quiet, please.
I need privacy!
I have playdate with all those guys (meaning all of his cousins)
Let's go wooper fast!
Danul (refering to the neighbors cat - Daniel)
Praise God for what we need to...make people, our welcome food, our backyard, to love our neighbors as ourselves

Who could say no to a request like that?

Ivan is presently in his room for his daily quiet time. I was just coming up the stairs from throwing in some laundry in the washing machine; I was planning to come in here and write a post about something altogether different. However, as I passed by Ivan's doorway he came running over and said with a huge smile on his face "I need hug! I need hug!" Who could resist that? I gave him a great big hug and told him that I love him and he smiled and ran back to play some more and said "Me love you too Mommy!"

Life is bliss.

Thank you Lord for my precious gift.

My Oasis...

Ivan attends preschool on Tuesday and Thursday mornings. Some days when he is at preschool I have some much loved quiet time. My favorite thing to do during those precious moments is to sit at my kitchen table and look out the window into the backyard. There is a wonderful bird feeder there that was left by the previous owner. Watching the birds and just admiring God's creation has become one of the most treasured gifts of our new home. I love it here and I am so grateful that God led us to this particular home.

A morning in the park...

Today Ivan and I went to the park after his speech therapy session. It was a clear fall day with a hint of warmth in the air. Ivan walked around the brick edge holding my hand. Then he played with the stationary "digger" in the sand. Next he rode on all of the little bobbing animals, finally riding the seal with his feet thrown over the back so that his little legs formed a V and his body was pressed against the seat. There were many "LOOK Mommy!"(s) and I obliged every time exclaiming about how cool whatever he was doing was. Finally, Ivan made his way over to the swings (his favorite activity at the park). He climbed in and I started to push him. We swung in silence for a few minutes and then we started to sing our ABC's and count to 10. As I stood there singing with my beautiful boy, it hit me like a ton of bricks. It's moments like this that make being a stay at home mom one of the most wonderful blessings that God has graced me with.

Home at Last...

Today my Grandmother went home. My "Mama Ruth", as we affectionately called her, has finally gone to the place where she will be made whole again...heaven. Mama Ruth was diagnosed with Alzheimer's almost 15 years ago and it has been a long and sad decline for her especially over the past ten years.

Mama Ruth was a lifelong disciple of Jesus Christ and I have no doubts or concerns about who's feet she is now sitting at. She attended church every Sunday, gave to the church willingly and cheerfully, served on many committees and shared her faith openly by the way she lived her life. She was a great example of the type of disciple I want to be for my Lord.

I've never known a more gentle and loving soul and I doubt that I ever will again. She was the type of woman who apologized for saying "fiddle", knew every grandchild's favorite food and made certain that it was present at Christmas and Easter dinners. She always (and I mean always) put everyone before herself.

Edited to add: I miss her especially now as we approach the Holiday Season. One of her grandchildren described her as having the "gift of hospitality" and she did. Since her passing I have been trying very hard to embrace that gift, which is one I certainly lack. I worry about all of the wrong things when it comes to entertaining in my home. J and I are hosting Thanksgiving here this year and I hope that in doing so we can honor her life and gift.

Why won't he sleep?

I have been through this several times now with Ivan, so why is it still so upsetting?

Ivan is still napping for an hour to an hour and half every day. I put him in his bed and tell him that he does not have to go to sleep, but that he needs to have some quiet time. He goes to sleep almost every day. At bedtime however, he stays awake until J and I go to bed and sometimes long after. Like last night for instance...he was wide awake at midnight. I finally went in there and yelled at him that he needed to be quiet and go to sleep. Not the way I really want to end our day. Then this morning he did not want to get up and it took me 10 minutes or more to get him out of bed. He had preschool this morning so it was imperative that he get up and get going in a timely manner.

He napped again this afternoon and I am planning on putting him to bed early because he is a basket-case from being so tired. I am at my wits end about this and I just don't know what to do to get him to sleep.

I will admit that there is a part of me that thinks getting rid of nap time is the answer but then there is a part of me that needs for him to nap, so that I get a midday break. Perhaps the answer is to give him a real quiet time and not do it in his bed. I'm just not quite sure how to make that happen. This parenting thing is tough and I just hope that I am on the right track.

Another Milestone...

Today marks the first day of Ivan's academic career...may it be long and successful.

Ivan started Preschool today. J and I chose this particular school because of it's Christian focus and just the "feeling" that I had in my heart when we visited last February during sign-ups. It was between this school and another Christian Preschool here in the area. My sister sent my niece there for three years. Frankly, that is where I always thought that Ivan would go too. I liked what I saw when I visited both schools and I prayed very hard about what was the right school for Ivan before calling both schools and giving them the verdict. In the end I know that we made the right choice for Ivan.

This morning I took Ivan into his classroom and we located the special hook for his backpack. Then his teacher, Ms. Kris, came over and led him to a little table and got him interested in coloring his "self-portrait". I slipped out and only peeked through the glass pane in the door for a moment before heading out to my car alone. As soon as he was out my sight my eyes welled with tears and I had visions of me spending the next two plus hours in tears. Then I pulled it together and realized that this is one of those "this is what it is all about moments". You want your child to be comfortable and happy in a new setting and able to leave your side. Ultimately that is what parenting is all about, right? Raising these little souls to leave you and go out and flourish. So, I pulled it together and pulled out of the parking lot no longer sad that my little one has grown-up so much in such a short time, but thrilled that he is doing it so well.

I picked him up a few short hours later in the carpool line. As his assistant teacher, Ms. Kym buckled him in she said that Ivan had a fabulous day and that he was a real joy in class. What more could a nervous mom want to hear?

On the drive home Ivan and I discussed his day at preschool. The teachers provide a calendar of events for each day so that we parents will know what happened at school that day. We talked about the self portrait that he colored...apparently sans hair because he had no idea what color hair he had given himself. We discussed his snack (cheese cubes, pretzels and apple juice) and he told me about sliding down the slide and climbing up the ladder on the playground. He told me that they had music/chapel as well. All in all it sounded like a jam packed morning of fun and learning.

He is my precious gift from God and I am so grateful that he is mine.

Knots in my stomach...

We've been potty training intensely for three and half days now. Ivan is doing great. Mom, however, is all tied up in knots. I never thought that the "wanting your child to succeed"stress would occur so early-on. I thought that this type of ulcer-causing stress came later when you watched them start High School or College or Med. School or whatever, but not potty training!

In short I am a mess.



This morning we had our first outing with big boy pants on. Ivan desperately needed a haircut and Liz (my stylist that cuts his hair too) was on vacation all last week so she squeezed us in this morning at 10:45. I thought of little else all day yesterday, trying to plan for success. When Ivan woke-up this morning he had his usual glass of milk (strawberry and chocolate please) and a yogurt bar for breakfast. The plan was to keep all other liquids away from him until we were safely home again. Well, we went to brush our teeth at 10 and before I even realized it Ivan was downing his "rinse water". It didn't even register with me that he was drinking until he was almost finished. The already existing knot in my stomach began to grow. Then the doubt crept in..."Should I put him in a diaper, should I put the rubber training pants on him, should I cancel the appointment all together?" Then sanity knocked on the door and I chilled out a little bit. I decided that the only way that he was ever going to learn what to do was to do it...so we had a potty time before we left the house and again when we got to Liz's. He produced results on both occasions much to my relief. When the haircut was over his pants were dry and all was well with the world.

But wait there's more!





Ivan really dislikes getting his haircut. He loves Liz, but doesn't like anyone messing with his hair (except Mom). Since I know that I would butcher it, he must suffer and sit in Liz's chair. Since he dislikes it so much he can make it rather difficult to cut. To avoid this I promised him a special surprise this morning if he sat still for Miss Liz. I had to pull that one out several times while we were there, but in the end it worked and Ivan got a great haircut. As Liz was snipping along she asked me what the surprise was. I was panicked. I hadn't thought of anything yet, I was flying by the seat of my pants on this one and now I was busted! I blurted out that we were going to McDonald's for lunch and a little play land time. What? What did I just say? As though I wasn't already sweating our outing enough I had extended it! Had I lost my mind? In short, yes I had. Unfortunately, Ivan was all ears and immediately started saying "McDonald's Mommy?" meaning "Are we going to cheeseburger heaven, Mommy?" What was I to do? I couldn't let my little one down. I had said it and so it was to be. Despite the knot in my stomach which was beginning to feel like a boulder, we drove to the house of cheeseburgers and had two more successful potty times. Ivan ate his lunch and played on the indoor play equipment for awhile, until Mom could take no more of it.

We drove straight home and as we did so I could feel the knot unraveling inside my stomach. A huge smile of relief crossed my face as we entered the house. Ivan had done it. He had gone out in big boy pants and had kept them clean and dry the entire time.

One knot creating incident down, 3 million to go!

It Feels Like Home...

Before we moved to our new home my sister shared a warning with me. She advised me not to be surprised if the new house did not feel like home for a while. She admitted that it took her almost two years to really consider their new house their home. She said that with your fist house it is just that, your first house. It takes little to no time to consider it your own. However, the second house seems to take awhile to "break-in". I appreciated the advice and really started to prepare myself for that feeling of I live here, but it isn't home yet.

I am thrilled to say though that nothing could be further from the truth for me! This house has felt like home from the day we moved in...literally It is remarkable but both J and I feel this way about the house. There is work to be done but it just feels right. That is not to say that our old house did not feel like home, it did...but it was J and C's home, not the house we plan to raise Ivan (and maybe some day another one) in.

I am attributing this instant comfort to the fact that this was the house that God had set aside for us all along. Despite my insistence (at the time) that the other house we bid on first was the right house. J was never as comfortable with the other house, but I was CERTAIN that it was the one for us. In truth, I was seduced by all of the wrong things and God knew it and spared us from making that mistake. He hardened the hearts of the seller's to our offers because He knew where we were supposed to be...I just wouldn't listen.

Thank you Lord for sparing me from my own short-sightedness. Thank you Lord for putting us right where we need to be.

Talking on the phone...

Yet another sign pointing to how quickly Ivan is growing-up before my very eyes.

Ivan has long enjoyed listening to others talk to him on the phone. He would, on occasion, use his play phone to call someone, usually Nana. However, when he was on the phone he would rarely interact with the person on the other end of the phone. Over the past several months he has enjoyed calling his Daddy at work and saying on cue "Hey Daddy!" but that was about all he would say while J talked to him and engaged him in "conversation". All of that has dramatically changed recently.

Now, Ivan calls lots of people on his phone and yaks at them. When someone wants to talk to him on the real phone he answers their questions to the best of his ability and even closes with "Bye, Bye." at the end of the conversation. I experienced this first hand the other day and it was so wonderful. Our conversation went something like this:

Mom: Hi Ivan.

Ivan: Hey Mommy.

M: What are you doing at P W's?

I: Wholey Polly. (He was is search of more Roley Polly Bugs)

M: Are you having fun?

I: Uh-huh.

M: I love you, Ivan.

I: I love you, Mommy.

M: Bye, Bye Ivan. I'll see you soon.

I: Bye, Bye Mommy.

And with that he handed the phone back to my Dad. That was my first real phone "conversation" with Ivan. It's going by at lightening speed.

Driving around in my automobile...

I know that some people really dislike the carts at the grocery store with the little car in the front (there are no TV's in them where we shop - thank goodness) but I think that they are kind of cute. I have offered a ride in one to Ivan on a few different occasions and have always been met with a "No, please." He says please instead of thank you - we're working on that one but I feel that a misplaced please is better than none at all. Anyway, today we were at our local warehouse club when Ivan spotted a cart with a car on the front waiting in the cart coral. He dove into the little car and immediately buckled himself into the seat. He was thoroughly delighted throughout our shopping trip with his new seat and I was just as delighted to watch him "steer" the cart and honk the horn (sometimes both horns) from the back of the cart.

As I sit here writing this it is hitting me...he is growing-up so fast. The last time that I offered for him to sit in the car cart he said "No, please. Up, please". He wanted to be where he could see and interact with me. We do a lot of talking while we shop. I'm a talker what can I say? He is more secure now and really starting to embrace his Independence more and more. That's not to say that we didn't interact during our shopping trip, we did. However, it was limited and usually consisted of Ivan a) making sure I was still there and b) the two of us talking about his "driving" of the cart.

It's going by so fast and I love him so much.

WHY?

Guess who's favorite word is Why? This is not my favorite stage...to say the least. When will it end?

Insomniac...

I don't know what is going on in my house, but no one is sleeping...including Sherman. The fact that Ivan goes in "sleep phases" is nothing new, but this total wacko sleep cycle (if you can even call it a cycle) is baffling me completely. Here is what's been going on here lately:


First we moved to a our new house about three weeks ago. Ivan hasn't seemed to skip a beat since the move...everything has been normal until very recently.


We have been semi-intensely working on Potty Training the last two weeks. By semi-intensely I mean we talk about using the potty ALL the time, Ivan sits on the potty several times throughout the day, he has pee peed in the potty on some occasions and he has worn his "big boy pants" a few times with only one accident (and it was a huge mess - thankfully on the kitchen floor and no where else).


To add to all that Ivan has finally bitten a hole into his final bah bah (pacifier). When we moved he had four bahs left and when he would hand me one that had been bitten through I would inform him that when he bit through the last one, there would be no more. The other night he handed me the final bah (with a tiny hole bitten through the tip) and said "No!". Ivan has only been using his bah bahs at nap and night night for about a year and half now, but they are somewhat of a security item for him so we will see how the "loss" of them affects him and his sleep.

Funny, when I write all of this out it seems somewhat obvious why he hasn't been sleeping too well. The little guy's world is changing so fast.

*****Edited to add*****
J put Ivan to bed last night at 7:15 and we never heard a peep. J put me to bed at 9:45 and never heard a peep. It is currently 7:50 AM Tuesday morning and Ivan is still asleep...hopefully this will put him back on track and the rest of us as well. We shall see!

Homesick...

Last night as J and I gratefully fell into our bed I was totally overcome with emotion. I love our new house and the location can't be beat, but I was feeling homesick. I wasn't pinning away for our old house as much as I was tired of not knowing where anything is. Every time I go to look for something, I have to think about it. Is it in a box? Is it put away in it's new place? If so, where is that place? I was just tired of it all and so I fell asleep crying and missing the familiarity that comes from living in a place for 9 years.

He Even Says It In His Sleep...

A few months ago I wrote about Ivan's favorite new word. Last night I woke-up around midnight and heard Ivan mumbling through the monitor. Quickly his mumbling ceased and I heard a resolute "No, Mommy!" I laid there and chuckled to myself...he even tells me no in his dreams!

He's such a little character.

One week to go...

We are moving to our new house in just over a week. I have been trying to prepare Ivan for the move, but at the same time I don't want to stress him out over it either. We have brochures for our current home and our new home and we look at them often. I talk to him about his new room and his new "train room" aka play room.

More later...

A Nickel and Dime and a Ben Franklin or two!

I really don't want to poor mouth here and I know that as long as we continue to give to the Lord with a giving heart He will make it all work out. However, this move is getting expensive! It isn't any one thing but all of the little things that are adding up and fast.

OK, well there is one big thing...the cost of the movers. Woowee are they going to cost an arm and a leg! We have some extremely large pieces that we will need to move and there is no way that we can do that ourselves, so we have to hire movers for those pieces. Their hourly rate is hefty enough, but throw in the "travel charge" and the gratuity that will be expected and boy howdy does it all add up! Plus we were thinking that we would move out on one day and move in on the next, but that just won't be possible. One company quoted me an overnight fee of $500 and the other $625. That is almost as much as we are going to have to pay for their actual service time.

Then there are the "nominal" charges that the phone company, cable company and power company will charge us to reconnect to their service at our new location. Never mind that we have been customers for almost 10 years and that we are just transferring the service to a new address.

Ahhh! It is all so maddening. I am beginning to understand why all of my friends say that they will never move again.

We Got It!!!!

Well, we got the second house that we bid on, but only after a very restless and sleepless night.

I am nervous about the move and the new house...it is just the way I am. However, I believe that this is the right house for our little family and that God had set it aside months ago for us but as always, we weren't ready yet.

Thank you Lord for putting us in the neighborhood that we really wanted to be in and for making it all work as only YOU can. We thought that this house was out of our reach, but you showed us the way Lord. Thank you.

Starting Over...

Well, after several back and forths we had to walk away from the house that we bid on - they just would not come down. I'm sad, but we are making a bid on another tonight, so we will see if this is the one that God has set aside for our little family.

On the move...

Well, God has blessed us again! Our house has sold!! Yahoo!! The only catch is that they need us out by the 30th of May. Oh my that is fast approaching.

We made an offer on a house tonight. If it all works out I will post more later. If not, back to the drawing board.

The Self Imposed Time Out…

Yesterday morning after our Kindermusik class we came home and started to prepare for lunch. I had everything all made and ready to hit the table so I asked Ivan to start washing his hands. He ignored me, so I went on into the bathroom and started to let the water run for a minute to help get it warm enough for hand washing. I called to him again and heard a very defiant "No!" come from his room. I waited a minute and tried again. I headed to his room to inform him that he would be heading towards time out when I heard a noise coming from the kitchen. I heard Ivan’s chair scraping across the floor. Sure enough, there he sat in the time out spot.

After his time in the chair I asked him if he was ready to wash his hands and he said that he was and off we went.

Life Happens...

There is no truer statement at this time in my life than that one. Our life here has been happening at a frantic pace for the past four and a half months, but especially the past two weeks. Our house went on the market April 2 and we have had 18 showings in 16 days. That is a lot of out of the house time for Ivan Sherman and me. J too but he was out of town last week on business and he is at work during the day - so not as much as the three of us. We have spent far too many hours in the car lately and frankly I am already tired of the whole process. I am fairly certain that our "bubble of interest" has passed and that the number of showings will decrease moving forward, but who knows.

I will just be happy to get a decent offer and accept and move on to looking for our next house...which will be no small task.I am thankful for the blessing of lots of showings, but ready to have an offer as well. I am so impatient. I know in my heart that God has the right buyers picked out for our house and that He has the right house set aside somewhere for us as well. It's just hard waiting on His timing when the whole world works on it's own timetable.

The other night at dinner J made one heck of a good point in favor of God's timing and plans verses ours though; he pointed at Ivan and said that had things gone the way WE wanted them to we wouldn't have Ivan. So true. God was right on then and He will be right on again. I just have to wait and be patient.

I must remember the words to my favorite hymn: Trust and obey, for there's no other way to be happy in Jesus but to trust and obey.

I wonder what she is feeling today...

I am certain that there will never be a March 18th that passes without Ivan's birthmother thinking about her baby boy. She relinquished him at the maternity hospital in Ust-Kamenogorsk and never visited him while he was in the orphanage. I've always thought about her choice in a very positive way. I've always hoped that she relinquished her rights and never visited him so that he would be eligible for adoption that much sooner. She was young when she gave birth to Ivan and perhaps she had wisdom beyond her years. I've always wanted to believe that anyway. The truth is though, I don’t know. I don’t know if she relinquished her rights willingly or if a family member strongly encouraged her to do so.

There are so many things that I would like to know about who she is and how she came to make the decision about her baby boy. If I am wondering these things then I can only imagine how much more Ivan may want answers to these questions someday.

Anyway, I pray that she knows how loved he is and how grateful we are that she chose life.

Happy Third Birthday Ivan!

Lessons with PB&J

Last Thursday Ivan and I went shopping at our local warehouse club. As we cruised up and down the isles we talked about the different items that we were buying that day. I picked-up a large package of peanut butter and jelly to donate to our local food pantry. Ivan immediately said, Ivan? I told him no that we were buying this pb&j for those who could not afford their own. He looked at me and again said Ivan? So I told him that we were buying it to share with others and he seemed satisfied.

When we got home and I put the pb&j in the dinning room, a place that guaranteed that I would not forget it on Sunday morning, Ivan again asked if it was for him. I explained again that we had bought this for others. He started to cry and say that he wanted it. I took him into our pantry and showed him our identical jars of pb&j and said that these were for Ivan anytime he wanted them. That made everything better and off we went.

Sunday morning we walked into the Narthex at church and J took the pb&j over to the baskets were we put our donations to the food pantry. Ivan runs after him and says "Mommy!" and begins to sign the share sign.

How cool is that? He remembered from Thursday morning that we were going to "share" the pb&j with others. It reminded me that he is always listening and learning.

Homemaking Meme

I saw this over at Arwen's and loved it...so here it is!

Aprons (Y/N): No, never. Although I probably should…that or a bib!

Baking (Favorite thing to bake): This is tough. I LOVE to bake. I can’t narrow it down really. I love to bake the old standby chocolate chip cookies, brownies (from scratch is my favorite), lemon squares, cheesecake, cupcakes, you name it and if it is baking I like it!

Clothesline (Y/N): No, although I do use two drying wracks in the bathroom.

Donuts: Love them… hot and fresh is the only way to go though.

Every Day (One homemaking thing you do every day): Make the bed and unload the dishwasher…every single day.

Freezer (Do you have a separate deep freeze?): Yes, and it is slam full

Garbage Disposal (Y/N): Sadly, no. We have a septic tank so you are not supposed to have one.

Handbook (What is your favorite homemaking resource?): Hmmm. That is a good one. I like Martha Stewart.com, Real Simple Magazine and Southern Living a lot.

Ironing (Love it or hate it?): Hate it. In fact, I dislike it so much that I now (even on a budget) send Joe’s shirts to the cleaners. Fortunately I have found a bargain cleaners.

Junk drawer (Y/N) (Where?): Who doesn’t? In the kitchen of course!

Kitchen (Design and decorating): We have a great kitchen. Tons of cabinet space (which we will never be able to find in our next house I’m afraid) We put a border up on the two end walls (peaches, pears, plums and grapes with a yellow background) and we tiled the back-splash a few years ago using white tiles with some accent tiles with fruit on them. It looks much better than it sounds.

Love (What is your favorite part of homemaking?): When my house is all clean and straight…I love it. Unfortunately, once I get behind the eight ball so to speak, I am not very good at getting back in front of it for a while anyway.

Mop (Y/N): Yes, occasionally. I would not say that I am a frequent mopper…just when the floors really need it.

Nylons: I am with the others on this one…what are they asking me? If it is whether I wear them while cleaning that would be…uhhh no.

Oven (Do you use the window or open the door to check?): Much to my husbands chagrin, I open the door constantly.

Pizza (What do you put on yours?): If it is homemade then it is no sauce, pepperoni, sausage, mushrooms, and chopped kalamata olives…yummy!

Quiet (What do you do during the day when you get a quiet moment?): These are rare with a 35 month old little boy at home, however, when he naps (which is getting more and more rare) I enjoy reading, journalizing, and surfing the net in general.

Recipe card box (Y/N): Yes. This was one of the greatest gifts that my mother has EVER given me. The Christmas before I was engaged and later married she put all of her greatest recopies on typed index cards. My mom is a kick butt cook, so this was 30+ years of cooking genius in one box. Too cool for a soon to be married lady. I also enjoy recipes from magazines and foodnetwork. I am always open to trying new recipes…it is like a mini adventure!

Style of house: We have a ranch with a two-car garage in the basement. It is a cute house with a nice sized lot, unfortunately the lot is slope

d and not too great for a growing boy to play in…hence one of the reasons we are moving.Tablecloths and napkins? Tablecloth always and paper napkins most days. When we have a formal gathering at our house and I pull out the crystal, fine china and silver, I use cloth napkins.

Under the kitchen sink (Organized or toxic wasteland?): Is an organized toxic wasteland too much of an oxymoron?

Vacuum (How many times per week?): I used to be a once a week vacuumer, now I am once every other week or so…there is no time to get this done with Ivan around

Wash (How many loads of laundry do you do in a week: I am not sure that I can count that high anymore. Pre-Ivan I would do laundry on Saturday and Sunday’s…now it is at least a load a day.

X's (Do you keep a daily list of things to do and cross them off? When I do I am so much more accomplished, but usually I am not organized enough to get one made for the day/week.

Yard (Who does what?): J and I have a deal…he takes care of the outside, and I take care of the inside.

Zzz's: It depends on how Ivan is sleeping that night. Some nights are good and some are terrible.
This was fun. If anyone fills it out on their blog let me know so that I can go and read yours too!

That's Just God...

I have found myself saying that a lot lately. There are some things in life that just can’t be explained any other way. Here are some that I have been reflecting on lately:

1) J and I meeting. We went to two different colleges. His was in the mountains and mine was two hours away in Charlotte. The only reason that I was even there the weekend we met was because my two best friends attended the same college. Furthermore, J had been offered (he says tempted) a Teaching Fellows Scholarship (AKA a full ride) to attend a different university at the eleventh hour in 1991. J put himself through college, so this was a huge deal to turn down.

2) Our adoption of Ivan. Our paperwork was in a whole different country for crying out loud! However, God knew where He wanted us to be and more importantly where our son was. My Dad has always struggled with the fact that Ivan was 15 months old when we met him. He just can't get his head around why he hadn't been adopted yet (My Dad is a little biased perhaps, however, he was and is a really cute little boy). Whenever this comes up (and it is infrequent now that we have been home for 19 months) I just look at him and say "That's just God, Daddy."

3) Ivan himself. He's the greatest blessing that we have ever received and he is loved beyond words. God placed this child in our life for a reason. I think that I know some of the reasons, but I am certain that as we move forward together as a family God will reveal even more to me.

I know that there are many other things that have been TJG moments in my life. As I continue to reflect on them I hope to revisit this journal entry and add to it.

On the contrary mom...

So we have finally hit it, the no stage. Every, and I do mean EVERY, single yes/no question that is posed to Ivan is met with a resounding NO! When it is in fact something he wants and I begin to act on the no, he quickly changes his tune and we move forward accordingly.

I know that this is only a phase and no gives him a lot more power than yes ever could. However, there are times that I would just love to hear a resolute YES, just for a change of pace.

People will say we're in love...

And they wouldn't be far off either! Ever since we decided that we should move J and I have been cleaning out the house. We have been spending our weekends painting scuffed-up walls, throwing out years worth of stuff that we now realize we never needed in the first place etc. Well, this weekend I purchased something to help me with my cleaning efforts. I have never enjoyed dusting more and my house has never been so dust free!

It's the little things that make me happy.

WOW! That was timely...

I am going to save myself some typing here and just say that Amy could have been me in this post.With a few minor exceptions, that describes my life for the past few weeks. Now that I read Moxie's answer it is all starting to make a little more sense. Ivan's spoken vocabulary has increased quite a bit lately. Ever since Christmas he has been more and more willing to use his words as opposed to his signs and gestures to communicate. Honestly, I hadn’t really thought about how huge this is for him. There have been a few times when I have heard him practicing a new word in his bed (uh-oh for instance). It’s not every time that he is awake, but it does happen from time to time.

Unfortunately, last night was a REALLY rough night in our house. J put Ivan to bed at his normal time and I thought that Ivan would conk out immediately. He was exhausted and even told Daddy that he didn’t want to read a book (one of his favorite activities). He was ready to go night night. Well, after about twenty to thirty minutes of being quiet, he started to jump around in his crib. J went in and addressed it. Then another twenty to thirty minutes passed and he was at it again. J addressed it again and all was quiet for awhile. Then we heard him cough a couple of times and it sounded odd, so I went in. He asked for a change and that was that…for a little while. He was up jumping until well after 1 AM. I finally went in there and told him to knock it off and then just turned the monitor off so that I could sleep.

He is napping now. A really hard nap too...going on 2.5 hours. I am about to go wake him up. This is not the first time that this has happened and I am starting to get a little bit concerned.

The Healing Power of Prayer...

My parents are doing better with each passing day. Thank you to anyone who lifted them up in prayer over their loss. If anyone has ever had a dog that was a true member of the family, then you know what they have been going through. Thanks again for the prayers.

Yumm-o!

I love this stuff. I discovered it while I was on a girls weekend with my friend S in January. I just finished the jar : ( and am looking forward to our next trip to Charlotte to get some more. If I can wait that long!

A Prayer Request...

I keep this journal for myself. It helps me to work through my thoughts from time to time as well as keep a record of various and sundry things. If anyone else reads it and takes something positive away from it then bonus! This entry, however, is a request to anyone who happens to read it.

My parents lost their dear Welsh Pembroke Corgi, Tallie, this weekend. She had emergency surgery Thursday when it was discovered that she had a ruptured spleen and had massive internal bleeding. The Vet believes that her spleen ruptured due to a tumor that they located inside the spleen during surgery. The results of the biopsy were to come back on Monday when they would learn if the tumor was malignant or not.

Daddy brought Tallie home on Friday afternoon and was hopeful that the worst was behind her. The Vet did notice some spots on her liver and felt that if the biopsy came back with a malignant tumor then the cancer had likely already spread. However, Mom and Dad remained hopeful that the tumor would be nothing of concern and that all would be well moving forward. Unfortunately, that was not the case. After Tallie got home and settled back in she refused to eat or drink. Dad reluctantly left her side at about midnight and Mom found her lying peacefully in my old room about 3 AM. They think that she let go just a few minutes after Daddy finally went to bed.

We are all struggling with the sudden loss of my parent's third daughter. I ask you all to keep my parents in your prayers. My Dad and Tallie went everywhere together (especially since he retired) and the transition to life without Tallie will be a difficult one indeed.

If you happen to stumble across this months after its writing, then I ask you to still pray for them. There are many things that will be "firsts" without her by their side and they will need strength to get through each and every one of them. I know that our annual beach trip will be one of the hardest times for them as Tallie always accompanied us for the week. Next Christmas will also be a tough time as well. Anyway, you get the point.

To all who are kind enough to lift them up in prayer...you have my most heartfelt thanks.

Tallie, we'll miss you girl.

Edited to add: The tumor was indeed cancerous. The cancer diagnosis would have meant that she would have only had 6 to 8 weeks to live. The Vet believes that a blood clot is likely what took Tallie's life so suddenly. In the end I am relieved that God took the decision out of my parents hands. I only wish that the pain was not quite so sharp for them. Seeing my Dad cry is just gut wrenching.

Strange Day...

Today is a weird day. My parents lost their third daughter Tallie very unexpectedly early this morning and Ivan had his first poop and pee pee in the potty today.

The time has come...

Well after eight and a half years of living in our home, the time has come for us to move. I am on here constantly looking to see what is out there in our area and in our price range. It's going to be tough to leave our cute little bungalow, but the time has come at last for us to move up a little.

Thinking about it more and more...

We were so blessed to have lunch with Curtis, John and Leo over Christmas. Curtis and John traveled with us to Ust where they adopted their son, Leo. They were in town visiting Curtis' parents and John's brother and so we got together for lunch on the 27th. It was wonderful seeing all of them again. My how Leo (now 2.5) has changed since our last visit with them in October 2005! Our visit was too brief, of course. Curtis and I were chatting about number two when she revealed that they are indeed starting the process again! We discussed the whole thing at length and ever since that day I have been praying specifically for Leo's brother or sister who currently lives in Ust.

I have to be honest...the prayers for Leo's sibling-to-be have got my heart thinking about going back again.

Where's my annual review?

There has been a question plaguing me recently. Am I doing a good job at being a parent? When your child is only two and half it can be hard to tell how you are doing at this mission called parenting. I mean if he were twenty-five I might have a clue about how I did, but then again maybe not.

My parents have a saying "You do the best you can for your kids, but in the end you can neither take too much of the credit or the blame for who they turn out to be." I'm sure that when Ivan is all grown-up and out of the house I will also be able to subscribe to this philosophy...but not right now. Now I am responsible for teaching this little wonder what is right and what is wrong, what is nice and what is thoughtless, what is good and what is evil. There are so many lessons that J and I are responsible for teaching Ivan, I can't be so laid back about it!

When I was working outside of the home there were assessments of my job performance periodically. However in parenthood there are no such assessments given. We are given the task of raising these little people into thoughtful, productive adults and no one ever lets us know how we are doing. That seems crazy to me!

I am not looking for kudos or anything like that...just a little honest feedback about what I am doing right, what I need to improve upon, what I need to keep my eye on for the future.

Ivan is a happy kid. He is growing like crazy and he is smart as a whip. He notices everything - to the point where I wonder if we will ever be able to surprise him with anything! He sings, dances and laughs every day. He loves to make us laugh and he smiles all the time.

Hmmm...Reading that makes me feel like J and I are doing something right here. I know that as Ivan grows, the "markers" of success will change and I will just have to continue to look for them and to have faith that God will show them to me. I must have faith that God is leading me and my parenting and that Ivan will be Ivan, whoever that may turn out to be.

Tomorrow and Tomorrow and Tomorrow...

Tomorrow we have our first Kindermusik class. I signed Ivan and I up for the class back in August with an anticipated September start date. Unfortunately, due to construction delays our start date has been postponed several times.

Ivan and I participated in two Gymboree classes last year and really enjoyed them. However, Ivan really loves music, so we thought that we would give this new curriculum a try.

As always, I am a little apprehensive about meeting new people and starting the class. Ivan and I are both really shy until we get warmed up to a new group. Since I know that Ivan will be shy, I will have to come out of my shell quickly to ensure that we meet knew people and get all that we can out of our class time.

I know that we will enjoy our class. Once we get into it everything will be fine. Until then though...ugh.

What a man, what a man, what a mighty good man...

J is an awesome Daddy. Some of my favorite moments are spent watching J and Ivan interact. They love to play tickle games, jump out and get you games and so much more. They both light me up inside and I love them so much.

J is teaching Ivan how to be a good man. He sets a wonderful example of how to be in charge, while remaining lovable, soft and reachable. J is firm when necessary and tender when that is what is called for too.

He is also great at balancing his work and home life. Not an easy task in today's work, work, work world. However, J is home in time to kiss Ivan goodnight every night and we eat dinner together at least 6 days a week.

He is the man I want my son to grow up to be some day.

J, I love and respect you more than words can express.

The one thing I forgot to ask...

The day that we left the orphanage for the last time J and I said many, many thank you's to the wonderful caregivers that had loved and cared for Ivan while he waited for us to arrive. However, as I read the recap of another couple's last day at the orphanage I realize that there is one thing that I totally forgot to ask them...

"What do you want me to tell Ivan about you?"

In all of the days that we visited with them and told them how much we appreciated them and all that they had done for our son, we never thought to ask them how they would want to be remembered.

Memories Stored...

I have been following the blog of a couple that has recently adopted from Ivan's orphanage in Ust-Kamenogorsk. Sunday was finally their "Gotcha Day". They adopted through a different agency than we did and it is over a year later...a lot has changed in Kazakh adoptions as well in our region. They met their precious gift in July and had to leave her at the orphanage for 49 agonizing days while they waited for everything to go through the proper channels. As I read their account of that final morning at the orphanage I was flooded with memories and emotions not to mention tears. That was one of the biggest days of my life...I finally and forever crossed into the world of Motherhood.

It was such a bittersweet day for everyone involved. Seeing Ivan's caregiver's cry at the sight of him getting dressed in the outfit that we had brought for his last day in Ust caught me totally off guard. Their tears were genuine and total. Not one of them kept a dry eye that morning. They were so sad to see their little Tollie (their nickname for him)leaving and yet so obviously thrilled to see him find his Mama and Papa. Their love for him was so deep and heartfelt. Each one of them was an answer to prayers.

I'll never forget that day as long as I live. It was one of the most wonderful days of my life, full of more emotion than I can ever express. It is truly one of those times where "you had to be there" because words are not enough.

Ivan and I pray for God's angels every night and thank Him for placing them in Ivan's orphanage and more specifically in his room.

Helena, Olisa, and Svetta thank you from the bottom of my heart for loving my little boy like only a Mama can.

**Ivan is the little bundle on the left...the other bundle is his buddy Ben**

Ten Years Ago Today....

It was ten years ago today that J and I were married. Where has the time gone? It's been one wonderful, love filled ride and I can't wait to see what the next ten years bring our way.

Thank you Lord for giving me this man to build my life with...he is nothing short of perfect for me.

Sisterly Love...

One afternoon last week at the beach my sister and I spent some much needed time away from the kids et al. We sat on the beach and went swimming while the kids napped inside the house. That hour and a half was the most relaxing time of the whole trip for me. We sat on the beach chatting and exchanged thoughts on life as it is today. Then we took a nice, long, leisurely swim in the ocean. The only reason that we got out was we heard thunder rumbling in the distance. So we had to head back inside and return to "the real world" once again. I really loved the time that I got to spend with my sister at the beach last week.


This past Monday morning the unexplained rash that appeared on my thighs and the backs of my arms while we were at the beach became unbearable. I wanted to scratch myself raw I was itching so much. So I called the Dr's office to see when they could fit me in and then I called my sister. She was more than happy to look after Ivan for me while I went into the office. Once I returned to her house, her oldest child needed to go to the Dr to have her ankle looked at by her Dr. My sister's youngest was still napping upstairs so Ivan and I just made ourselves at home downstairs and had lunch while she took my niece to the Dr. It's days like these two that make me so happy that I have my sister in my life.

It also makes me want to give Ivan a sibling...

Home Again...

We are back safe and sound from our excursion at the beach. Everyone had a wonderful time, but it is always good to come home again.

More later...yawn. I need a nap.

Let Them Eat Sand!

We are off to the beach tomorrow. We will be gone for a week. It won't be relaxing with three kids (5, 2, and 1) but it should be interesting! Thankfully there are two adults for each child so no one should get lost.

TTFN!

Eatin' Good in the Neighborhood...

Ivan is a good eater, no doubt about it. He loves almost all fruit and most vegetables and just about anything else that we set in front of him. So, it came as no surprise last night when he made the more sign over his empty broccoli bowl. What did come as a surprise was when he did it two more times! After three helpings of broccoli I cut him off though. Oh, I hope that his good eating habits are lifetime habits.

Adjusting to a new life...

We returned from Kazakhstan on July 30, 2005 with our son Ivan. Upon our return I went through several stages of adjustment to instant parenthood to a toddler.

First there was the fraud phase. During the first couple of months whenever we left the house I felt like a fraud. If Ivan started to get upset I wasn't always sure what had set him off or what he needed for me to do in order to make things better. Most Mom's of a 16-18 month old know what upsets their child and how to help them. However, I didn't meet my child until he was 15 months old, so I was still learning so much about him at that time. In retrospect,I think that it all came more naturally than I was willing to give myself credit for.

The next phase on our first year journey was the I can't believe he's mine phase. This coincided greatly with the fraud phase. There were times that we would be out and about doing our thing and I would just catch myself looking at Ivan and thinking "What a lovely little boy" almost like I was someone who did not even know him.

Then I moved into the explanation phase where I would feel that I needed to explain why Ivan's eyes looked nothing like mine or J's.

Around Christmas time I really started to feel like Ivan was mine and I began to gain some confidence in my mothering skills.

As the New Year dawned I began to get into the swing of Motherhood and no longer felt compelled to explain about our family. If someone commented on Ivan's unique eyes I would just smile and say thank you. When we first arrived home I was so excited about our adoption journey that I would immediately tell the "complementor" that Ivan was adopted from Kazakhstan and we were so blessed to be united etc, etc.

Now after being home for a full year, I feel totally natural and at ease with my role as Ivan's mom. There are times when I have no clue about how to handle a situation, but now I know that it has nothing to do with being a new parent, it is all just a part of the journey of parenthood.

Messy house = Happy kid?

Before J and I became Ivan's parents I thought that I would keep a beautiful and clean home, stay on top of laundry and other household chores since I would be "at home". One year later I can safely say that nothing could be further from the truth. I can also say that (at least for today) that's OK. I'm sure that by the time Monday rolls around I will want to delete this entry entirely though.

The reality of having a toddler at home is that very little gets done as it did prior to their entrance and it really doesn't matter anyway. It is so much more important that I spend time with Ivan and that we dance and sing together. Not to say that my household chores shouldn't ever get done, but I am learning to accept that they (at least for the time being) aren't going to get done as often as I would like for them to...and that is OK.

One year ago today...

One glorious year ago today the judge in Ust-Kamenogorsk declared that Ivan would be ours forever. Of course we already knew that months before we even traveled to Kazakhstan because we could feel God leading us to this child, but it certainly was nice to have everything all wrapped up and tidy.

Thank you Lord for one of the most wonderful gifts you ever blessed us with...our son.

I'm off...

Tomorrow morning I am leaving for a little getaway with my best girlfriend S, and I can't wait! We have lots of plans for our one night getaway: manicure, pedicure, eating out without kids, drinking cosmopolitans, reading stupid gossip magazines, and of course laughing until it hurts. I am so excited I can hardly stand it!

This week Ivan and I have been at odds a bit more often than normal. I think that there are many factors at play here and one of those is that I need some time away from being a Mom. I know that now that we have Ivan I will never not be a Mom again, but a little time for just me is in order. My loving husband could not be more supportive of my little adventure; which is great of course because it means I can go guilt free! This will be J and Ivan's first full night alone together and I know that it will be a great experience for both of them.

So, I am hoping that when I return Sunday afternoon I will feel refreshed and ready to be a full-time Mom once again!

The Mama's and the Dada's...

A week or so before Mother’s Day Ivan started to say “mama”. He did not use it a lot, mostly only when J would push him to do it while looking right at me. However, that has all changed within the past week. All of a sudden Ivan is calling me mama all the time. If he wants to know where I am he says it loud enough for me to hear him from anywhere in the house so that I can identify where I am at that particular moment. He sees me enter or exit a room and he says it. He wants my attention at the dinner table, in the tub, anywhere…he says it. I love it! Not only has he started to say mama he has really started to say dada too! J loves it and just about melts every time that Ivan yells out dada.

Of course with this wonderful new trick comes a down side as well. J always takes Ivan to the nursery for church because Ivan gets way too upset when I take him and it just breaks my heart to see him get that upset. I can’t concentrate on the service when I am upset so J has been kind enough to take him every Sunday. This Sunday I was just getting ready to sit down in the pew when Ivan looked back and saw that I was not right behind him and J. He yelled out a gut-wrenching MAMA right as the doors closed. I could hear him saying “mama, mama, mama” all the way through the hall. Oh boy did that hurt. I knew that he would be fine. He loves the nursery once he gets there and the ladies dote on him like he’s their own. But boy, was that tough to hear.

We met Ivan one year ago today. These two words are music to my ears and to my heart as well. It’s been the greatest year of my life and I can’t wait to see what’s in store for the next twelve months.

Choices...

Ivan and I had a play date yesterday. We both had a great time and I know that I need to schedule more play dates because we both get a lot out of them. The problem is that most of my friends fit into two categories: no children or working Mom's. I am a full time stay at home Mom. It was never really a decision for J and me it was what we both wanted for our family. Even though I know that this is what is best for my family I understand that this arrangement is not right for every family. I feel very passionately about Mom's staying home with their children, but I understand that this will not work for everyone and I really keep my mouth shut in regards to other's choices. It is always a hot button issue no matter which side you are on and since it really is none of my business, I stay out of it. Why don't my working Mom friends pay me the same respect?

My friend and I were strolling the kids through the neighborhood talking about this that and the other. Eventually we got onto the topic of J and me moving closer to his office. He currently has a 45 mile (one-way) commute and I am traveling at least 30 minutes almost every time I get into the car to get to our shopping, play dates, Bible Study class, etc. So, needless to say we are feeling the desire to move a little closer to the rest of our lives.

With me staying home money is tight. We have a strict budget and we are trying to stick to it as best we can, but there is little wiggle room at this point. My friend does not have the same money concerns that J and I have, in part because she returned to work on a part-time basis when her son was nine months old. Her choice and now they have the money to do some extra things that J and I can't at the moment. Anyway, she was showing me some of the houses in her neighborhood that are for sale. When I said that they were out of our range at the moment she started talking about how I should get a part-time job so that we could afford more house etc. I tried to listen and remain polite, but I was a little frustrated at her insistence. To her credit she was talking about me perhaps looking after some kids in my home eliminating the need for Ivan to attend day-care. However, I feel that if I am caring for other children in my home then I will not be able to be there for Ivan 100% - which is what I feel I am supposed to do as his mother.

Yesterday was not the first time that one of my working Mom friend's has tried to persuade me about the benefits of me working (extra money, Ivan seeing other kids daily and gaining independence from me etc, etc). Their hearts are in the right place, but I wish that they would keep their opinions to themselves.

Staying home or working outside of the home once you have kids is a huge decision and one that almost every Mom and Dad wrestle with at one time or another. It is, in my opinion, one of the most personal decision a couple can make.

J and I have made our decision, and we are thrilled with our choice!

Narrator...

Lately I feel like the narrator of Ivan's life. Since he still isn't really talking, I often try to interpret what his various and sundry doe's and dah's mean. Normally, I am right on target with what he is trying to tell me. He does use Baby Sign a lot and that has really helped with the communication gap, but I often feel compelled to say what he is signing at me just to reinforce the spoken language as well. All of this narration leaves me feeling like the omniscient narrator of a book about the life a toddler. At least I find his little life rather entertaining!

Perfect...

I saw this on another blog last night and it is just so perfect I had to post it here.


I didn't give you the gift of life, But in my heart I know.
The love I feel is deep and real, As if it had been so.
For us to have each other Is like a dream come true!
No, I didn't give you The gift of life, Life gave me the gift of you.
--- Unknown

Ivan's Latest Gig...

Within the past two weeks or so Ivan has started to sing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star all by himself. It is the cutest thing to hear. He sings the tune with the "doe" sound.

He has always sung to himself, but this is the first tune that he has sung that we know! While we were in Kazakhstan staying in Almaty he would sing right before he drifted off to sleep. I can still hear it. Wah Waaaah Wah, Wah Waaaah Wah.

For me the little things like this are what make me want to cry. Ivan is pure joy.

Sick...

Ivan has been sick almost all week. We are heading to the Dr's office in about 20 minutes to see if he has strep or not. I just want to make it all better and I can't. In fact whenever I have to give him medicine it makes him feel worse (at least in the short term). It's been a tough week.

Sigh...

I don't know where this feeling is coming from lately, but I am feeling SO nostalgic about our trip to Kazakhstan last summer. I miss the intimacy that our little family shared during that time. It isn't that we aren't close here, but there were no outside distractions while we were there and I am really missing that right now. Sometimes life just gets in the way.

Sigh...

God's Mother's Day Gift...More Clarity

I know that Mother's Day is a secular holiday, but this year God was with me in my pew.

Mother's Day was awesome. As I sat in church that morning God blessed me with some real clarity and answers about why things happened the way that they did over the past several years. While we were going through all of our IF treatments and then the changes with our adoption and finally with the wait to travel, I would often say (in conversation and in prayer) I know that all of this will make sense when I get to Heaven. However, the Lord is so good to me. He has revealed a lot of those answers to me already, less than one year since Ivan joined our family!

Thank you Lord for your generosity and love.

Post Placement Visit #2

Today J and I met with our SW from our agency for our second Post Placement visit. M came out to our house around 4 and stayed until after 6. I'm fairly certain that she normally only takes about an hour and a half to do these visits, but we get along SO well that we all just keep talking and talking!

It was a really great visit and she really enjoyed watching Ivan warm up. He was still napping when she arrived, so when he awoke he was very shy and stuck close to Daddy on the other side of the room. In time M coaxed Ivan out of his shy mood and got him to perform some of his favorite tricks for her (pointing at all of his body parts is one trick, sharing his toys with new folks is another).

M did offer some resources if we are interested in getting some early intervention help for Ivan's speech. He still isn't saying much other than Dah. An occasional MaMa, but only when he REALLY wants my attention. The Dr. has recomended that we wait and see how he progresses over the summer, but M could sense that J and I are ready to get on this sooner rather than later. Ivan uses some Baby Signs to help ease everyone's frusterations - but sometimes there just isn't a sign for what he wants to tell us.

All in all it was a great visit. I mean who doesn't love to talk about their kid, plus she is truly interested!

The Sweetest Sound Ever...

When I woke up this morning I had no idea what an important day this would become for me. Here's what happened today...

I turned off my alarm one minute before it went off. Climbed out of bed, washed my face and stumbled down the hall to greet Sherman with a good morning belly rub, just like every other day. I slipped into the dining room and worked on today's Bible study lesson and then went into the living room for a few minutes of solitude with GMA before Ivan woke up. I expected that after a few minutes of silence I would hear the usual "DAHHHH!" coming from Ivan's room announcing that he was awake and ready to be seen. As I sat there starring at a muted Charlie Gibson I heard Ivan moving around in his crib and knew that the "DAHHHH!" was near. However, no "DAHHHH" ever came. Instead it was the word that I have been longing to hear ever since I can remember. All of a sudden the quiet of the house was broken with one loud "MAAAAMAAA!" I ran to his door with the most ridiculous grin on my face. I opened his door and said with a smile in my voice "You rang little man?"

My heart has been filled to the brim all day because of that moment. Somehow, it made everything so much more real for me. I AM Ivan's mama and he is MY son. I don't know what it is about that one word, but it just made me feel like a million bucks today.

Happy Mother's Day to ME! (a little early)

Right On...

Last night as J and I were just about to drift off to sleep, we were exchanging little thoughts back and forth. As usual the final ones were about Ivan and what a sweet little soul he is. J's last words to me last night were as follows:

"You know, heaven forbid anything happen to him or anything; but I would have to say that I am just better for having known him."

I thought about that comment a lot today. I told J over dinner that I was moved to tears by that one little statement, because it is so true. God forbid anything ever happen to Ivan, I am just so thankful that I have him in my life. He lights up everyone who meets him and he does it by just being himself.

Dear Son...

Two years ago today you took your first breath. Daddy and I were not able to be there. God's perfect timing had not yet been achieved. One year ago today we knew who you were, but you had no idea who we were or that we loved you so much we ached inside. God's perfect timing had not yet been achieved. However, He saw fit to unite us forever on July 3, 2005 and we have hugged and kissed you every day since then.

Today, we will celebrate your birth and the start of your third year of life. How can you already be two, when we have only known you for nine months? Where have those nine months gone, anyway?

Ivan, you have helped us to get our priorities straight and to strive harder to live the life that God has set out for us. In short son, you have encouraged us to be the best that we can be. We want to thank you for all that you have brought to our lives since we met you. You have allowed us to be totally silly, carefree and open. Neither Mommy nor Daddy has ever been as uninhibited as we are with you. You allow us to sing at the top of our lungs and boogy down without ever feeling ridiculous or self-concious. Your presence here has changed everything and we LOVE the changes!

Thank you for all of the joy that you bring into our lives. We love you to the moon and back, always.

Mommy and Daddy

Keeping us on track...

Tonight we had dinner at my parents house. Our family does this almost every Monday night because my Mom and I are in a Bible Study that meets very near their house. I live about 30 minutes from my parents, so J and I meet at my parents, have dinner and then J, Ivan and Sherman drive home while I am in class. Then I drive home after class. Monday's are always hectic because I am either preparing the meal, or trying to help Mom prepare the meal and look after Ivan in a non-baby-proofed home. Plus, Mom and I are trying to get out the door by 6:35 so that we will be on time for the opening hymn. We cut it close every week.

Since we are always rushed on Monday nights, sometimes we cut corners. Tonight the corner that we (almost) cut was saying a blessing before we ate dinner. We were serving buffet style and we were running late, so everyone was just digging in as they sat down at the table. As I started to cut up some chicken for Ivan, I looked over at him and saw the most powerful sight. There he sat in his highchair with his hands folded and waiting for us to say the blessing. We all shamefully dropped our forks and bowed our heads. It took the twenty-three month old to remind us to give thanks for our meal.

The Lord blesses me through my son every single day.

Oh, I hope he doesn't get my...Oops. Nevermind.

A few weeks ago Ivan and I had a play date with some former co-workers of mine. We were all sitting around watching the kids play and talking about this that and the other. J commented about how nice Ivan's teeth look (very straight and very pearly white). I started to say "Oh, I hope that he doesn't get my teeth because I had to have braces." Before I finished the thought, I realized how absurd that would sound considering that Ivan has none of my genetics! I laughed to myself and then confessed what I was thinking to the group. Everyone laughed as I explained what a wonderful moment this was for me.

When we first arrived home I felt like a fraud. Here I was with a 16 month old and most Mom's of a child this age have a clue as to what to expect from their child. I didn't. I had only known him for a month- how could I! Then there was the time this fall when Ivan was hugging his aunt L goodbye and I stood there looking at him and thought (for a split-second) "What a beautiful little boy, I wish he was mine". Then I smacked back to reality and realized HE IS MINE!

So, this innocent thought at our play group was a wonderful moment for me. It showed me that I no longer have to remind myself that Ivan is mine and this is real! I know it now, with every fiber of my being. He is my son and I am his Mom and no one or anything can change that.

Sigh...after so many years of waiting for the fulfillment of my prayers, he is here and I am so happy.

One year ago today...

It was one year ago today that J and I first saw the face of our son for the first time. We received a video tape of him from when he was two months old. He was to turn eleven months old the very next day. It did not take us long to realize that we were looking at the face of our child-to-be. The following week was a whirlwind of prayers and emotions, but one that I am so glad we were able to experience. Had anything gone any differently, Ivan might not be here today and that is something I can't even imagine!

J and I took that leap of faith that all International Adopters talk about last February. When we did, we never could have known how GREAT the landing would be.

Thank you Lord for the blessing that is our son.

The Moon...

Last night I took Sherman out for his evening constitutional. While we were strolling up the street I noticed the moon. It was the same glorious moon that J and I saw every night while we were in Ust-Kamenogorsk, Kazakhstan. It was so bright and silvery...it shimmered!

J and I would sit out on our balcony almost every evening while we were in Ust and stare at that glorious moon. J would usually smoke a cigar and I would just sit there and try to process the events of the day. It never failed that one of us would comment on the silvery moon at least once.

That moon became a sign of real hope and peace for J and me. It represented the final stage of our long road to building our family. We were finally there! Once we reached Almaty we no long saw that silvery moon. We had Ivan with us and there was no time to sit on the balcony.

I've seen the moon plenty of times since we returned home, but last night was the first Kazakh moon that I have seen since we left Ust in July. It was a real treat.

Life is good.

Mommy Brain...

Enough said.

Birds, Pumpkins and Trucks...Oh My!

Ever since we arrived home with Ivan six months ago...yes, six months ago January 30...he has fixated on different objects. The first two months he was all into birds. Birds, birds everywhere. Everything he saw a bird he would get excited and about jump out of his stroller.

Then as we moved into late September and October it became pumpkins. Good timing kid because they were everywhere! We were still getting out almost every morning for a 30 minute walk at that time and he was able to spot a pumpkin from 50 paces with no problems.

Then the pumpkins began to disappear and our walks drew to a close as the weather began to get cooler. Sometime shortly after Christmas Ivan discovered trucks...all trucks and any size of truck elicits the same excited "DAH, DAH!" from the back-seat. We had an unusually warm day a couple of weeks ago, so Ivan and I headed to the park for an hour or so after his nap. While he was swinging he spotted just about every truck that passed by the park. He was delighted and it just made me giggle. I have never made any kind of deal over trucks and neither has J. It seems to be a boy thing I suppose. It's cute really. Heck, everything about that little guy is cute, if I do say so myself.

No time for cocktails...or anything else for that matter!

I have needed to journal in the past few weeks, just to get my head around things. Unfortunately, my 22 month old has other plans for my time.

So, ok maybe there is time for cocktails, just not anything else!

Reflection & Understanding

Dear God,
Wow, what a difference a year makes, huh? Last year at this time I was so lost, so confused about your plan for my life. Now however, I understand (at least a portion of) your plan for J and me. As I look back on the past 12 months, I clearly see why things happened the way they did.

Last New Year's Day J and I were hopeful that you would bless us with a child at some point during 2005, but we were still a little miffed that you had yet to reveal who that child would be. We had expected to know who he/she was before Christmas time 2004, but you had other plans. I shook my fist at you more than once during those days when I was not sure what it was you were waiting on. You had shown us that you wanted us to pursue adoption, so why the wait. Hadn't we waited enough already?

Then on January 6 the phone rang. It was our SW, P. She had a referral for us to review, only he was not in Russia, but Kazakhstan. "What?" we said. "No, no. We are totally committed to Russia, thanks but we don't want to review the information." That was a difficult day for us. That was the first time that P had called us about a referral and it was not what we had expected. I walked around my office building asking you why you had sent us that referral. What were you trying to tell us? Was this our child? Were we just turning our noses up because he was not from the country that we wanted to adopt from? I was fairly certain that this was not the child you had created for us to love and parent, but I was so unsure of what you were trying to tell me. Well, after a few days you began to work on my heart. Lord, you got me to start to pray about being open to another country and whatever that may entail.

Then on February 15, the phone rang again. This time P was calling to tell us about a little boy in Russia. The only thing was that he was 20 months old...way out of our age range. We still wanted an infant. J and I talked and prayed and cried. I know that you remember that day...all of those tears and anger and frustration and wanting to know if this was the one that you had set aside for us. Ultimately, you made it clear to both J and me that this was not the one for us and we called P the next day to let her know that we did not want her to send us any information on this little guy. However, you really opened our hearts about our age range that night. J and I talked very frankly about what our "outer limit" would be as far as age. We decided that we wanted our little one home by 18 months of age. So in that one night we moved past having to have an infant. Praise to you for that, because it made the next day so much easier.

One final, glorious time the phone rang. It was February 17, a Thursday. P was on the line again. She had another referral for us to consider, again from Kazakhstan. However, you had opened our hearts to changing countries, and increasing our age range. J and I knew the moment that P started talking that this was the child you wanted us to have and so we joyfully took that leap of faith and said YES to our son.

I was so happy at that time, so glad to know who he was and were he was. I still worried endlessly about how he was doing, but I knew that you were in charge and were taking care of him for me. Then came delay after delay. We thought that we would travel in April, then May and finally we learned that we were to leave June 30.

Once we left for Kazakhstan you, oh mighty Lord, took over completely. You left nothing to chance, placed a smooth path in front of us and lead the whole way home. You even gave us the gift of a sleeping child for the 20 plus hour trip home. You made it all so easy.

You also planned J's new job and the timing of it all so perfectly. You saw to it that J's new manager was willing to wait until we returned from Kazakhstan for him to move into that role. J was so relieved to leave his old role when we left for Kaz and know that upon his return, he would start fresh on a new account.

There are no words to tell you how grateful I am for your perfect timing, and for the gift that is our son. You knew all along what would happen, where we should go and when we should get there. I, however, questioned your plan at every turn. Yet, you were so patient and gentle with me. Always reminding me that you were in control and to let it happen on your time table, not mine.

I've tried to tell those around us that this family was all in your divine plan and that you made it happen. I'm sure that there are those out there that refuse to see your hand in their lives. I refuse to be one of those Lord. Your perfect plan is so evident, upon reflection.

I think I finally understand.

Post Placement Visit #1

Today we had our first post placement visit for Ivan. The Kazakh government requires that we have post placement visits at 6 months post adoption, 1 year, 2 years and 3 years. It is the governments way of making sure that Ivan is in good hands and that all is well. If the social worker were to report that things were not going well, the Kazakh government could not actually do anything, as our adoption was finalized and closed while we were in Kazakhstan. However, if something was amiss the social worker would involve our local DSS.

I love our SW, she is so easy going and showed a true affinity for Ivan. She is that same SW who did our homestudy in August 2004. We developed a great repoar with her back then and it was still there tonight. She asked some questions about Ivan's transition as well as ours. It was all very low key. It was great having such a captive audience for once! Usually, I try not to go on for more than a couple of minutes about Ivan (or anyone, for that matter) because usually people don't want to hear much more than that about anyone or anything!!

Anyway, post placement number 1...in the bag! : )

Bumps and Bruises

Ivan is 20 months old. He has been walking since the middle of July and usually has great balance. However, when he is tired, he bumps into everything. He is also at that height. You know the one that I am talking about...where their heads are the same height as every table in the world. Within the past two weeks Ivan has reached that height and boy does his face show it! The little man currently has two bruises on his head from running into various tables in the house. He gets going so fast and then before I am able to say or do anything...WHAM into the table he goes.

Friday morning's bruise, however, was all my fault. We were playing in the living room and I scooped him up and kissed him all over. He was laughing and having a grand time. I laid him down on the ottoman and walked towards the kitchen to start breakfast. As I looked back to make sure that he was sliding off of the ottoman safely, I saw him start to roll instead of slide. I had put him on his back and not his stomach as I usually do, so Ivan wanted to flip over so that he could slide off on his belly. He rolled right off of the ottoman and onto one of his toys. He bit the inside of his mouth and blood was gushing out. It all happened so fast, there was no way to stop it. Ivan is fine, but there is a nasty bruise on his chin...I, of course, was a mess for the rest of the day. Ahhh motherhood.

Core Meltdown...

Yesterday was by far the toughest day that Ivan and I have had. Tuesday he had to go to the doctor for a final round of "catch-up" vaccinations. The poor guy received 4, yes 4, shots. The poor kid, no one should have to have that many shots in one day. That was the last round like that thankfully. From here on out it will be a max of two per visit.

Anyway, we really needed to go to the grocery store yesterday and since our morning was going so well, I decided that Ivan would miss his morning nap and we would make our weekly shopping trip. I (foolishly) thought that he was feeling 100% and that the worst of the effects from the shots were behind us. Ivan was a little cranky on Wednesday and had a slight temperature. Thursday however, he awoke in good spirits and with no sign of a fever. So, I thought that we were safe to get out and do our thing.

Oh, how naive I was! We were shopping, checking items off of the list as we went. We are on a pretty tight budget so I try to keep a running total going while I shop on the calculator, so that should we come a across a non-essential item I can decide if we have the money for it. Things were moving right along and we were about 2/3 of the way through our list when we hit the deli. There was a woman in front of me who ordered 4 different meats and several types of cheese. Of course there was only one person working the deli, so I had to wait for her order to be filled in it's entirety so that I could get my measly half a pound of Lebanon Bologna (something that you can only find in the deli and not in the prepackaged luncheon meat section). Ivan started to whine a little so I thought he might be getting a little hungry. So, I pulled out some fruit snacks that he loves and gave him those. He quickly returned to his usual happy self. I thought score one for me...I knew what he wanted! When the snack was gone he had some water and continued to be content. I put the wrapper in my pocket and he got upset, so I gave it back thinking that he must want to play with it. He threw it down and he just let go like never before. He started screaming and crying and wailing like a kid possessed. I took him out of the cart and held him, a little better, but not much. After I was done at the deli counter, I put him back in the cart and made my way over to the produce section...his favorite. We usually touch, smell and discuss all of the various fruits and vege's that we are buying for the week and then Ivan places them in the bag for me. Normally he loves this part of the grocery store. This time however, he was just raging like a madman. Everytime I tried to get him interested in something he would just start crying harder.

Finally, I just started running through the store and throwing stuff into my cart, budget be darned. I just had to get out of there! So we get into a checkout lane and we wait and wait and wait. The lady in front of me did not have that much stuff (which is why I chose that lane) but she was trying to teach her kids about how to pay for things, so they each had to have their treats rung up separately. Ivan calmed down a little as he looked at my Sesame Street checks, but when I had to take them away to pay, he cranked up all over again.

At long last, we made it home safe and sound, but not before we were both in tears. I laid Ivan down for a nap as soon as we got home. The poor guy was asleep before I even got his blanket over him. He napped for quite a while that afternoon, and I sat in the room with him. I just couldn't leave him after all that.

Trust...

Ivan and I were outside the other day enjoying the cooler weather here in NC. He was walking up and down the driveway and examining every leaf he could find. Then he was showing them to me as if they were gold. It was wonderful. After a while of staying on the concrete Ivan decided that it was time to venture out into the yard. He took one tentative step onto the uneven surface and then turned around to look at me. I put my hand out and he immediately grabbed it and took off. I would not let him fall on this new terrain and he knew it. It was at that moment that it hit me...Ivan trusts me completely.

What a wonderful and terrifying feeling for a (relatively) new Mom. This little guy trusts me to make everything safe for him. He doesn't ever doubt that Mom will always save the day and make everything all better.

I just wish that it were true. I wish that I would always be able to make everything safe for him. That's part of letting him grow up though. I will have to let him walk on the new terrain all by himself one day. I know that day will come way too fast for me and never quite fast enough for Ivan.

Damn, I love this kid so much!

The Tale...

I told Ivan his adoption story for the first time the other night. I was giving him his "night night" bottle and we were sitting in his room in the antique rocker my parents surprised me with when we got home. I was just staring into his eyes when it just started to pour out.

The story went something like this...

Mommy and Daddy wanted a child very much so we asked God for a child. God said that He had special plans for our family and that we had to be patient and wait for His perfect timing. In time, God told us about a wonderful little boy in Ust-Kamenogorsk, Kazakhstan...you! We told God that we wanted to be the little boy's Mommy and Daddy and that we would love him forever and ever. We wanted to leave right away to meet you but God said that we needed to continue to be patient and wait on His perfect timing. Several months passed and we kept asking God when will it be time for us to meet our son? God told us to continue to wait on His perfect timing.

Then one day in June 2005 God told Mommy and Daddy that it was time to go and meet their little boy. So we booked airplane tickets as fast as we could. We boarded the airplane and we flew, and we flew, and we flew all the way to Kazakhstan. We met you on July 3, 2005 and we were so happy to finally meet you face to face. Mommy and Daddy went to the judge and told him that we wanted to make you our son forever and ever and that we loved you very much. The judge said that we could be your Mommy and Daddy forever and ever. Then all three of us flew, and we flew, and we flew all the way home. Were we lived happily ever after.

The coolest part was the fact that Ivan maintained eye contact with me almost throughout the entire story. It was obvious that he was really listening to what I was telling him. I told Ivan the story again tonight as I fed him his bottle. This time he seemed to be listening even more intently than the other night.

This is just one of the steps that J and I are taking to try and ensure that Ivan never has an "I'm adopted?" moment. We want him to know how proud we are of the fact that he is adopted without calling too much attention to it at the same time. This is one of those things that we will do over the years but will have no idea if we handled it appropriately until he is much older. I hope that we are on the right track.

Stronger and Deeper...

While we were in the process of adopting Ivan (before we traveled and while we were in Kazakhstan) I felt very attached to the little boy that would eventually become my son. I had a very deep and emotional tie to him before I even laid eyes on him in July. The first time I held him, I knew that I would love him forever. The whole time that we were visiting Ivan in the orphanage, my love and adoration for him continued to deepen. The bond I felt for him strengthened with every visit.

When we reached Almaty for the final phase of our adoption trip, I was feeling responsible for this little person and his physical well being. I loved it. I believe that those 10 days were suspended in time for all three of us. J and I were learning how to become parents, and Ivan was learning how to be the member of a family, not a group. When we got off of the plane here at home and were greeted by our loving families, I thought that my love for Ivan could run no deeper and that while time would strengthen the feelings I already had, they would not change.

Now that we have been home for over two months, I can see how shallow my feelings were and how naive I was to think that my feelings were done evolving for Ivan. I see now that the feelings I had before and during travel were more like the "honeymoon" phase in a romantic relationship. Everything is wonderful, the annoyances are minimal and easily forgotten. Then reality sets in and your patience evaporates for those minor annoyances and sometimes they become hurdles that you and your mate are unable or unwilling to overcome.

When we arrived home and the "Honeymoon" was over, I was a little shocked at some of my feelings. I thought that I was totally in love with this child, and suddenly he was driving me crazy! I was so confused by my feelings and even more disappointed in myself for not being happy with him all the time.

I fell into the trap that many people do who have longed and waited for a child for so long. I felt guilty if every moment wasn't pure bliss. I could tell that I loved Ivan, but something felt strange inside. This wasn't the idyllic situation that I had envisioned. Suddenly, I found that I needed to revamp my vision of parenthood and Stay at Home Motherhood in particular.

I think now, with some time under my belt and a little more confidence in myself as a Mom, I have a more realistic view of motherhood. I'm feeling much better and I am not quite so hard on myself when we have a rough day. He's 18 months old...rough days are a part of the territory.

Each night when I go into his room to pull his blanket back over him before J and I go to bed for the night, I stare at him for a few moments. During those moments I realize how much my love has deepened throughout that day.

I no longer feel like a caregiver, nor do I feel that is how Ivan views me. I am the Mom and he is the son, and we love each other more than words could ever express.