Alone

I sit here tonight in a completely empty house for the first time in almost 13 years of marriage. J and Ivan are at J's parent's house for the night. His parents live about 2 1/2 hours from us and I sent the boys there without me for once. It's been a wonderful, busy and somewhat stressful summer and I needed a little time to myself. Dad's surgery was tough and his hospital recovery was even tougher, but thank the good Lord he is home now and on the mend. He is getting stronger by the day. Ivan participated in swim team for the first time this summer, so many of my days were filled with swim practice and Tuesday evenings were full of the swim meets themselves. Not to mention two sessions of VBS (both execellant). Now the count-down to Kindergarten has begun. Just a little over two weeks until my little man is off to "big boy school". That, however, is for a different time.

Tonight I have enjoyed the silence, the selfish TV time and a good dinner from one of my favorite resturants (and my favorite pino griogio too!). Now, I am off to bed...alone. This is the part of the evening I have not been looking forward to. Not only is J not here to snuggle with but there will be no Sherman at the side of the bed to make me feel safe. When J used to travel for business and I spent many an evening alone, I always had Sherman with me. He would typically (in the old house) stay not under our bed as he usually did when J was home, but he would sleep in his chair that sat right by the front door. Therefore making me feel safe...since no one could get to me without encountering Sherman first. I know that God is in this house protecting me and in a way Sherman is too. However, it still feels a little weird as I am about to crawl into bed knowing that I am totally alone for the first time in my entire married life.

Prayer Request...again

So, my Dad came home from the hospital just over a year ago...a walking miracle. Well, when he left the hospital he had two drains attached to him. One drains the fluid from his pancreas, and the other drains the fluid from his gallbladder. After an infection in his gallbladder, likely caused by the drain, in March where Dad had to spend four long days in the hospital he and his Dr. decided that it was time to remove the drains and redo his "plumbing" inside. He has his surgery Monday morning, June 15 at 7:30 AM.

I'm scared. We've already gotten him back once, will we get him back again? The surgery is pretty major - the least of it being that his gallbladder will be removed and possibly even a portion of his pancreas and spleen. It is scheduled to take anywhere from 4 to 6 hours.

Should you come across this post and feel led to pray for my Dad, thank you. The power of prayer is immeasurable. We serve an Awesome Lord and all things are possible through Him! I pray that it is His will to see Daddy safely through this surgery and recovery and to allow him a full and complete recovery and a long healthy life from here forward.

The Faith of a Child...

Tonight Ivan has blessed our family in two most unexpected ways...

1) He twisted his gum wrapper into a little silver challis (like Nana taught him some time ago). Then he came and found me while I was drying my hair and told me that he would put it on the dinning room table (my parents were coming to dinner and then Mom and I were going to sing at church) and that it was like Jesus' cup from the Last Supper.

2) Then at dinner we asked Ivan to say "his" blessing first. He started off as usual "God is great, God is good..." then, however, he went on to say something that must have been in his heart from the Holy Spirit: "Thank you Jesus for dieing on the cross today for our sins and rescuing us so that we will no longer listen to him." Wow, I was stunned at how much he has been taking in our talk about Jesus dieing for us and about how we are not to listen to Satan, but to God alone.

Thank you Lord for showing me, first hand, the love and faith of a child. Ivan is the greatest blessing I have ever received...thank you, thank you, thank you, a thousand times, thank you.

Growing Up!

Today Ivan turned 5! Where has the time gone and who is this grown-up boy? Happy Birthday little angel. May this next year bring you even more joy than the past 4.

Moving Forward NOT On...

The first couple of days after Sherman passed I just kept saying that I didn't want to go on without him in our lives. I didn't want life to keep going without him in it. I wasn't suicidal or anything, but I just got so upset at the thought of moving on without him. A few days after we lost Sherman J had some much needed words of wisdom for me. He told me that we needed to move forward and not on. We will never stop loving Sherman, or even stop thinking about him...he was truly our first baby. However, we can't stand still. Life does keep going and I must participate in it. Sherman will move forward with me in my heart. We have pictures of him around the house. We bought a beautiful tree in his honor this week that we will plant in the backyard when the weather cooperates. It has beautiful purple flowers that match his collar color. He always wore a purple collar...it looked so nice with his brown and white fur.

He was my buddy and I miss him the most while Ivan is at preschool and after we put Ivan to bed at night. That was always our Sherman time. He would sit on the couch with us or on the bed while we read. Someone came to the door and delivered phone books the other day and I was oblivious until I went to open the door that afternoon. Sherman would never have let someone get that close to the house without letting me know someone was on his turf!

I still get weepy thinking about him and the huge part that he has played in our lives. Every first without him has been met with tears. There are many more firsts to be met, but at least they will be fewer and farther between than the first week.

In time we will get another dog. I will love that dog tremendously I am sure. However, they won't be Sherman and it will never be my first baby again. Sherman was there for me (and J) during a time when we were not certain that we would ever even be able to have children...he was it and he took good care of us during that very difficult time. He licked away countless tears, tolerated being carried more than he really wanted to be and gave us something else to focus on besides ourselves and our grief.

Sherman did not ask much of us. He just wanted to be loved and cared for and we did that to the best of our abilities. He was to the last day just himself and I miss him.

I am in no hurry to get to the Rainbow Bridge just yet. I want to watch Ivan grow and get old with J, but when it is time to go there I will rejoice at seeing my little man running towards me again.

We love you, Sherman, and we miss you more than words can express.

Goodbye, I love you, and I'll see you when I get there.

Sad Days

It is with the heaviest of hearts that I write today. After 13 glorious years of love and friendship we had to say good-bye to our "little man" Sherman on Wednesday night. On Wednesday February 25 Sherman lost the use of his right hind leg, which had been his "good leg" since he had developed arthritis in his left leg about a year ago. After several Dr.'s appointments over the past week it was finally determined that Sherman had developed a tumor at the base of his brain-stem. The Dr.'s informed us that there was no hope of recovery and that the complications would only increase and place Sherman in pain and distress. We made the decision to let Sherman go before anymore complications arose. We know now that Sherman is waiting for us at the rainbow bridge with all of his favorite pals waiting for us to join him someday.

We feel blessed to have had him with us all of these years and loved every second with him. We will miss him.

Our son, the snaggle tooth!

This morning about 9 AM it happened...Ivan lost his first tooth. He is SO excited. He could hardly sit still at church. He showed anyone and everyone that looked in his direction the new hole in his mouth. It is quite a sight. I wasn't there when his first tooth came in, so I am thrilled to be here now when he lost it!

Loose Tooth!

Today we discovered Ivan's first loose tooth! He is growing up so FAST!

My One True Love

This what Ivan called me today...heartbreaker!

Ivan's First Tithe

Yesterday Ivan gave his first tithe. He placed his envelope into the collection plate with such joy and exuberence it was really heartwarming to watch.

What a great guy...

My husband rocks. He said to me last night that one of the things HE was most thankful for over the past year was that I let him take care of me during my Dad's illness. What a guy!!

My Ears Are Tired...

They really are! With good reason too, Ivan graduated from Speech Therapy yesterday!!

Ivan has been working with Miss Cindy for three semesters and is now "well within normal ranges" for his speech and language. In truth, she said he is above average now and is just doing phenominal. J and I are so proud of him.

We returned to our twice a week therapy appointments in September and immediately Miss Cindy noticed an improvement in Ivan's speech patterns and most especially in his spontaneous language. Meaning, he was talking her ears off without prompting! J and I had noticed this beginning in the Spring of this year, but Ivan would not just ramble on for anyone. So they began to work on some of the cluster sounds "sp", "st" etc. Miss Cindy was predicting a drop to once a week for the remainder of the school year with a successful graduation from the program at that time as well. About 7 or 8 weeks ago though, it all clicked for Ivan. He started using his cluster sounds without prompting and he stopped leaving off consenants. Everything just gelled...at last.

Miss Cindy started preparing me that Ivan may be ready to graduate at the end of this semester. After a classroom visit at Ivan's preschool she said to me "Oh, we are so done." She informed me that he was completely age appropriate and frankly a lot more clear than most of his classmates.

Yesterday Ivan and I said goodbye to Miss Cindy. We will both miss her so much. Ivan will miss the fun that they had together - she made therapy so enjoyable that Ivan never complained about going and was in tears when he learned that they would have to part ways. I will miss the professional validation that I was blessed enough to receive frequently. She really liked Ivan and was always quick to tell me how smart, kind, gentle and sweet he is. What parent wouldn't want to hear that and from a professional too?

All in all it is a great thing that tomorrow morning we will not be heading to Miss Cindy's at 9 AM. As we left yesterday I started thinking back to three years ago when Ivan would hardly make any sound beyond "DAH". In this short time he has gone from almost no english to wearing my ears out on a daily basis. He is the love of my life and I thank God for him everyday.

I SO excited about the beach!

This has been Ivan's refrain for the past 5 days and tomorrow we finally leave for the beach. Ivan is looking forward to spending time with two of his favorite cousins, his favorite aunt and uncle, and of course with Nana and Papa Wayne. He is also thrilled about the beach house that my parents have rented for all of us for the week. Of course he is looking forward to playing in the sand and surf and everything else that accompanies a family vacation at the beach.

For me however, there is all of that and so much more this year. My Dad will be with us. There was a time, not too many months ago, when I was not sure that would be possible ever again. In fact, when my Dad was unconscious my sister and I would sit with him and hold his hands. We would tell him to "keep fighting Daddy" and to think about the beach this summer and to think about the kids piling sand on his feet and calling them frog houses or crab condos. It was one of the things that we would remind him of almost every day. I know that Daddy survived his pancreatitis because of God's grace and his strong will to live, but I also know that part of that will to live comes from the desire to see his grand kid's grow-up. He doesn't remember anything about his time while he was unconscious or much from when he first regained consciousness. However, I do believe that this week will be very rewarding for my sister and me as we watch our children do exactly what we told Papa Wayne they would do with the sand and his feet. I know that I will be emotional this week at the beach just thinking about how we almost lost Dad this year - and never saw it coming. I don't mind though, because I So excited about the beach too.

Bless Her Heart...

I really mean that too. My best friend gave birth to a healthy baby girl at 12:01 this morning. It was a very difficult labor. After pushing for over three hours she had to have a c-section. The baby turned out to be 9 pounds 3 ounces (the Dr's had all predicted a 7 pound baby - oops). This combination of events was S's worst nightmare come true. Throughout her pregnancy that was the one thing that she feared and dreaded the most. In the end the c-section was a blessing as they discovered some cysts on her ovaries. Had it not been for the c-section then the cysts would have gone undetected and "unremoved"; who knows what would have happened. I praise the Lord for this turn of events because it very well may have saved her life.

Mom and baby are OK now, tired and trying to get used to one another. When I spoke to S at 4:23 this morning I heard a voice filled with pure love and joy for the one she was holding while on the phone with me. It was awesome.

What if...

Daddy came home six weeks ago or so, praise The Lord, and his total recovery (including kidney function!!) has been a true miracle to behold. However, I am still dealing with the fact that we almost (and statistically speaking should have) lost him. I am so thankful that we did not of course, but I still find myself thinking about what this or that would be like if he had not come home. It's eerie really and I would like to move on, but it has been harder than I thought it would. I wonder sometimes if I have these thoughts to keep me thankful that he is here and to help me to appreciate the "extra time" that I feel we have all been given with him. I don't know why I do it, but I do several times a week. Perhaps time will heal this as it does many things, or it may be my way of keeping me focused on appreciating my Dad even more than I did before he got sick. God will use these thoughts to His purpose if I will only allow Him to.

Sometimes. Maybe. Yes?

I don't know what is going on with me lately. J asked me while my Dad was still in the hospital if I was interested in adopting again. At the time I said no, I am quite satisfied with our little family just the way it is. I did qualify that statement with the fact that I was so emotionally spent from Daddy's illness that I couldn't be certain that I was being totally honest. Well, now I can say that perhaps that answer wasn't completely honest.

I find myself wanting another child from time to time. However, there are so many obstacles to us adopting again I get tired just thinking about them all. I know that without a doubt it would all be worth it in the end. There is just so much more to consider this time. Here are a list of some of the issues that make adopting again more difficult and challenging for us:

*First and foremost is that we would turn Ivan's life upside down if we were to bring home a little brother or sister. He is quite happy as an only child and I quite enjoy being able to lavish my love and attention on him without compromise

*Another thing that bothers me is that I am not sure that Sherman could handle us adopting again. He has aged more than I care to admit over the past year (he is 12.5 now) and I fear that having to "break in" another child would just be too much for him

*I like the way our family fits together. The three of us work well together as a family and we all kind of know what to expect

*Gathering all of the paperwork takes a lot of time and concentration, but I have Ivan at home with me and that makes it even more challenging

*I really don't want to list this one for fear of it being mis-understood but it is a big factor. The cost of international adoption is great. If we were to go back then we would use all of our safety-net plus some. We would likely have to use money that is not ours (ie. home equity loan) and then we would have no fall back money. I'm at home full time and so we are making it all work on one income and it is tight already. The money part scares me...I must admit.

*The travel time has increased since we adopted three years ago. It is now either two trips that equal something like 6 weeks or one long trip that could be as many as 9 weeks. No matter how you slice it, that is a lot of time!

*********************************************************************************

J and I have been talking more openly about a second child since I started writing this post in June. We have also been praying about it a lot more asking God to quiet our desires so that we can truly hear His will about what we are to do. I've backed off reading other adoption blogs and tried to go about daily life with a quiet heart. It's worked to some extent as I no longer feel feverish about the whole thing. I'll keep praying about it all and when a clear answer has been given (it may take years) I'll let you know!

Happy Family Anniversary Day 2008

Three glorious years ago today the judge in Ust-Kamenogorsk banged his gavel down and finalized God's plan here on earth for our little family. Happy three year anniversary family. I love you all more than words could ever express.

VBS - a whole lot of learning goin' on!

Ivan and his 3 year-old cousin, Caroline, attended a fantastic Vacation Bible School this week at our church. It was called God's Big Backyard and it focused on teaching the children how they could influence the world around them through their Christian love and generosity. They made care kits for children in the hospital, as well as hygiene kits for the homeless. They also collected canned goods for a local rescue mission.

Ivan really enjoyed his week and seemed to love singing the songs from the take home cd. He listens so well and seems to take so much of it in. I love seeing my child love God and his friends in such a loving and gentle manor.

Home Coming...at Last!

My Dad has not set foot in his own home since February 18 of this year. Something like 116 days. However, tomorrow he will finally and joyfully be coming home. God is so good and has healed Daddy more fully and more quickly than I ever could have asked for. God is GREAT!!

God is love and grace and compassion and MY savior! Thank you Lord for the love, grace and compassion that you have shared with me and my family throughout this entire ordeal.

More soon, but now I am tired. It's been one hell of a ride to get to this point.

Praise God that we are at this point!

An eye opening experience...

My family has always been blessed with good health, until Daddy's bout with pancreatitis. The whole ordeal of having a loved one so sick for so long is a totally new road for my family and it has proven to be eye opening in some ways.

My Mom is a very independent woman. She has had trouble allowing people to help her throughout this whole ordeal. She has shouldered far more on her own than I would like for her to have, but she won't share some of the duties with others and she never complains. My Mom is a rock...no news there, I've always known that. Usually, I would describe my Mom as an optimistic soul. She usually sees the bright side and doesn't go down pessimistic roads unless she has to. After about the second full week of Dad's illness though she has been less and less able to be her usual optimistic self. When the nurses and Dr's were trying to prepare her that Dad might not make it she lost some of her ability to "look on the bright side". Who could blame her. Here was her husband, best friend and buddy fighting the fight of his life and possibly not winning in the end. After Dad rallied a bit from that lowest time, Mom has had a very difficult time trusting that there would be a good outcome in the end. In fact, sometimes when she would start to hope again, something else would come along and knock her down. I only hope once this is all over (and I really hope to be able to say that soon) Mom will be able to trust that Dad is back with her. There will be changes, possibly dialysis for the rest of his life, certainly some lifestyle changes as far as how he eats, and their future will be effected. They had planned to have Mom retire in October and then the travelling would begin. Now, all of that is in question. Will Dad's health ever return to a level that they will feel comfortable travelling? Lord, I hope so as they have waited for this for so long.

My sister on the other hand has proven to be an eternal optimist. Always keeping her eye on when Dad would get better and not if he got better. C has only lost her hopeful spirit once during a very low weekend when the Dr's and nurses were hammering at us that they did not feel good about Dad's outcome. I honestly never knew my sister was such an optimist. She alone has believed with almost unwavering certainly that Dad would come back to us in the end. I really admire that about her, but know that it is not my way.

I have reaffirmed the knowledge that I had about myself throughout this whole thing. I go to the worst place first and work back from there. As long as I know he will come back to us, I can handle it. So the times that we were not sure that he would come back to us were utterly devastating for me. Had I not had the Lord and my wonderful husband to lean on, I don't think that I could have come out to see the light for a long, long time. That would have been a shame because I have such a bright light shinning here in my son.

My Mom and Ivan and his two cousins are also the light that has helped my Dad to fight and stay with us throughout this whole ordeal. Once he is back on his feet, I know that the one thing that he will insist does not change is his time with the grandkids. I can't wait to get back there.

There is one person who has sustained me throughout this whole ordeal; and while that support was not exactly eye opening, it has been one of the things that has kept me going. The love and total support that J has given to me throughout this time is unparallelled in my life. He has been there for me in every way imaginable. He has picked me up when I was on the floor with grief and worry, he has taken care of everything that I just couldn't handle including Ivan, cooking, cleaning and many other things. He has been my life support system throughout this time of trial and I don't know what I would have done without him. Every time that I dash out the door to the hospital he kisses me and says stay as long as you need or want to, we'll be fine. It is that complete and total freedom that has allowed me to be with my Dad as much as I felt I needed to be. J's motto throughout this whole time has been "this isn't forever, do what you need to do". I am so blessed to have such a wonderful man by my side for life. Thank you Lord for bringing him my way 14 years ago.