I SO excited about the beach!

This has been Ivan's refrain for the past 5 days and tomorrow we finally leave for the beach. Ivan is looking forward to spending time with two of his favorite cousins, his favorite aunt and uncle, and of course with Nana and Papa Wayne. He is also thrilled about the beach house that my parents have rented for all of us for the week. Of course he is looking forward to playing in the sand and surf and everything else that accompanies a family vacation at the beach.

For me however, there is all of that and so much more this year. My Dad will be with us. There was a time, not too many months ago, when I was not sure that would be possible ever again. In fact, when my Dad was unconscious my sister and I would sit with him and hold his hands. We would tell him to "keep fighting Daddy" and to think about the beach this summer and to think about the kids piling sand on his feet and calling them frog houses or crab condos. It was one of the things that we would remind him of almost every day. I know that Daddy survived his pancreatitis because of God's grace and his strong will to live, but I also know that part of that will to live comes from the desire to see his grand kid's grow-up. He doesn't remember anything about his time while he was unconscious or much from when he first regained consciousness. However, I do believe that this week will be very rewarding for my sister and me as we watch our children do exactly what we told Papa Wayne they would do with the sand and his feet. I know that I will be emotional this week at the beach just thinking about how we almost lost Dad this year - and never saw it coming. I don't mind though, because I So excited about the beach too.

Bless Her Heart...

I really mean that too. My best friend gave birth to a healthy baby girl at 12:01 this morning. It was a very difficult labor. After pushing for over three hours she had to have a c-section. The baby turned out to be 9 pounds 3 ounces (the Dr's had all predicted a 7 pound baby - oops). This combination of events was S's worst nightmare come true. Throughout her pregnancy that was the one thing that she feared and dreaded the most. In the end the c-section was a blessing as they discovered some cysts on her ovaries. Had it not been for the c-section then the cysts would have gone undetected and "unremoved"; who knows what would have happened. I praise the Lord for this turn of events because it very well may have saved her life.

Mom and baby are OK now, tired and trying to get used to one another. When I spoke to S at 4:23 this morning I heard a voice filled with pure love and joy for the one she was holding while on the phone with me. It was awesome.

What if...

Daddy came home six weeks ago or so, praise The Lord, and his total recovery (including kidney function!!) has been a true miracle to behold. However, I am still dealing with the fact that we almost (and statistically speaking should have) lost him. I am so thankful that we did not of course, but I still find myself thinking about what this or that would be like if he had not come home. It's eerie really and I would like to move on, but it has been harder than I thought it would. I wonder sometimes if I have these thoughts to keep me thankful that he is here and to help me to appreciate the "extra time" that I feel we have all been given with him. I don't know why I do it, but I do several times a week. Perhaps time will heal this as it does many things, or it may be my way of keeping me focused on appreciating my Dad even more than I did before he got sick. God will use these thoughts to His purpose if I will only allow Him to.

Sometimes. Maybe. Yes?

I don't know what is going on with me lately. J asked me while my Dad was still in the hospital if I was interested in adopting again. At the time I said no, I am quite satisfied with our little family just the way it is. I did qualify that statement with the fact that I was so emotionally spent from Daddy's illness that I couldn't be certain that I was being totally honest. Well, now I can say that perhaps that answer wasn't completely honest.

I find myself wanting another child from time to time. However, there are so many obstacles to us adopting again I get tired just thinking about them all. I know that without a doubt it would all be worth it in the end. There is just so much more to consider this time. Here are a list of some of the issues that make adopting again more difficult and challenging for us:

*First and foremost is that we would turn Ivan's life upside down if we were to bring home a little brother or sister. He is quite happy as an only child and I quite enjoy being able to lavish my love and attention on him without compromise

*Another thing that bothers me is that I am not sure that Sherman could handle us adopting again. He has aged more than I care to admit over the past year (he is 12.5 now) and I fear that having to "break in" another child would just be too much for him

*I like the way our family fits together. The three of us work well together as a family and we all kind of know what to expect

*Gathering all of the paperwork takes a lot of time and concentration, but I have Ivan at home with me and that makes it even more challenging

*I really don't want to list this one for fear of it being mis-understood but it is a big factor. The cost of international adoption is great. If we were to go back then we would use all of our safety-net plus some. We would likely have to use money that is not ours (ie. home equity loan) and then we would have no fall back money. I'm at home full time and so we are making it all work on one income and it is tight already. The money part scares me...I must admit.

*The travel time has increased since we adopted three years ago. It is now either two trips that equal something like 6 weeks or one long trip that could be as many as 9 weeks. No matter how you slice it, that is a lot of time!

*********************************************************************************

J and I have been talking more openly about a second child since I started writing this post in June. We have also been praying about it a lot more asking God to quiet our desires so that we can truly hear His will about what we are to do. I've backed off reading other adoption blogs and tried to go about daily life with a quiet heart. It's worked to some extent as I no longer feel feverish about the whole thing. I'll keep praying about it all and when a clear answer has been given (it may take years) I'll let you know!

Happy Family Anniversary Day 2008

Three glorious years ago today the judge in Ust-Kamenogorsk banged his gavel down and finalized God's plan here on earth for our little family. Happy three year anniversary family. I love you all more than words could ever express.

VBS - a whole lot of learning goin' on!

Ivan and his 3 year-old cousin, Caroline, attended a fantastic Vacation Bible School this week at our church. It was called God's Big Backyard and it focused on teaching the children how they could influence the world around them through their Christian love and generosity. They made care kits for children in the hospital, as well as hygiene kits for the homeless. They also collected canned goods for a local rescue mission.

Ivan really enjoyed his week and seemed to love singing the songs from the take home cd. He listens so well and seems to take so much of it in. I love seeing my child love God and his friends in such a loving and gentle manor.

Home Coming...at Last!

My Dad has not set foot in his own home since February 18 of this year. Something like 116 days. However, tomorrow he will finally and joyfully be coming home. God is so good and has healed Daddy more fully and more quickly than I ever could have asked for. God is GREAT!!

God is love and grace and compassion and MY savior! Thank you Lord for the love, grace and compassion that you have shared with me and my family throughout this entire ordeal.

More soon, but now I am tired. It's been one hell of a ride to get to this point.

Praise God that we are at this point!

An eye opening experience...

My family has always been blessed with good health, until Daddy's bout with pancreatitis. The whole ordeal of having a loved one so sick for so long is a totally new road for my family and it has proven to be eye opening in some ways.

My Mom is a very independent woman. She has had trouble allowing people to help her throughout this whole ordeal. She has shouldered far more on her own than I would like for her to have, but she won't share some of the duties with others and she never complains. My Mom is a rock...no news there, I've always known that. Usually, I would describe my Mom as an optimistic soul. She usually sees the bright side and doesn't go down pessimistic roads unless she has to. After about the second full week of Dad's illness though she has been less and less able to be her usual optimistic self. When the nurses and Dr's were trying to prepare her that Dad might not make it she lost some of her ability to "look on the bright side". Who could blame her. Here was her husband, best friend and buddy fighting the fight of his life and possibly not winning in the end. After Dad rallied a bit from that lowest time, Mom has had a very difficult time trusting that there would be a good outcome in the end. In fact, sometimes when she would start to hope again, something else would come along and knock her down. I only hope once this is all over (and I really hope to be able to say that soon) Mom will be able to trust that Dad is back with her. There will be changes, possibly dialysis for the rest of his life, certainly some lifestyle changes as far as how he eats, and their future will be effected. They had planned to have Mom retire in October and then the travelling would begin. Now, all of that is in question. Will Dad's health ever return to a level that they will feel comfortable travelling? Lord, I hope so as they have waited for this for so long.

My sister on the other hand has proven to be an eternal optimist. Always keeping her eye on when Dad would get better and not if he got better. C has only lost her hopeful spirit once during a very low weekend when the Dr's and nurses were hammering at us that they did not feel good about Dad's outcome. I honestly never knew my sister was such an optimist. She alone has believed with almost unwavering certainly that Dad would come back to us in the end. I really admire that about her, but know that it is not my way.

I have reaffirmed the knowledge that I had about myself throughout this whole thing. I go to the worst place first and work back from there. As long as I know he will come back to us, I can handle it. So the times that we were not sure that he would come back to us were utterly devastating for me. Had I not had the Lord and my wonderful husband to lean on, I don't think that I could have come out to see the light for a long, long time. That would have been a shame because I have such a bright light shinning here in my son.

My Mom and Ivan and his two cousins are also the light that has helped my Dad to fight and stay with us throughout this whole ordeal. Once he is back on his feet, I know that the one thing that he will insist does not change is his time with the grandkids. I can't wait to get back there.

There is one person who has sustained me throughout this whole ordeal; and while that support was not exactly eye opening, it has been one of the things that has kept me going. The love and total support that J has given to me throughout this time is unparallelled in my life. He has been there for me in every way imaginable. He has picked me up when I was on the floor with grief and worry, he has taken care of everything that I just couldn't handle including Ivan, cooking, cleaning and many other things. He has been my life support system throughout this time of trial and I don't know what I would have done without him. Every time that I dash out the door to the hospital he kisses me and says stay as long as you need or want to, we'll be fine. It is that complete and total freedom that has allowed me to be with my Dad as much as I felt I needed to be. J's motto throughout this whole time has been "this isn't forever, do what you need to do". I am so blessed to have such a wonderful man by my side for life. Thank you Lord for bringing him my way 14 years ago.

Prayer Request...Update (4/13/08)

My Dad is sick. He has been in the ICU since Monday February 18, 2008. He is suffering from an acute attack of pancreatitis caused possibly by gallstones. It took until Friday (Feb 22) for us all to really understand how serious this is for Daddy. He was awake until Thursday and then they sedated him to help him not be so uncomfortable. He awoke a few times on Sunday while I was there and he squeezed my hand really tight while I looked him in the eye and told him how much I love him. I am anxiously awaiting the next time we can really communicate.

There are many things that could go wrong at this point and no one is sure what the outcome will be for Daddy. There is nothing that we can do for him at this point other than pray and that is what we are all doing. We have faith in the Lord and in the Dr.'s and nurses that God has placed in the ICU where Daddy is now.

Should you feel led to pray for my Daddy then I ask you to please pray for complete healing and restoration of my Dad's body.

From the bottom of my heart...thank you.

Charlotte

Update: My Dad is still in ICU and still very sick. We are seeing some slight signs of improvement, but nothing to indicate that we are in the clear at this time. With every positive there seem to be two negatives. The Dr's took some fluid from around his pancreas today and will be watching a culture for infection over the next 48 hours. We are praying that the culture will stay negative. The Dr's are not very confident that he can survive the surgery/recovery at this point. So again I ask for your prayers for a negative culture and that he continues to make some (however slight) forward progress. I want my Daddy (Ivan's Papa Wayne) back with us!


Update 2: The Dr.'s have decided, at this time, not to pull the fluid from around Dad's pancreas. They feel that the procedure itself could be dangerous for him. Also, there are no signs of infection at this time (thank you Lord) as his white blood cell count is within normal ranges and he does not have a fever. Now we would all like to see Daddy's kidney's and lungs start to work a little better on their own.

Update 3 (3/6/08): Last night my Mom called and told me that the Dr's at the hospital have decided to move my Dad to another hospital in our area (about 25 miles west). This hospital is supposed to have a team that is more experienced with severe cases of pancreatitis. We are still praying that surgery will not be necessary and that Daddy can pull through this and come back to us. My Mom is struggling and misses her husband tremendously. They have been married for 43 years as of last week.

Update 4 (3/10/08): Wow, it has been three weeks since Daddy went to the hospital for severe abdominal pain. Since then we (my Mom, sister and myself) have learned a lot about the human body and the digestive system in particular. They did another ct scan of Daddy's pancreas last night and said that it "looks like a bomb went off in there". Meaning that it is no wonder he is still so swollen inside. Also, praise the Lord there was no sign of infection in his pancreas at this time, so no one is talking about needing surgery right now. Dad has not been responding to us lately and we were beginning to fear that he may have had a stroke. However, the Dr's ran a brain ct scan last night as well and saw that his brain activity was normal. One Dr. told Mom this morning during her visit that when you are older (Daddy is 67) it can take longer to come out from the meds than a younger person and he has been "down" on the meds for a fairly long while now. So we are thanking the Lord that there were no signs of diminished brain activity and we hope to see Daddy coming out more as they lower the medication.

Update 5 (3/12/08): Yesterday afternoon my sister and I went over to visit with Dad. He is still not responding as well as the nurses and Dr's would like to simple commands (squeeze my hand etc). However, C and I received several spontaneous squeezes and a few (weak) smiles as we talked to him. He is clearly uncomfortable and that is tough to see. He moves around all the time and just can't seem to get settled. Today the Dr's are going to add a drain to the long list of things they are doing to help him get better. They will be placing a line in his abdomen (close to the pancreas) and it will hopefully help to reduce the amount of fluid that is in his abdomen. The other concern is that his white blood cells are climbing (slightly). They ordered cultures on everything again yesterday to see if there is any infection present...we are praying that they all come back negative and that he does not have any infections.

My mom just emailed her latest update with some great news: "The best news today is that he is off the ventilator for several hours (they are putting a lot of oxygen past his breathing tube) and he seems to be tolerating it well. The goal would be to wean him off the ventilator entirely if he can handle it." So thank you Lord for some positive news today!!

Update 6 (3/16/08): What a difference a week can make when the Lord is in charge! Daddy is off of the ventilator entirely now...they even removed it from his room. He is responding to yes/no questions with a shake or a nod of his head and he clearly is "with" us mentally. He is tired and the pain med that he is on exaggerates the effect. We are all so thrilled to see him with us again I just can't express how happy that makes all of us. We all know that we still have a long way to go until Dad comes home, but we are thinking more along the lines of when and not if...thanks to God. We are still praying that no infection enters his body and his pancreas in particular, but for now we are feeling very encouraged and grateful.

Update 7 (3/18/08): It was on February 18 that this whole ordeal started for my Dad and today March 18 (Ivan's 4th birthday) we received the news that, when a bed is available, Dad can leave the ICU!! Praise the Lord for this wonderful (big) step in the right direction. Daddy will be sent to what the Dr's and nurses refer to as a "step-down unit". It is not as "intense" as the ICU but not as "free" as the regular floors. Dad's pancreas is currently producing some insulin and they have taken him off of the insulin drip as of this morning. He is suffering from a slight case of pneumonia, but the Dr's have assured us that this is normal when coming off of the ventilator. May the good news keep on coming!

Update 8 (3/26/08): What a week it has been! Dad is now in the step down unit. He has been receiving limited Physical Therapy (PT) and they have had him sitting on the edge of the bed and even sitting in a recliner!! These steps are huge considering where we were a few weeks ago. He still has the breathing tube in, but they are planning to start to downsize the tube this week and if all goes well, it may be removed next week. We still have miles to go and some Dr's have even said that it may take up to a year for Dad to return to his pre-illness strength and stamina levels. We, however, are just praising God for keeping Daddy with us and slowly but surely restoring his health. God is so good!!

Update 9 (3/31/08): Daddy continues to improve every day. He now has a valve on the breathing tube that allows him to talk and he has been allowed to drink water on his own this weekend, which he is enjoying very much. They are doing a swallowing evaluation today, and we hope he will be allowed to go on whatever diet they think is appropriate. He is off all antibiotics at the moment, and our hope is that the trach tube can come out as long as the pneumonia is gone. He is still in the step-down unit, but they have talked of putting him in a regular room any day now. He has been sitting in a chair several times, and has taken a few steps with a lot of support. PT should be there today to start his more vigorous rehab. We are all continuing to stand amazed at God's grace in the healing of my Dad. I feel like there is a light at the end of this very long and dark tunnel.

Update 10 (4/01/08): Happy Birthday Dad and welcome to your new room! He was moved to a regular room today...what a great present! The Dr's are encouraged to see that Daddy can eat on his own (he needs a little help with cutting but that is all). He is back on real food and so far so good. There was a time that I was not certain we would be able to celebrate Dad's birthday this year. Thank you Lord for bringing him back to us!

Update 11 (4/10/08): Last night we had a bit of a scare. Daddy's Blood Pressure (BP) dropped dangerously low...like 60/30. Really, scary, low. Praise the Lord that all seems better today. The Dr's think that it may be due to dehydration as Daddy is really struggling with eating and drinking enough at this point. He can eat, but he is not at all interested in food or drink and it has become a bit of a battle between him and the rest of us. Dad was moved back to ICU in order to keep a closer (read constant) watch on his BP and heart rate. As of this morning they were fine and we are all please to see him perking up a bit. Lord, please continue to sustain him and give him more strength with each passing day.

Update 12 (4/13/08): My Dad's low BP has most likely resulted from an infection somewhere. We are still waiting to hear where and for his BP to remain above 90 without meds. I am frightened right now, and need the Lord's help to stop all of this worrying that I am doing. Lord, please help his body to restore itself and soon.

Thanks again for taking the time to pray for a stranger who desperately needs all he can get.

My favorite time of the day...

is 7 AM or thereabout. That is the time of day when Ivan comes and climbs in bed with me and we snuggle for a few minutes before we get up and get on with our day. J leaves for work at about 6:15 in the morning - way before I am ready to get up unless I have to. Ivan usually wakes up about 7 and runs into our room and climbs in bed with me. When it is cold he pretends to "steal" my heat by tickling me and I in-turn "steal" it back by tickling him. It's those precious fifteen minutes that make my day.

2 out of 2 "experts" agree: This was the BEST Christmas EVER!!

It was. There is no doubt about it. This was the first Christmas, since I became an adult, that I have been blessed enough to view through a child's eyes...my child's eyes! Ivan was full of wonder and joy the entire advent season, but his excitement Christmas Eve when we told him that the Baby Jesus was coming to his manger scene was just about the most touching thing that I have ever witnessed. The day that his manger scene was brought out Ivan was full of delight. He played with it almost non-stop. He really loves it. However, this year J and I decided that the Baby Jesus would not arrive until Christmas Eve night. On our way home from Nana and Papa Wayne's house J and I mentioned that someone special was waiting for him at home. He first guessed Sherman and then when we narrowed it down a bit for him. He then guessed the Baby Jesus. After he saw the baby Jesus in his manger scene he began to ask us when would the real Jesus come. What a tough question from a three-year-old! Every time we would light the white candle on the advent wreath at dinner, he would ask again about the real Jesus.

Then on Christmas morning Ivan was just a total delight to behold. He savored each present from the large to the small. He was truly excited about each one, but most of all his present to us.

It all started on Dec 11, the day of Ivan's Christmas Party at his preschool. I walked into the party and Ivan ran over to me. He immediately told me that he had something for me and Daddy. I was a little surprised and asked what it was. He ran to his book bag and grabbed the wrapped gift and card and handed them to me. I asked if this was for Christmas and he told me that it was. I thanked him but asked if Daddy and I could wait until Christmas morning to open it. He agreed and put it back into his book bag.

As soon as we got home that afternoon he placed his gift to us under the tree (sadly it sat there alone until the 23rd!!). Almost every day from that point on the following scenario would happen at least once a day until finally on Christmas morning, Ivan was able to give us his gift to us.

Ivan: When it be Christmas day Jesus' birthday?

Mom or Dad: XX number of days, honey.

Ivan would scurry into the living room and grab his present for us and return to where ever we were in the house.

Ivan: You open this Christmas mornin' time Jesus' birthday!!

Well, when the day finally arrived, J and I saved Ivan's gift to us for the end. I am so glad that we did because nothing and I mean nothing could have topped it!! He had made a reindeer out of his hand and foot prints. His hands were the antlers and his foot made up the head. They had pasted some googly eyes on there as well. It was and is adorable. I really didn't want to take it down Monday, but I did and it will no doubt bring new tears to my eyes next year.

He is so precious. I have been blessed beyond measure with him in my life.

Ivan's Baptism

Today Ivan was Baptized at our church. J and I officially joined on November 4, but we did not want to have Ivan baptized the day we joined because we wanted it to be special, and it was. He was so good, nervous, but good. Pastor Ben used more water than he intended too and J and Ivan got soaked...poor things. Ivan was too anxious to stand up at the baptismal font, and he refused to let Ben hold him, so Dad held him during the entire ceremony. Ben told us later that he realized a little too late how much water he had in his hands...splash.



J and I come from very different denominations and we were not sure what we wanted to do about Ivan's Baptism. However, once we found St. Mark's and decided to join, we knew that we wanted to have him baptised there. As with all things that God ordains, the time was right.

Best Friends BEST NEWS!!

Woo Hoo! My best friend S told me today that she is pregnant. I am so thrilled for her and her husband, C, I can hardly contain myself. She took her first hpt on Monday and another Tuesday night. She won't have her first appointment until January 10th when she will be roughly 9 weeks along. That is a long wait. For now, I am just praying that all goes well and that come August I get to meet this little miracle. God is SO good!!

**Edited to add: Today S had her first doctors appointment and all is well. Her due date is August 16, 2008. Yippee!!!!

Out of the mouth of (my) babe...

Ivan's speech has improved a hundred fold over the past year. This mostly has to do with the wonderful speech therapists that he has worked with during that time as well as the fact that I talk his ear off.

I wanted to compile an ongoing list of some of his cute little sayings before they change or are lost to my memory. I know that I have already lost a great deal of them but here is a start in no particular order:

Da!
Who dat?
What doin'?
mater woop
pizza pie (pizza pie dip)
ketchup dip
Why?
Me like that.
Ha Ha (Ivan's name for Sherman)
Werman
Wermy
Caroline's Mom (this is what Ivan calls his aunt C)
The Best of Diesel (Mavis, Diesiel 10, Duck etc.)
Where puppy? (referring to his luvy blanket that looks like a little dog - he loves that blanket)
Tall poopy hurt my bottom (J's all time favorite)
Me have hard time (falling asleep)
That one of me favorites
I do it!
Where is?
Quiet, please.
I need privacy!
I have playdate with all those guys (meaning all of his cousins)
Let's go wooper fast!
Danul (refering to the neighbors cat - Daniel)
Praise God for what we need to...make people, our welcome food, our backyard, to love our neighbors as ourselves

Who could say no to a request like that?

Ivan is presently in his room for his daily quiet time. I was just coming up the stairs from throwing in some laundry in the washing machine; I was planning to come in here and write a post about something altogether different. However, as I passed by Ivan's doorway he came running over and said with a huge smile on his face "I need hug! I need hug!" Who could resist that? I gave him a great big hug and told him that I love him and he smiled and ran back to play some more and said "Me love you too Mommy!"

Life is bliss.

Thank you Lord for my precious gift.

My Oasis...

Ivan attends preschool on Tuesday and Thursday mornings. Some days when he is at preschool I have some much loved quiet time. My favorite thing to do during those precious moments is to sit at my kitchen table and look out the window into the backyard. There is a wonderful bird feeder there that was left by the previous owner. Watching the birds and just admiring God's creation has become one of the most treasured gifts of our new home. I love it here and I am so grateful that God led us to this particular home.

A morning in the park...

Today Ivan and I went to the park after his speech therapy session. It was a clear fall day with a hint of warmth in the air. Ivan walked around the brick edge holding my hand. Then he played with the stationary "digger" in the sand. Next he rode on all of the little bobbing animals, finally riding the seal with his feet thrown over the back so that his little legs formed a V and his body was pressed against the seat. There were many "LOOK Mommy!"(s) and I obliged every time exclaiming about how cool whatever he was doing was. Finally, Ivan made his way over to the swings (his favorite activity at the park). He climbed in and I started to push him. We swung in silence for a few minutes and then we started to sing our ABC's and count to 10. As I stood there singing with my beautiful boy, it hit me like a ton of bricks. It's moments like this that make being a stay at home mom one of the most wonderful blessings that God has graced me with.

Home at Last...

Today my Grandmother went home. My "Mama Ruth", as we affectionately called her, has finally gone to the place where she will be made whole again...heaven. Mama Ruth was diagnosed with Alzheimer's almost 15 years ago and it has been a long and sad decline for her especially over the past ten years.

Mama Ruth was a lifelong disciple of Jesus Christ and I have no doubts or concerns about who's feet she is now sitting at. She attended church every Sunday, gave to the church willingly and cheerfully, served on many committees and shared her faith openly by the way she lived her life. She was a great example of the type of disciple I want to be for my Lord.

I've never known a more gentle and loving soul and I doubt that I ever will again. She was the type of woman who apologized for saying "fiddle", knew every grandchild's favorite food and made certain that it was present at Christmas and Easter dinners. She always (and I mean always) put everyone before herself.

Edited to add: I miss her especially now as we approach the Holiday Season. One of her grandchildren described her as having the "gift of hospitality" and she did. Since her passing I have been trying very hard to embrace that gift, which is one I certainly lack. I worry about all of the wrong things when it comes to entertaining in my home. J and I are hosting Thanksgiving here this year and I hope that in doing so we can honor her life and gift.

Why won't he sleep?

I have been through this several times now with Ivan, so why is it still so upsetting?

Ivan is still napping for an hour to an hour and half every day. I put him in his bed and tell him that he does not have to go to sleep, but that he needs to have some quiet time. He goes to sleep almost every day. At bedtime however, he stays awake until J and I go to bed and sometimes long after. Like last night for instance...he was wide awake at midnight. I finally went in there and yelled at him that he needed to be quiet and go to sleep. Not the way I really want to end our day. Then this morning he did not want to get up and it took me 10 minutes or more to get him out of bed. He had preschool this morning so it was imperative that he get up and get going in a timely manner.

He napped again this afternoon and I am planning on putting him to bed early because he is a basket-case from being so tired. I am at my wits end about this and I just don't know what to do to get him to sleep.

I will admit that there is a part of me that thinks getting rid of nap time is the answer but then there is a part of me that needs for him to nap, so that I get a midday break. Perhaps the answer is to give him a real quiet time and not do it in his bed. I'm just not quite sure how to make that happen. This parenting thing is tough and I just hope that I am on the right track.

Another Milestone...

Today marks the first day of Ivan's academic career...may it be long and successful.

Ivan started Preschool today. J and I chose this particular school because of it's Christian focus and just the "feeling" that I had in my heart when we visited last February during sign-ups. It was between this school and another Christian Preschool here in the area. My sister sent my niece there for three years. Frankly, that is where I always thought that Ivan would go too. I liked what I saw when I visited both schools and I prayed very hard about what was the right school for Ivan before calling both schools and giving them the verdict. In the end I know that we made the right choice for Ivan.

This morning I took Ivan into his classroom and we located the special hook for his backpack. Then his teacher, Ms. Kris, came over and led him to a little table and got him interested in coloring his "self-portrait". I slipped out and only peeked through the glass pane in the door for a moment before heading out to my car alone. As soon as he was out my sight my eyes welled with tears and I had visions of me spending the next two plus hours in tears. Then I pulled it together and realized that this is one of those "this is what it is all about moments". You want your child to be comfortable and happy in a new setting and able to leave your side. Ultimately that is what parenting is all about, right? Raising these little souls to leave you and go out and flourish. So, I pulled it together and pulled out of the parking lot no longer sad that my little one has grown-up so much in such a short time, but thrilled that he is doing it so well.

I picked him up a few short hours later in the carpool line. As his assistant teacher, Ms. Kym buckled him in she said that Ivan had a fabulous day and that he was a real joy in class. What more could a nervous mom want to hear?

On the drive home Ivan and I discussed his day at preschool. The teachers provide a calendar of events for each day so that we parents will know what happened at school that day. We talked about the self portrait that he colored...apparently sans hair because he had no idea what color hair he had given himself. We discussed his snack (cheese cubes, pretzels and apple juice) and he told me about sliding down the slide and climbing up the ladder on the playground. He told me that they had music/chapel as well. All in all it sounded like a jam packed morning of fun and learning.

He is my precious gift from God and I am so grateful that he is mine.

Knots in my stomach...

We've been potty training intensely for three and half days now. Ivan is doing great. Mom, however, is all tied up in knots. I never thought that the "wanting your child to succeed"stress would occur so early-on. I thought that this type of ulcer-causing stress came later when you watched them start High School or College or Med. School or whatever, but not potty training!

In short I am a mess.



This morning we had our first outing with big boy pants on. Ivan desperately needed a haircut and Liz (my stylist that cuts his hair too) was on vacation all last week so she squeezed us in this morning at 10:45. I thought of little else all day yesterday, trying to plan for success. When Ivan woke-up this morning he had his usual glass of milk (strawberry and chocolate please) and a yogurt bar for breakfast. The plan was to keep all other liquids away from him until we were safely home again. Well, we went to brush our teeth at 10 and before I even realized it Ivan was downing his "rinse water". It didn't even register with me that he was drinking until he was almost finished. The already existing knot in my stomach began to grow. Then the doubt crept in..."Should I put him in a diaper, should I put the rubber training pants on him, should I cancel the appointment all together?" Then sanity knocked on the door and I chilled out a little bit. I decided that the only way that he was ever going to learn what to do was to do it...so we had a potty time before we left the house and again when we got to Liz's. He produced results on both occasions much to my relief. When the haircut was over his pants were dry and all was well with the world.

But wait there's more!





Ivan really dislikes getting his haircut. He loves Liz, but doesn't like anyone messing with his hair (except Mom). Since I know that I would butcher it, he must suffer and sit in Liz's chair. Since he dislikes it so much he can make it rather difficult to cut. To avoid this I promised him a special surprise this morning if he sat still for Miss Liz. I had to pull that one out several times while we were there, but in the end it worked and Ivan got a great haircut. As Liz was snipping along she asked me what the surprise was. I was panicked. I hadn't thought of anything yet, I was flying by the seat of my pants on this one and now I was busted! I blurted out that we were going to McDonald's for lunch and a little play land time. What? What did I just say? As though I wasn't already sweating our outing enough I had extended it! Had I lost my mind? In short, yes I had. Unfortunately, Ivan was all ears and immediately started saying "McDonald's Mommy?" meaning "Are we going to cheeseburger heaven, Mommy?" What was I to do? I couldn't let my little one down. I had said it and so it was to be. Despite the knot in my stomach which was beginning to feel like a boulder, we drove to the house of cheeseburgers and had two more successful potty times. Ivan ate his lunch and played on the indoor play equipment for awhile, until Mom could take no more of it.

We drove straight home and as we did so I could feel the knot unraveling inside my stomach. A huge smile of relief crossed my face as we entered the house. Ivan had done it. He had gone out in big boy pants and had kept them clean and dry the entire time.

One knot creating incident down, 3 million to go!

It Feels Like Home...

Before we moved to our new home my sister shared a warning with me. She advised me not to be surprised if the new house did not feel like home for a while. She admitted that it took her almost two years to really consider their new house their home. She said that with your fist house it is just that, your first house. It takes little to no time to consider it your own. However, the second house seems to take awhile to "break-in". I appreciated the advice and really started to prepare myself for that feeling of I live here, but it isn't home yet.

I am thrilled to say though that nothing could be further from the truth for me! This house has felt like home from the day we moved in...literally It is remarkable but both J and I feel this way about the house. There is work to be done but it just feels right. That is not to say that our old house did not feel like home, it did...but it was J and C's home, not the house we plan to raise Ivan (and maybe some day another one) in.

I am attributing this instant comfort to the fact that this was the house that God had set aside for us all along. Despite my insistence (at the time) that the other house we bid on first was the right house. J was never as comfortable with the other house, but I was CERTAIN that it was the one for us. In truth, I was seduced by all of the wrong things and God knew it and spared us from making that mistake. He hardened the hearts of the seller's to our offers because He knew where we were supposed to be...I just wouldn't listen.

Thank you Lord for sparing me from my own short-sightedness. Thank you Lord for putting us right where we need to be.

Talking on the phone...

Yet another sign pointing to how quickly Ivan is growing-up before my very eyes.

Ivan has long enjoyed listening to others talk to him on the phone. He would, on occasion, use his play phone to call someone, usually Nana. However, when he was on the phone he would rarely interact with the person on the other end of the phone. Over the past several months he has enjoyed calling his Daddy at work and saying on cue "Hey Daddy!" but that was about all he would say while J talked to him and engaged him in "conversation". All of that has dramatically changed recently.

Now, Ivan calls lots of people on his phone and yaks at them. When someone wants to talk to him on the real phone he answers their questions to the best of his ability and even closes with "Bye, Bye." at the end of the conversation. I experienced this first hand the other day and it was so wonderful. Our conversation went something like this:

Mom: Hi Ivan.

Ivan: Hey Mommy.

M: What are you doing at P W's?

I: Wholey Polly. (He was is search of more Roley Polly Bugs)

M: Are you having fun?

I: Uh-huh.

M: I love you, Ivan.

I: I love you, Mommy.

M: Bye, Bye Ivan. I'll see you soon.

I: Bye, Bye Mommy.

And with that he handed the phone back to my Dad. That was my first real phone "conversation" with Ivan. It's going by at lightening speed.

Driving around in my automobile...

I know that some people really dislike the carts at the grocery store with the little car in the front (there are no TV's in them where we shop - thank goodness) but I think that they are kind of cute. I have offered a ride in one to Ivan on a few different occasions and have always been met with a "No, please." He says please instead of thank you - we're working on that one but I feel that a misplaced please is better than none at all. Anyway, today we were at our local warehouse club when Ivan spotted a cart with a car on the front waiting in the cart coral. He dove into the little car and immediately buckled himself into the seat. He was thoroughly delighted throughout our shopping trip with his new seat and I was just as delighted to watch him "steer" the cart and honk the horn (sometimes both horns) from the back of the cart.

As I sit here writing this it is hitting me...he is growing-up so fast. The last time that I offered for him to sit in the car cart he said "No, please. Up, please". He wanted to be where he could see and interact with me. We do a lot of talking while we shop. I'm a talker what can I say? He is more secure now and really starting to embrace his Independence more and more. That's not to say that we didn't interact during our shopping trip, we did. However, it was limited and usually consisted of Ivan a) making sure I was still there and b) the two of us talking about his "driving" of the cart.

It's going by so fast and I love him so much.

WHY?

Guess who's favorite word is Why? This is not my favorite stage...to say the least. When will it end?

Insomniac...

I don't know what is going on in my house, but no one is sleeping...including Sherman. The fact that Ivan goes in "sleep phases" is nothing new, but this total wacko sleep cycle (if you can even call it a cycle) is baffling me completely. Here is what's been going on here lately:


First we moved to a our new house about three weeks ago. Ivan hasn't seemed to skip a beat since the move...everything has been normal until very recently.


We have been semi-intensely working on Potty Training the last two weeks. By semi-intensely I mean we talk about using the potty ALL the time, Ivan sits on the potty several times throughout the day, he has pee peed in the potty on some occasions and he has worn his "big boy pants" a few times with only one accident (and it was a huge mess - thankfully on the kitchen floor and no where else).


To add to all that Ivan has finally bitten a hole into his final bah bah (pacifier). When we moved he had four bahs left and when he would hand me one that had been bitten through I would inform him that when he bit through the last one, there would be no more. The other night he handed me the final bah (with a tiny hole bitten through the tip) and said "No!". Ivan has only been using his bah bahs at nap and night night for about a year and half now, but they are somewhat of a security item for him so we will see how the "loss" of them affects him and his sleep.

Funny, when I write all of this out it seems somewhat obvious why he hasn't been sleeping too well. The little guy's world is changing so fast.

*****Edited to add*****
J put Ivan to bed last night at 7:15 and we never heard a peep. J put me to bed at 9:45 and never heard a peep. It is currently 7:50 AM Tuesday morning and Ivan is still asleep...hopefully this will put him back on track and the rest of us as well. We shall see!

Homesick...

Last night as J and I gratefully fell into our bed I was totally overcome with emotion. I love our new house and the location can't be beat, but I was feeling homesick. I wasn't pinning away for our old house as much as I was tired of not knowing where anything is. Every time I go to look for something, I have to think about it. Is it in a box? Is it put away in it's new place? If so, where is that place? I was just tired of it all and so I fell asleep crying and missing the familiarity that comes from living in a place for 9 years.

He Even Says It In His Sleep...

A few months ago I wrote about Ivan's favorite new word. Last night I woke-up around midnight and heard Ivan mumbling through the monitor. Quickly his mumbling ceased and I heard a resolute "No, Mommy!" I laid there and chuckled to myself...he even tells me no in his dreams!

He's such a little character.

One week to go...

We are moving to our new house in just over a week. I have been trying to prepare Ivan for the move, but at the same time I don't want to stress him out over it either. We have brochures for our current home and our new home and we look at them often. I talk to him about his new room and his new "train room" aka play room.

More later...

A Nickel and Dime and a Ben Franklin or two!

I really don't want to poor mouth here and I know that as long as we continue to give to the Lord with a giving heart He will make it all work out. However, this move is getting expensive! It isn't any one thing but all of the little things that are adding up and fast.

OK, well there is one big thing...the cost of the movers. Woowee are they going to cost an arm and a leg! We have some extremely large pieces that we will need to move and there is no way that we can do that ourselves, so we have to hire movers for those pieces. Their hourly rate is hefty enough, but throw in the "travel charge" and the gratuity that will be expected and boy howdy does it all add up! Plus we were thinking that we would move out on one day and move in on the next, but that just won't be possible. One company quoted me an overnight fee of $500 and the other $625. That is almost as much as we are going to have to pay for their actual service time.

Then there are the "nominal" charges that the phone company, cable company and power company will charge us to reconnect to their service at our new location. Never mind that we have been customers for almost 10 years and that we are just transferring the service to a new address.

Ahhh! It is all so maddening. I am beginning to understand why all of my friends say that they will never move again.

We Got It!!!!

Well, we got the second house that we bid on, but only after a very restless and sleepless night.

I am nervous about the move and the new house...it is just the way I am. However, I believe that this is the right house for our little family and that God had set it aside months ago for us but as always, we weren't ready yet.

Thank you Lord for putting us in the neighborhood that we really wanted to be in and for making it all work as only YOU can. We thought that this house was out of our reach, but you showed us the way Lord. Thank you.

Starting Over...

Well, after several back and forths we had to walk away from the house that we bid on - they just would not come down. I'm sad, but we are making a bid on another tonight, so we will see if this is the one that God has set aside for our little family.

On the move...

Well, God has blessed us again! Our house has sold!! Yahoo!! The only catch is that they need us out by the 30th of May. Oh my that is fast approaching.

We made an offer on a house tonight. If it all works out I will post more later. If not, back to the drawing board.

The Self Imposed Time Out…

Yesterday morning after our Kindermusik class we came home and started to prepare for lunch. I had everything all made and ready to hit the table so I asked Ivan to start washing his hands. He ignored me, so I went on into the bathroom and started to let the water run for a minute to help get it warm enough for hand washing. I called to him again and heard a very defiant "No!" come from his room. I waited a minute and tried again. I headed to his room to inform him that he would be heading towards time out when I heard a noise coming from the kitchen. I heard Ivan’s chair scraping across the floor. Sure enough, there he sat in the time out spot.

After his time in the chair I asked him if he was ready to wash his hands and he said that he was and off we went.

Life Happens...

There is no truer statement at this time in my life than that one. Our life here has been happening at a frantic pace for the past four and a half months, but especially the past two weeks. Our house went on the market April 2 and we have had 18 showings in 16 days. That is a lot of out of the house time for Ivan Sherman and me. J too but he was out of town last week on business and he is at work during the day - so not as much as the three of us. We have spent far too many hours in the car lately and frankly I am already tired of the whole process. I am fairly certain that our "bubble of interest" has passed and that the number of showings will decrease moving forward, but who knows.

I will just be happy to get a decent offer and accept and move on to looking for our next house...which will be no small task.I am thankful for the blessing of lots of showings, but ready to have an offer as well. I am so impatient. I know in my heart that God has the right buyers picked out for our house and that He has the right house set aside somewhere for us as well. It's just hard waiting on His timing when the whole world works on it's own timetable.

The other night at dinner J made one heck of a good point in favor of God's timing and plans verses ours though; he pointed at Ivan and said that had things gone the way WE wanted them to we wouldn't have Ivan. So true. God was right on then and He will be right on again. I just have to wait and be patient.

I must remember the words to my favorite hymn: Trust and obey, for there's no other way to be happy in Jesus but to trust and obey.

I wonder what she is feeling today...

I am certain that there will never be a March 18th that passes without Ivan's birthmother thinking about her baby boy. She relinquished him at the maternity hospital in Ust-Kamenogorsk and never visited him while he was in the orphanage. I've always thought about her choice in a very positive way. I've always hoped that she relinquished her rights and never visited him so that he would be eligible for adoption that much sooner. She was young when she gave birth to Ivan and perhaps she had wisdom beyond her years. I've always wanted to believe that anyway. The truth is though, I don’t know. I don’t know if she relinquished her rights willingly or if a family member strongly encouraged her to do so.

There are so many things that I would like to know about who she is and how she came to make the decision about her baby boy. If I am wondering these things then I can only imagine how much more Ivan may want answers to these questions someday.

Anyway, I pray that she knows how loved he is and how grateful we are that she chose life.

Happy Third Birthday Ivan!

Lessons with PB&J

Last Thursday Ivan and I went shopping at our local warehouse club. As we cruised up and down the isles we talked about the different items that we were buying that day. I picked-up a large package of peanut butter and jelly to donate to our local food pantry. Ivan immediately said, Ivan? I told him no that we were buying this pb&j for those who could not afford their own. He looked at me and again said Ivan? So I told him that we were buying it to share with others and he seemed satisfied.

When we got home and I put the pb&j in the dinning room, a place that guaranteed that I would not forget it on Sunday morning, Ivan again asked if it was for him. I explained again that we had bought this for others. He started to cry and say that he wanted it. I took him into our pantry and showed him our identical jars of pb&j and said that these were for Ivan anytime he wanted them. That made everything better and off we went.

Sunday morning we walked into the Narthex at church and J took the pb&j over to the baskets were we put our donations to the food pantry. Ivan runs after him and says "Mommy!" and begins to sign the share sign.

How cool is that? He remembered from Thursday morning that we were going to "share" the pb&j with others. It reminded me that he is always listening and learning.

Homemaking Meme

I saw this over at Arwen's and loved it...so here it is!

Aprons (Y/N): No, never. Although I probably should…that or a bib!

Baking (Favorite thing to bake): This is tough. I LOVE to bake. I can’t narrow it down really. I love to bake the old standby chocolate chip cookies, brownies (from scratch is my favorite), lemon squares, cheesecake, cupcakes, you name it and if it is baking I like it!

Clothesline (Y/N): No, although I do use two drying wracks in the bathroom.

Donuts: Love them… hot and fresh is the only way to go though.

Every Day (One homemaking thing you do every day): Make the bed and unload the dishwasher…every single day.

Freezer (Do you have a separate deep freeze?): Yes, and it is slam full

Garbage Disposal (Y/N): Sadly, no. We have a septic tank so you are not supposed to have one.

Handbook (What is your favorite homemaking resource?): Hmmm. That is a good one. I like Martha Stewart.com, Real Simple Magazine and Southern Living a lot.

Ironing (Love it or hate it?): Hate it. In fact, I dislike it so much that I now (even on a budget) send Joe’s shirts to the cleaners. Fortunately I have found a bargain cleaners.

Junk drawer (Y/N) (Where?): Who doesn’t? In the kitchen of course!

Kitchen (Design and decorating): We have a great kitchen. Tons of cabinet space (which we will never be able to find in our next house I’m afraid) We put a border up on the two end walls (peaches, pears, plums and grapes with a yellow background) and we tiled the back-splash a few years ago using white tiles with some accent tiles with fruit on them. It looks much better than it sounds.

Love (What is your favorite part of homemaking?): When my house is all clean and straight…I love it. Unfortunately, once I get behind the eight ball so to speak, I am not very good at getting back in front of it for a while anyway.

Mop (Y/N): Yes, occasionally. I would not say that I am a frequent mopper…just when the floors really need it.

Nylons: I am with the others on this one…what are they asking me? If it is whether I wear them while cleaning that would be…uhhh no.

Oven (Do you use the window or open the door to check?): Much to my husbands chagrin, I open the door constantly.

Pizza (What do you put on yours?): If it is homemade then it is no sauce, pepperoni, sausage, mushrooms, and chopped kalamata olives…yummy!

Quiet (What do you do during the day when you get a quiet moment?): These are rare with a 35 month old little boy at home, however, when he naps (which is getting more and more rare) I enjoy reading, journalizing, and surfing the net in general.

Recipe card box (Y/N): Yes. This was one of the greatest gifts that my mother has EVER given me. The Christmas before I was engaged and later married she put all of her greatest recopies on typed index cards. My mom is a kick butt cook, so this was 30+ years of cooking genius in one box. Too cool for a soon to be married lady. I also enjoy recipes from magazines and foodnetwork. I am always open to trying new recipes…it is like a mini adventure!

Style of house: We have a ranch with a two-car garage in the basement. It is a cute house with a nice sized lot, unfortunately the lot is slope

d and not too great for a growing boy to play in…hence one of the reasons we are moving.Tablecloths and napkins? Tablecloth always and paper napkins most days. When we have a formal gathering at our house and I pull out the crystal, fine china and silver, I use cloth napkins.

Under the kitchen sink (Organized or toxic wasteland?): Is an organized toxic wasteland too much of an oxymoron?

Vacuum (How many times per week?): I used to be a once a week vacuumer, now I am once every other week or so…there is no time to get this done with Ivan around

Wash (How many loads of laundry do you do in a week: I am not sure that I can count that high anymore. Pre-Ivan I would do laundry on Saturday and Sunday’s…now it is at least a load a day.

X's (Do you keep a daily list of things to do and cross them off? When I do I am so much more accomplished, but usually I am not organized enough to get one made for the day/week.

Yard (Who does what?): J and I have a deal…he takes care of the outside, and I take care of the inside.

Zzz's: It depends on how Ivan is sleeping that night. Some nights are good and some are terrible.
This was fun. If anyone fills it out on their blog let me know so that I can go and read yours too!

That's Just God...

I have found myself saying that a lot lately. There are some things in life that just can’t be explained any other way. Here are some that I have been reflecting on lately:

1) J and I meeting. We went to two different colleges. His was in the mountains and mine was two hours away in Charlotte. The only reason that I was even there the weekend we met was because my two best friends attended the same college. Furthermore, J had been offered (he says tempted) a Teaching Fellows Scholarship (AKA a full ride) to attend a different university at the eleventh hour in 1991. J put himself through college, so this was a huge deal to turn down.

2) Our adoption of Ivan. Our paperwork was in a whole different country for crying out loud! However, God knew where He wanted us to be and more importantly where our son was. My Dad has always struggled with the fact that Ivan was 15 months old when we met him. He just can't get his head around why he hadn't been adopted yet (My Dad is a little biased perhaps, however, he was and is a really cute little boy). Whenever this comes up (and it is infrequent now that we have been home for 19 months) I just look at him and say "That's just God, Daddy."

3) Ivan himself. He's the greatest blessing that we have ever received and he is loved beyond words. God placed this child in our life for a reason. I think that I know some of the reasons, but I am certain that as we move forward together as a family God will reveal even more to me.

I know that there are many other things that have been TJG moments in my life. As I continue to reflect on them I hope to revisit this journal entry and add to it.

On the contrary mom...

So we have finally hit it, the no stage. Every, and I do mean EVERY, single yes/no question that is posed to Ivan is met with a resounding NO! When it is in fact something he wants and I begin to act on the no, he quickly changes his tune and we move forward accordingly.

I know that this is only a phase and no gives him a lot more power than yes ever could. However, there are times that I would just love to hear a resolute YES, just for a change of pace.

People will say we're in love...

And they wouldn't be far off either! Ever since we decided that we should move J and I have been cleaning out the house. We have been spending our weekends painting scuffed-up walls, throwing out years worth of stuff that we now realize we never needed in the first place etc. Well, this weekend I purchased something to help me with my cleaning efforts. I have never enjoyed dusting more and my house has never been so dust free!

It's the little things that make me happy.

WOW! That was timely...

I am going to save myself some typing here and just say that Amy could have been me in this post.With a few minor exceptions, that describes my life for the past few weeks. Now that I read Moxie's answer it is all starting to make a little more sense. Ivan's spoken vocabulary has increased quite a bit lately. Ever since Christmas he has been more and more willing to use his words as opposed to his signs and gestures to communicate. Honestly, I hadn’t really thought about how huge this is for him. There have been a few times when I have heard him practicing a new word in his bed (uh-oh for instance). It’s not every time that he is awake, but it does happen from time to time.

Unfortunately, last night was a REALLY rough night in our house. J put Ivan to bed at his normal time and I thought that Ivan would conk out immediately. He was exhausted and even told Daddy that he didn’t want to read a book (one of his favorite activities). He was ready to go night night. Well, after about twenty to thirty minutes of being quiet, he started to jump around in his crib. J went in and addressed it. Then another twenty to thirty minutes passed and he was at it again. J addressed it again and all was quiet for awhile. Then we heard him cough a couple of times and it sounded odd, so I went in. He asked for a change and that was that…for a little while. He was up jumping until well after 1 AM. I finally went in there and told him to knock it off and then just turned the monitor off so that I could sleep.

He is napping now. A really hard nap too...going on 2.5 hours. I am about to go wake him up. This is not the first time that this has happened and I am starting to get a little bit concerned.

The Healing Power of Prayer...

My parents are doing better with each passing day. Thank you to anyone who lifted them up in prayer over their loss. If anyone has ever had a dog that was a true member of the family, then you know what they have been going through. Thanks again for the prayers.

Yumm-o!

I love this stuff. I discovered it while I was on a girls weekend with my friend S in January. I just finished the jar : ( and am looking forward to our next trip to Charlotte to get some more. If I can wait that long!

A Prayer Request...

I keep this journal for myself. It helps me to work through my thoughts from time to time as well as keep a record of various and sundry things. If anyone else reads it and takes something positive away from it then bonus! This entry, however, is a request to anyone who happens to read it.

My parents lost their dear Welsh Pembroke Corgi, Tallie, this weekend. She had emergency surgery Thursday when it was discovered that she had a ruptured spleen and had massive internal bleeding. The Vet believes that her spleen ruptured due to a tumor that they located inside the spleen during surgery. The results of the biopsy were to come back on Monday when they would learn if the tumor was malignant or not.

Daddy brought Tallie home on Friday afternoon and was hopeful that the worst was behind her. The Vet did notice some spots on her liver and felt that if the biopsy came back with a malignant tumor then the cancer had likely already spread. However, Mom and Dad remained hopeful that the tumor would be nothing of concern and that all would be well moving forward. Unfortunately, that was not the case. After Tallie got home and settled back in she refused to eat or drink. Dad reluctantly left her side at about midnight and Mom found her lying peacefully in my old room about 3 AM. They think that she let go just a few minutes after Daddy finally went to bed.

We are all struggling with the sudden loss of my parent's third daughter. I ask you all to keep my parents in your prayers. My Dad and Tallie went everywhere together (especially since he retired) and the transition to life without Tallie will be a difficult one indeed.

If you happen to stumble across this months after its writing, then I ask you to still pray for them. There are many things that will be "firsts" without her by their side and they will need strength to get through each and every one of them. I know that our annual beach trip will be one of the hardest times for them as Tallie always accompanied us for the week. Next Christmas will also be a tough time as well. Anyway, you get the point.

To all who are kind enough to lift them up in prayer...you have my most heartfelt thanks.

Tallie, we'll miss you girl.

Edited to add: The tumor was indeed cancerous. The cancer diagnosis would have meant that she would have only had 6 to 8 weeks to live. The Vet believes that a blood clot is likely what took Tallie's life so suddenly. In the end I am relieved that God took the decision out of my parents hands. I only wish that the pain was not quite so sharp for them. Seeing my Dad cry is just gut wrenching.

Strange Day...

Today is a weird day. My parents lost their third daughter Tallie very unexpectedly early this morning and Ivan had his first poop and pee pee in the potty today.

The time has come...

Well after eight and a half years of living in our home, the time has come for us to move. I am on here constantly looking to see what is out there in our area and in our price range. It's going to be tough to leave our cute little bungalow, but the time has come at last for us to move up a little.

Thinking about it more and more...

We were so blessed to have lunch with Curtis, John and Leo over Christmas. Curtis and John traveled with us to Ust where they adopted their son, Leo. They were in town visiting Curtis' parents and John's brother and so we got together for lunch on the 27th. It was wonderful seeing all of them again. My how Leo (now 2.5) has changed since our last visit with them in October 2005! Our visit was too brief, of course. Curtis and I were chatting about number two when she revealed that they are indeed starting the process again! We discussed the whole thing at length and ever since that day I have been praying specifically for Leo's brother or sister who currently lives in Ust.

I have to be honest...the prayers for Leo's sibling-to-be have got my heart thinking about going back again.

Where's my annual review?

There has been a question plaguing me recently. Am I doing a good job at being a parent? When your child is only two and half it can be hard to tell how you are doing at this mission called parenting. I mean if he were twenty-five I might have a clue about how I did, but then again maybe not.

My parents have a saying "You do the best you can for your kids, but in the end you can neither take too much of the credit or the blame for who they turn out to be." I'm sure that when Ivan is all grown-up and out of the house I will also be able to subscribe to this philosophy...but not right now. Now I am responsible for teaching this little wonder what is right and what is wrong, what is nice and what is thoughtless, what is good and what is evil. There are so many lessons that J and I are responsible for teaching Ivan, I can't be so laid back about it!

When I was working outside of the home there were assessments of my job performance periodically. However in parenthood there are no such assessments given. We are given the task of raising these little people into thoughtful, productive adults and no one ever lets us know how we are doing. That seems crazy to me!

I am not looking for kudos or anything like that...just a little honest feedback about what I am doing right, what I need to improve upon, what I need to keep my eye on for the future.

Ivan is a happy kid. He is growing like crazy and he is smart as a whip. He notices everything - to the point where I wonder if we will ever be able to surprise him with anything! He sings, dances and laughs every day. He loves to make us laugh and he smiles all the time.

Hmmm...Reading that makes me feel like J and I are doing something right here. I know that as Ivan grows, the "markers" of success will change and I will just have to continue to look for them and to have faith that God will show them to me. I must have faith that God is leading me and my parenting and that Ivan will be Ivan, whoever that may turn out to be.

Tomorrow and Tomorrow and Tomorrow...

Tomorrow we have our first Kindermusik class. I signed Ivan and I up for the class back in August with an anticipated September start date. Unfortunately, due to construction delays our start date has been postponed several times.

Ivan and I participated in two Gymboree classes last year and really enjoyed them. However, Ivan really loves music, so we thought that we would give this new curriculum a try.

As always, I am a little apprehensive about meeting new people and starting the class. Ivan and I are both really shy until we get warmed up to a new group. Since I know that Ivan will be shy, I will have to come out of my shell quickly to ensure that we meet knew people and get all that we can out of our class time.

I know that we will enjoy our class. Once we get into it everything will be fine. Until then though...ugh.

What a man, what a man, what a mighty good man...

J is an awesome Daddy. Some of my favorite moments are spent watching J and Ivan interact. They love to play tickle games, jump out and get you games and so much more. They both light me up inside and I love them so much.

J is teaching Ivan how to be a good man. He sets a wonderful example of how to be in charge, while remaining lovable, soft and reachable. J is firm when necessary and tender when that is what is called for too.

He is also great at balancing his work and home life. Not an easy task in today's work, work, work world. However, J is home in time to kiss Ivan goodnight every night and we eat dinner together at least 6 days a week.

He is the man I want my son to grow up to be some day.

J, I love and respect you more than words can express.

The one thing I forgot to ask...

The day that we left the orphanage for the last time J and I said many, many thank you's to the wonderful caregivers that had loved and cared for Ivan while he waited for us to arrive. However, as I read the recap of another couple's last day at the orphanage I realize that there is one thing that I totally forgot to ask them...

"What do you want me to tell Ivan about you?"

In all of the days that we visited with them and told them how much we appreciated them and all that they had done for our son, we never thought to ask them how they would want to be remembered.

Memories Stored...

I have been following the blog of a couple that has recently adopted from Ivan's orphanage in Ust-Kamenogorsk. Sunday was finally their "Gotcha Day". They adopted through a different agency than we did and it is over a year later...a lot has changed in Kazakh adoptions as well in our region. They met their precious gift in July and had to leave her at the orphanage for 49 agonizing days while they waited for everything to go through the proper channels. As I read their account of that final morning at the orphanage I was flooded with memories and emotions not to mention tears. That was one of the biggest days of my life...I finally and forever crossed into the world of Motherhood.

It was such a bittersweet day for everyone involved. Seeing Ivan's caregiver's cry at the sight of him getting dressed in the outfit that we had brought for his last day in Ust caught me totally off guard. Their tears were genuine and total. Not one of them kept a dry eye that morning. They were so sad to see their little Tollie (their nickname for him)leaving and yet so obviously thrilled to see him find his Mama and Papa. Their love for him was so deep and heartfelt. Each one of them was an answer to prayers.

I'll never forget that day as long as I live. It was one of the most wonderful days of my life, full of more emotion than I can ever express. It is truly one of those times where "you had to be there" because words are not enough.

Ivan and I pray for God's angels every night and thank Him for placing them in Ivan's orphanage and more specifically in his room.

Helena, Olisa, and Svetta thank you from the bottom of my heart for loving my little boy like only a Mama can.

**Ivan is the little bundle on the left...the other bundle is his buddy Ben**

Ten Years Ago Today....

It was ten years ago today that J and I were married. Where has the time gone? It's been one wonderful, love filled ride and I can't wait to see what the next ten years bring our way.

Thank you Lord for giving me this man to build my life with...he is nothing short of perfect for me.

Sisterly Love...

One afternoon last week at the beach my sister and I spent some much needed time away from the kids et al. We sat on the beach and went swimming while the kids napped inside the house. That hour and a half was the most relaxing time of the whole trip for me. We sat on the beach chatting and exchanged thoughts on life as it is today. Then we took a nice, long, leisurely swim in the ocean. The only reason that we got out was we heard thunder rumbling in the distance. So we had to head back inside and return to "the real world" once again. I really loved the time that I got to spend with my sister at the beach last week.


This past Monday morning the unexplained rash that appeared on my thighs and the backs of my arms while we were at the beach became unbearable. I wanted to scratch myself raw I was itching so much. So I called the Dr's office to see when they could fit me in and then I called my sister. She was more than happy to look after Ivan for me while I went into the office. Once I returned to her house, her oldest child needed to go to the Dr to have her ankle looked at by her Dr. My sister's youngest was still napping upstairs so Ivan and I just made ourselves at home downstairs and had lunch while she took my niece to the Dr. It's days like these two that make me so happy that I have my sister in my life.

It also makes me want to give Ivan a sibling...

Home Again...

We are back safe and sound from our excursion at the beach. Everyone had a wonderful time, but it is always good to come home again.

More later...yawn. I need a nap.

Let Them Eat Sand!

We are off to the beach tomorrow. We will be gone for a week. It won't be relaxing with three kids (5, 2, and 1) but it should be interesting! Thankfully there are two adults for each child so no one should get lost.

TTFN!

Eatin' Good in the Neighborhood...

Ivan is a good eater, no doubt about it. He loves almost all fruit and most vegetables and just about anything else that we set in front of him. So, it came as no surprise last night when he made the more sign over his empty broccoli bowl. What did come as a surprise was when he did it two more times! After three helpings of broccoli I cut him off though. Oh, I hope that his good eating habits are lifetime habits.

Adjusting to a new life...

We returned from Kazakhstan on July 30, 2005 with our son Ivan. Upon our return I went through several stages of adjustment to instant parenthood to a toddler.

First there was the fraud phase. During the first couple of months whenever we left the house I felt like a fraud. If Ivan started to get upset I wasn't always sure what had set him off or what he needed for me to do in order to make things better. Most Mom's of a 16-18 month old know what upsets their child and how to help them. However, I didn't meet my child until he was 15 months old, so I was still learning so much about him at that time. In retrospect,I think that it all came more naturally than I was willing to give myself credit for.

The next phase on our first year journey was the I can't believe he's mine phase. This coincided greatly with the fraud phase. There were times that we would be out and about doing our thing and I would just catch myself looking at Ivan and thinking "What a lovely little boy" almost like I was someone who did not even know him.

Then I moved into the explanation phase where I would feel that I needed to explain why Ivan's eyes looked nothing like mine or J's.

Around Christmas time I really started to feel like Ivan was mine and I began to gain some confidence in my mothering skills.

As the New Year dawned I began to get into the swing of Motherhood and no longer felt compelled to explain about our family. If someone commented on Ivan's unique eyes I would just smile and say thank you. When we first arrived home I was so excited about our adoption journey that I would immediately tell the "complementor" that Ivan was adopted from Kazakhstan and we were so blessed to be united etc, etc.

Now after being home for a full year, I feel totally natural and at ease with my role as Ivan's mom. There are times when I have no clue about how to handle a situation, but now I know that it has nothing to do with being a new parent, it is all just a part of the journey of parenthood.

Messy house = Happy kid?

Before J and I became Ivan's parents I thought that I would keep a beautiful and clean home, stay on top of laundry and other household chores since I would be "at home". One year later I can safely say that nothing could be further from the truth. I can also say that (at least for today) that's OK. I'm sure that by the time Monday rolls around I will want to delete this entry entirely though.

The reality of having a toddler at home is that very little gets done as it did prior to their entrance and it really doesn't matter anyway. It is so much more important that I spend time with Ivan and that we dance and sing together. Not to say that my household chores shouldn't ever get done, but I am learning to accept that they (at least for the time being) aren't going to get done as often as I would like for them to...and that is OK.

One year ago today...

One glorious year ago today the judge in Ust-Kamenogorsk declared that Ivan would be ours forever. Of course we already knew that months before we even traveled to Kazakhstan because we could feel God leading us to this child, but it certainly was nice to have everything all wrapped up and tidy.

Thank you Lord for one of the most wonderful gifts you ever blessed us with...our son.

I'm off...

Tomorrow morning I am leaving for a little getaway with my best girlfriend S, and I can't wait! We have lots of plans for our one night getaway: manicure, pedicure, eating out without kids, drinking cosmopolitans, reading stupid gossip magazines, and of course laughing until it hurts. I am so excited I can hardly stand it!

This week Ivan and I have been at odds a bit more often than normal. I think that there are many factors at play here and one of those is that I need some time away from being a Mom. I know that now that we have Ivan I will never not be a Mom again, but a little time for just me is in order. My loving husband could not be more supportive of my little adventure; which is great of course because it means I can go guilt free! This will be J and Ivan's first full night alone together and I know that it will be a great experience for both of them.

So, I am hoping that when I return Sunday afternoon I will feel refreshed and ready to be a full-time Mom once again!

The Mama's and the Dada's...

A week or so before Mother’s Day Ivan started to say “mama”. He did not use it a lot, mostly only when J would push him to do it while looking right at me. However, that has all changed within the past week. All of a sudden Ivan is calling me mama all the time. If he wants to know where I am he says it loud enough for me to hear him from anywhere in the house so that I can identify where I am at that particular moment. He sees me enter or exit a room and he says it. He wants my attention at the dinner table, in the tub, anywhere…he says it. I love it! Not only has he started to say mama he has really started to say dada too! J loves it and just about melts every time that Ivan yells out dada.

Of course with this wonderful new trick comes a down side as well. J always takes Ivan to the nursery for church because Ivan gets way too upset when I take him and it just breaks my heart to see him get that upset. I can’t concentrate on the service when I am upset so J has been kind enough to take him every Sunday. This Sunday I was just getting ready to sit down in the pew when Ivan looked back and saw that I was not right behind him and J. He yelled out a gut-wrenching MAMA right as the doors closed. I could hear him saying “mama, mama, mama” all the way through the hall. Oh boy did that hurt. I knew that he would be fine. He loves the nursery once he gets there and the ladies dote on him like he’s their own. But boy, was that tough to hear.

We met Ivan one year ago today. These two words are music to my ears and to my heart as well. It’s been the greatest year of my life and I can’t wait to see what’s in store for the next twelve months.

Choices...

Ivan and I had a play date yesterday. We both had a great time and I know that I need to schedule more play dates because we both get a lot out of them. The problem is that most of my friends fit into two categories: no children or working Mom's. I am a full time stay at home Mom. It was never really a decision for J and me it was what we both wanted for our family. Even though I know that this is what is best for my family I understand that this arrangement is not right for every family. I feel very passionately about Mom's staying home with their children, but I understand that this will not work for everyone and I really keep my mouth shut in regards to other's choices. It is always a hot button issue no matter which side you are on and since it really is none of my business, I stay out of it. Why don't my working Mom friends pay me the same respect?

My friend and I were strolling the kids through the neighborhood talking about this that and the other. Eventually we got onto the topic of J and me moving closer to his office. He currently has a 45 mile (one-way) commute and I am traveling at least 30 minutes almost every time I get into the car to get to our shopping, play dates, Bible Study class, etc. So, needless to say we are feeling the desire to move a little closer to the rest of our lives.

With me staying home money is tight. We have a strict budget and we are trying to stick to it as best we can, but there is little wiggle room at this point. My friend does not have the same money concerns that J and I have, in part because she returned to work on a part-time basis when her son was nine months old. Her choice and now they have the money to do some extra things that J and I can't at the moment. Anyway, she was showing me some of the houses in her neighborhood that are for sale. When I said that they were out of our range at the moment she started talking about how I should get a part-time job so that we could afford more house etc. I tried to listen and remain polite, but I was a little frustrated at her insistence. To her credit she was talking about me perhaps looking after some kids in my home eliminating the need for Ivan to attend day-care. However, I feel that if I am caring for other children in my home then I will not be able to be there for Ivan 100% - which is what I feel I am supposed to do as his mother.

Yesterday was not the first time that one of my working Mom friend's has tried to persuade me about the benefits of me working (extra money, Ivan seeing other kids daily and gaining independence from me etc, etc). Their hearts are in the right place, but I wish that they would keep their opinions to themselves.

Staying home or working outside of the home once you have kids is a huge decision and one that almost every Mom and Dad wrestle with at one time or another. It is, in my opinion, one of the most personal decision a couple can make.

J and I have made our decision, and we are thrilled with our choice!

Narrator...

Lately I feel like the narrator of Ivan's life. Since he still isn't really talking, I often try to interpret what his various and sundry doe's and dah's mean. Normally, I am right on target with what he is trying to tell me. He does use Baby Sign a lot and that has really helped with the communication gap, but I often feel compelled to say what he is signing at me just to reinforce the spoken language as well. All of this narration leaves me feeling like the omniscient narrator of a book about the life a toddler. At least I find his little life rather entertaining!

Perfect...

I saw this on another blog last night and it is just so perfect I had to post it here.


I didn't give you the gift of life, But in my heart I know.
The love I feel is deep and real, As if it had been so.
For us to have each other Is like a dream come true!
No, I didn't give you The gift of life, Life gave me the gift of you.
--- Unknown

Ivan's Latest Gig...

Within the past two weeks or so Ivan has started to sing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star all by himself. It is the cutest thing to hear. He sings the tune with the "doe" sound.

He has always sung to himself, but this is the first tune that he has sung that we know! While we were in Kazakhstan staying in Almaty he would sing right before he drifted off to sleep. I can still hear it. Wah Waaaah Wah, Wah Waaaah Wah.

For me the little things like this are what make me want to cry. Ivan is pure joy.

Sick...

Ivan has been sick almost all week. We are heading to the Dr's office in about 20 minutes to see if he has strep or not. I just want to make it all better and I can't. In fact whenever I have to give him medicine it makes him feel worse (at least in the short term). It's been a tough week.

Sigh...

I don't know where this feeling is coming from lately, but I am feeling SO nostalgic about our trip to Kazakhstan last summer. I miss the intimacy that our little family shared during that time. It isn't that we aren't close here, but there were no outside distractions while we were there and I am really missing that right now. Sometimes life just gets in the way.

Sigh...

God's Mother's Day Gift...More Clarity

I know that Mother's Day is a secular holiday, but this year God was with me in my pew.

Mother's Day was awesome. As I sat in church that morning God blessed me with some real clarity and answers about why things happened the way that they did over the past several years. While we were going through all of our IF treatments and then the changes with our adoption and finally with the wait to travel, I would often say (in conversation and in prayer) I know that all of this will make sense when I get to Heaven. However, the Lord is so good to me. He has revealed a lot of those answers to me already, less than one year since Ivan joined our family!

Thank you Lord for your generosity and love.

Post Placement Visit #2

Today J and I met with our SW from our agency for our second Post Placement visit. M came out to our house around 4 and stayed until after 6. I'm fairly certain that she normally only takes about an hour and a half to do these visits, but we get along SO well that we all just keep talking and talking!

It was a really great visit and she really enjoyed watching Ivan warm up. He was still napping when she arrived, so when he awoke he was very shy and stuck close to Daddy on the other side of the room. In time M coaxed Ivan out of his shy mood and got him to perform some of his favorite tricks for her (pointing at all of his body parts is one trick, sharing his toys with new folks is another).

M did offer some resources if we are interested in getting some early intervention help for Ivan's speech. He still isn't saying much other than Dah. An occasional MaMa, but only when he REALLY wants my attention. The Dr. has recomended that we wait and see how he progresses over the summer, but M could sense that J and I are ready to get on this sooner rather than later. Ivan uses some Baby Signs to help ease everyone's frusterations - but sometimes there just isn't a sign for what he wants to tell us.

All in all it was a great visit. I mean who doesn't love to talk about their kid, plus she is truly interested!

The Sweetest Sound Ever...

When I woke up this morning I had no idea what an important day this would become for me. Here's what happened today...

I turned off my alarm one minute before it went off. Climbed out of bed, washed my face and stumbled down the hall to greet Sherman with a good morning belly rub, just like every other day. I slipped into the dining room and worked on today's Bible study lesson and then went into the living room for a few minutes of solitude with GMA before Ivan woke up. I expected that after a few minutes of silence I would hear the usual "DAHHHH!" coming from Ivan's room announcing that he was awake and ready to be seen. As I sat there starring at a muted Charlie Gibson I heard Ivan moving around in his crib and knew that the "DAHHHH!" was near. However, no "DAHHHH" ever came. Instead it was the word that I have been longing to hear ever since I can remember. All of a sudden the quiet of the house was broken with one loud "MAAAAMAAA!" I ran to his door with the most ridiculous grin on my face. I opened his door and said with a smile in my voice "You rang little man?"

My heart has been filled to the brim all day because of that moment. Somehow, it made everything so much more real for me. I AM Ivan's mama and he is MY son. I don't know what it is about that one word, but it just made me feel like a million bucks today.

Happy Mother's Day to ME! (a little early)